how is everyone feeling today?
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| Fri, 04-29-2005 - 12:23pm |
Max, depressed2005, lealavender, Id, and all you lurkers?
I really just want to hear how people are doing. I guess I want to talk because this is feeling so isolating. Trying to operate like a normal person... working, 4 kids, and a H - while being miserable... it isn't easy.
I actually feel much better today than I have in 4-5 days. I am still sad, but in a "I can deal with this sense" which is an improvement (although nothing has changed).
I'm planning my weekend but in a forced sense. I haven't talked to xMM about anything non work related for over a week except he knows I'm upset. I don't want to talk to him but am increasingly getting madder and madder that he knows I'm upset and isn't pursuing it.
It's really another "ah ha" moment since it mirrors what's been happening for so long that I just didn't see until I read this board. I thought I was just being too needy - I couldn't understand why I was always so depressed until I see the cycles that A's generate (and I think I had less emotional support from xMM than most which has compounded it perhaps).
I don't think my xMM is truly a friend to anyone including me... he was a geek and a longer in H.S. and college and never had many close friends. He doesn't know how to extend caring... this isn't an excuse for how he's treating me because the result is still the same for me and I don't want it anymore - just that I'm starting to see him as a real, very flawed person - probably good.
Which may bring some of you to say "what is she doing obsessing over him then?!??!" Good point. I always liked how smart he was and I felt like I understood him and we connected in an off beat way. In fact, I actually thought it should be easy to hold his attention since he and I would not have crossed paths in school. I do think that was the "ME" part for him... I think I'm feeding his ego... just wish I didn't get trapped in LIMBO LAND. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=13793.1> If that link doesn't work, search for "LIMBO LAND."
Wish I didn't still have a slight interest in telling him how he's not a good friend, darn it. Doesn't matter... even if circumstances were different I think he'd be a poor life partner.
Sorry rambling....
So, how is everyone else doing?
WIP

hi WIP,
yes u are obsessing of him, like me i am obssessing towars OW, i have not heard from her in 3 weeks, actually i am the one who wants contact with her, i have sent her email and called also but she did not reply
i know in time it will be better but im just not ready yet, yes its an addiction and a fantansy for me and maybe for most of us, some of us will take time to deal with it and let go, i wish i can be like most men that can just turn around like nothing happened but i guess i am not like that, i wish i was thou so i can just turn around and move on
i am sad and i can feel sorrow inside of me, i try go on with my life but i am having a hard time at it, at least i dont mope around anymore but i think of OW all the time
u are not alone, i wish i have kids to focus on or a wife , im alone so to speak, no relatives that i know, nothing so dont feel depress at all, make sure u eat a good meal so u wont get sick, your kids need u and your H needs u, that is a blessing already, me i feel like no one needs me or thinks of me, oh well, i just carry on with life as it is
take care,
max
But remember I've had several rounds of "getting over him" and this one just seems to be the final phase. Dr. Phil has a show today about infidelity. I watched a bit of it. Really reminded me of how smart it was to be done with MM..
Max,
I do feel selfish when I have the kids and H to focus on. I can imagine the alone feeling.
I will say it's not all easy though... I don't want to paint the picture of a fun-family-fest awaiting me. I cry often and of course I have to try to hide that. I feel listless and still have to keep rising to the occasion, when I just feel like crying in a ball on my bed. And let's not talk about how hard intimate relations are with H. I know they will get better but for now I'm so mixed up that it's hard (it's not that I don't love H).
I feel the pain you're going through... I can hear it in your words. I'm glad that you feel the moping stage is gone (one step closer to getting rid of this feeling).
Just know that we're here - post often. In fact, I check the board often and want more activity to keep my obsessive mind busy!
Pls pick something fun to do this weekend - if only to go through the motions.
WIP
Hi guys -
Having an "obsess-fest" myself. Just not a good week overall. Even though the A is over, I can't stop obsessing over what he's doing, who he's with, why he did/didn't call, just complete BS stuff that's clogging my brain from being productive in any way. I hate this. I just want it to be over!
My therapist that I have recently started to see is going to try hypnotherapy on me next week to help with the obsessing/addiction. Anyone else ever try this? I know it helps with smoking/drugs/fears etc. I know that I don't love xOM, at this point it has simply become a matter of loss of control in the A. I never had the last word and it's eating me up inside. I know closure comes from within, but I don't think am strong enough to do it alone.
