How to Fall In Love With Your Spouse After An Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
How to Fall In Love With Your Spouse After An Affair
3
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 8:46pm

Now that my affair is over and with each passing day, becoming more and more of a distant memory, my new (?) challenge is, how can I have feelings of love for my spouse again.  It's pretty difficult, particularly since I'm unsure if I want to continue to spend the rest of my life with him.  But I am willing to try - and at least explore all avenues.

We have been in couples counseling for about a month and a half now.  We talk mostly about his insecurities (and associated anger), that are frankly my biggest challenges.  He requires a *lot* of attention and adoration, which means his personality takes up a *lot* of room and time in our life.  ANYWAY, these are things that I am examining, exploring and trying to deal with the help of our *excellent* therapist.

Right about now, I am going through the motions like everything is unchanged and doing my best to be myself and behave the way I always have.  It's left me feeling so hollow inside!

The Internet is a wealth of information and I came across this article (on "eHow.com") that I found somewhat helpful.  It's not solving my dilemma in a day, but I thought it was insightful, especially the part about needing to get your self-esteem back!

How to Fall In Love With Your Spouse After An Affair

By braniac

Skepticism has taken over the world we live in and many people find it hard to believe that two people can actually be happy or in love, especially after an extramarital affair.

Difficulty:
Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need
  • Self Esteem
  • Confidence
  • Enthusiasm
  • Open Heart & Mind
    • 1

      The most important key to falling back in love with your spouse after an affair is self-esteem. We have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. An affair can be detrimental to a persons self-esteem and gaining it back is very important. This is easier said than done, but it can and will come back.

    • 2

      Confidence is also important because you have to be confident about yourself and your new relationship. Believe it or not an affair changes everything and moving on past an affair is a new start for you and your spouse. Have confidence that you are what your spouse wants and needs. It's obvious that if he/she chose to work on the marriage that you are the only one that means anything and everything to him/her.

    • 3

      Enthusiasm is also vital to starting over and falling in love with your spouse again. You have to be excited about your new start and the road which lies ahead for the both of you. There will be obstacles, but look forward to sharing those obstacles with your husband or wife. It is good to be happy that you both are getting a second chance at love. Go on lots of dates!!!

    • 4

      The last thing you need in order to rekindle your love with your husband/wife is an open mind and heart. You can not be afraid to let your spouse back in. You have to die to yourself in order to love again. This is the hardest thing to do because the same person who hurt you dearly is the one you have to try and trust all over again. Keeping all these things in mind will eventually enhance your love again. It will take time, but I can not stress enough the importance of fighting for yourself and of course your husband/wife. Do whatever it takes to make things right for each other. Love each other as though it is the last time you will ever see each other again.

How to Fall In Love With Your Spouse After An Affair
By braniac

Skepticism has taken over the world we live in and many people find it hard to believe that two people can actually be happy or in love, especially after an extramarital affair.



Read more: How to Fall In Love With Your Spouse After An Affair | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4466833_fall-love-spouse-after-affair.html#ixzz2CitaxqeL
How to Fall In Love With Your Spouse After An Affair
By braniac

Skepticism has taken over the world we live in and many people find it hard to believe that two people can actually be happy or in love, especially after an extramarital affair.



Read more: How to Fall In Love With Your Spouse After An Affair | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4466833_fall-love-spouse-after-affair.html#ixzz2CitRvj81
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  After reading IMO your feelings are what is important.  if you are feeling hollow inside then perhaps a professional counseling from a neutral POV is advisable.  We can read all the reason why something is what others want us to do but if it is not us then what good is it?   Not only do we need to love and accept ourselves but to be true to ourselves.  Going thru the motions is not something that bodes well for the future.  perhaps the thought of whether you want this relationship or not would be more effective.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Good for you for trying to find ways to fall back in love with your souse. You wrote about your DH issues in the M but I also hope that you are addressing some of your issues in counseling. Addressing your coping skills when problems arise in a M might be a good start. Dealing with M problems in a healthy way (not having an A).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012

Hi, I too am having trouble 'falling back in love' with my husband after my affair. I do feel very much alone in this as although I know many this board do have some problems re-igniting their intimacy, but my problem is more than that, I don't know if I want to. It seems that others know they want to stay with their H but are having problems feeling the right feelings. For me I have been unable to rekindle any feelings of desire etc, although I can have some nice times with my H I don't feel those other feelings and I don't know if that's a sign we shouldn't be together. I am not sure if I want it to work or if I want to leave, I can't commit to our relationship because I feel ambivilent towards it. Very difficult. I have tried all that faking it, but I've stopped that now because I find it incredibly upsetting and it made things worse. Anyway just to say there are others going through similar feelings.