How to get over being in love with someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2013
How to get over being in love with someone
3
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 7:47pm

Its been a little over 2 months since the affair has ended. I work side by side with him. He went on vacation near the end of August. He came back after Labor Day weekend. I sensed things changed, but I wasn’t sure how. When he came back, he decided to end the affair right then and there. It was immediately cold turkey.  The kissing, the flirting, the hugging, the late night talking all the time  completely gone. It was like he left me on the side of the road to die. I didn’t understand. I tried to talk to him, but all he gave me was he was tired of seeing me sad and me getting back because he wasn’t able to be there. He was tired of the constant agony of wanting to be with me when he was with his wife. He was tired of putting me and his wife through pain. He couldn’t make up his mind of who he wanted to be with. But since then, things have gotten worse before they started looking better. I am able to work with him civilly, but there are times when I still want to lash out at him.  Yes, I see him everyday, but I miss him kissing me, him comforting me when I am having a bad day. We are able to talk, but I can’t seem to let go. We told each other that we were in love with each other and we kissed. We never had sex, but we had more of an emotional affair. He told me no matter what happens that he would always love me. I am not crying as much. The anger is gone. He said he buried his feelings for me to focus on his marriage to make it work. He loves his wife and he can’t see ever losing her. The only reason why he would ever get a divorce is that because the relationship isn’t working.

Then, the other day I come to find out that there are problems in the marriage. From someone that currently works with me, knows about our affair, and know him and his wife outside of work that the wife is a drama queen, gets upset up about everything. But, he is bullheaded and not willing to compromise in situations. The wife wants to go to marriage counseling, but the husband doesn’t.

I can’t seem to get over him, to burry my feelings for him. It is hard to see him everyday not being able to be how we were. But, how can someone who says they are in love with a person can just burry their feelings for someone. I know you can be in love with two people at the same time. I drive home everyday crying because I miss him. I have so many positive things going for me, but I would love to be able to share all these things with him. Am I too hard on myself for wanting to be over this guy that I am in love with in 2 months? I realize that things take time, but I have never taken this long to get over someone.

The affair started June 9th. It ended August 9th after I realized that he would never leave his wife for me and trying to make a marriage work while having an affair would prolong things and things would never go anywhere. The affair has been going on for almost 5 months coming up Nov 9th. I am still very much in love with him and want to be with him. Its been a difficult journey accepting that the affair is over. I have gone to therapy, had support from friends, wrote in my journal, etc. I got a part time job for the weekends, I run a support group, learning new activities. I am tired of feeling sad and wanting to be with someone that clearly doesn’t want to be with him. I am not sure if I should find someplace else to work. I love my job and I like what I do, but its difficult to see him everyday. I realize I don’t know what the future holds, but I wish we could just  be together or at least not have these feelings for someone that doesn’t seem to love me anymore.

any advice would be helpful

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 8:03am
My advice would be to picture him being intimate with his W. that would surely kill you fantasies about being with him. Realize that he has told you that he loves his W and doesn't want to lose her. I strongly suggest that you make sure you have stronger boundaries with married men especially at work. You say you love your job so focus on doing a great job at what you do. It doesn't matter what the outside person says about MM's marriage. The only two ppl that know what is really going on in their M is them. All marriages have highs and lows. Realize that although you love him he is M to someone else who he wants to remain M to. Don't be a party to helping a man cheat on his W. In the end you will left broken, confused and hurting even worse. Secure your boundaries and don't allow yourself to be a third wheel in a Mm marriage.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 9:38am

Morning Itdiva03

I am sorry you are in pain.  Yes, it is really difficult getting over someone you love if you work with them.  It is quite possible that you will need to find another job to get away from the situation to heal from this.  You won't be the first to have had to do so.

Workplace affairs are just awful because when they turn sour, and they will because affairs have an expiration date, one party is going to be hurt and now having to see that someone every day, five days a week is intolerable for most people.

I'd suggest setting yourself up with counseling to help support you through your loss and guide you through your planning of where you go from here...and to get to the bottom of whatever issues you have that had you believing that getting involved with a married man would be good for you.

Start updating that resume and keep your eyes on the classifieds if you can't move on in his presence.  With time and distance out, and him being out of sight, you will be able to move on.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 10:49am
First of all, I am so sorry. I too had a work affair. It was so on and off for a couple of years, and I worked about 6 ft. from him all day long! And when it was "off", it hurt so much to be that close. When he left, I let a huge sigh of relief. I understand how you feel, but unfortunately, you do need to move on. And yes, it does take time. But right now, as much as it hurts and angers you, you need to pick up your dignity and put on a brave face. Unless you are willing to change jobs, as Clarity suggested, you are stuck working with him. You are doing all the right things and keeping busy. Revel in that time and make it yours. And, you said it yourself, you don't want "these feelings for someone that doesn’t seem to love me anymore." Then replace those feelings with good feelings. Good luck!

 

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