Despr8
Well, since you asked. LOL I was doing better yesterday until last night when I talked to my daughter on the phone. She lives about 3 hrs away and she deals with severe depression. Until recently, the only times I had trouble with my nerves or any depression came from trying to deal with her depression. I always want so much to help her and it never seems to be enough. Because of the breakup with her boyfriend and all the stress she is under anyway, she is in a bad way. She will probably check herself into a hospital today and she talks about coming home for awhile and working from here until she decides what to do next. It is like going back over 5 years and trying this again. This is when XOM and I got to be so close. He helped me so much with her, he was great, making me understand that I just needed to be there for her when she needed me, not for me to try and fix everything. I could go on and on about what all he did for all of us, way beyond most friendships. No, I didn't call him, but I wanted to. I waited and talked to my husband. Anyway of course I told my daughter that she can always come home. I love her with all my heart, but we don't get along too well when we live in the same house. I have to think of her well being now, but it will mean more stress for me. I haven't been handling stress too well lately. All day I wanted to write a e-mail to XOM and I'm not sure why. Not to tell him about my problems, but because I am still very mad at him. I wanted to lash out at him and hurt him as much as he is hurting me. I need to help my family now and here I am still still obsessing about him. I think I want him to call and at least care what happens to me. This is the man who said he would love me for the rest of his life. Leaving me alone is probably the best thing he could do for me right? Ok, enough feeling sorry for myself. I need to help myself now. I am going to get out of the house tonight, maybe that will help. Bye for now and thanks for asking about me.
I watched Dr. Phil today too.
yes Max...I was going to say...because you and I are "alone in the world" we do have our burden that way...BUT what i try to do is remember that atleast we don't have kids and spouses at this time...as that would be a difficult burden as well. Can you imagine the whole other sets of problems that comes with? Read the posts here.
And folks that do...I am sorry to "use" you in that way. Please don't be hurt or offended. I am just trying to show Max...that people have their struggles...ours are isolating and scary being alone and without any love in our lives at all...but that there are complications on the other side o' that fence too...that I know ..I wouldnt want in a million years either.
One trade off for another I suppose. I try to use that for my head when it gets really sad.
Thank you all for sharing your time and stories. Ive learned so much...how I may be not as abnormal as I thought.
Now....to go and think about that runaway bride and her problems..lol helps...(ooh that is so much bad karma on my part...but hey...i gotta pull resources when i can)
lolol Lizzie
~WIP~
Sadness is all part of the healing process. Yes, it is difficult when you are around family and cannot show your emotions, but finding alone time is necessary in order to grieve. (In the shower...taking a walk...) You are ending something that has been part of your soul but try to understand that it has also darkened the doorway for the rest of your well-being. Our hearts have a way of twisting things so they become unrecognizable to the mind. We innately KNOW that an affair is wrong, and yet our heart masks the truth because "It just felt so good" .......temporarily....
Because although the timeline is different for everyone, eventually the mind picks up on false justifications and inconsistancies that the heart refuses to accept. When the mind and heart fall out of sinct, this is when the pain manifests...slowly at first...until a full blown mental migrane takes hold. We are then forced to make painful decisions which
Id,
Your post helped me so much on several levels (this board really is my T - in fact I was in T briefly in 1997... for yes, the same A since mine's been off and on for 9 yrs and this board has helped me so, so much more than that T ever did). Thank you so much for taking the time to write it out.
First, I had been looking at NC as the long term "way to resist temptation" and that it was in my best interest LONG term. However, you saying NC is "no new hurts" is a much more compelling way to view it and most importantly - reason to follow it. It is for short term mental health.
I have to admit I cried during the "false justifications and inconsistancies that the heart refuses to accept" part... because I understand what you are saying and realize I've been wasting valuable life by not allowing my mind to reconcile and recitify this more quickly (lol, 9 years... whew, that mind is slow). The fantasy I kept in place for so long is just in tatters now and blowing in the wind. And, yes, glad fate didn't take hold.
I also appreciate you suggesting it's okay to take time to grieve alone. I still have a long road ahead of me but I truly am feeling more in control of it. I didn't cry as much today and am starting to accept that this will never, ever go anywhere. I have to admit I'm not 100% there... and it's still painful when I think *never* but then my mind takes over and well, causes some more pain since I see the situation for how it really is now - certainly nothing romantic about it.
Thank you again so much for posting. It helped more than words could express.
WIP
Depressed2005,
It sounds like you're doing "okay" and hanging in there which is good.
I do think it's going to take a while for the hurting to stop esp when your daughter is having depression. I say this because it almost seems that xOM and you sort of did the parenting together through much of her down times. It seems like your H is sort of quiet through all these periods and let's you two take the lead. A very strong EA as well.
Please continue to post - it helps me so much to hear how others are doing. I have felt so badly about myself for doing this for so long and it helps to know others (that are nice, normal folks - not like on Dr. Phil lol) have gotten themselves into similar problems.
We'll want to hear how the June camping goes and what happens when you do run into him... and you better believe for my next work trip (which might not be until Dec) I will be on here 24/7 keeping myself strong.
WIP
WIP,
just hang in there, i have no words of wisdom to tell u, i myself am confused as time goes by i get more irrational about my feelings so i dont think of it anymore, the more u think of it the more it gets confusing
i come and post to this board , it makes me feel i am not alone
max
another gloomy weekend here in the bay area