how to get through Day 1?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
how to get through Day 1?
15
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 2:52am

This is very difficult for me ... AP has been so hot and cold with me ... reminds me of that song, "You're hot then your cold, your yes, then your no,you're in then you're out ..." anyway ... we've been trying to establish NC but both wanted a final goodbye ... this was so much more than a PA, for those who read my story we have HUGE history together ... I've known him since I was 11 ... and after the goodbye we are cutting ties. We agreed that it was ok to talk occasionally until such time as we are able to get together ... my logic (I know in an A one is always trying to justify) was that I didn't want to start to grieve him now just to see him in 2 weeks an have it start over again ... so occasional contact was ok ... I know it's not really, but my mind is a little delusional ... he has been at times very friendly and times very cold ... last night was a cold night ... texts something this morning and says if he's up tonight he'll text me (he works nights and tonight was his night off) I didn't expect to hear from him, and told myself if I didn't hear from him I would give it a week NC to see what he did ... baby steps ... well, he did text and we just text/chatted for over 2 hours ... mostly innocent ... our conversations always walk the line of the dark side at some point or another ... He kept going on an on about explaining WHY we need NC and how he needs to focus on his family ... like he was trying to convince me .... I have already agreed with him on this fact... at one point he asked why we were debating it ... I told him to reread the history and that I hadn't debated anything with him but in fact agreed with him about everything .... He gets upset because he likes chatting with me but then just lost 2 hours of his night that he should have been doing dishes ... or something that contributes to his family ... Now I know I need to take some blame ... but HE TEXTED ME FIRST. I did not start the conversation ... he's very good at putting things on me ... he even said at one point he's been trying for 3 months to convince me why he needs to end this ... UMMM ... I haven't been involved in this myself for the last 3 months. It takes 2 people to have an A if one wants out it can no longer exist ... We have both struggled with NC ... but I have agreed with him that NC is going to be best in the long run. I told him he keeps coming back on his own accord ... I definitely haven't been quick to push him away ... again for those who don't know my story ... My M is also falling apart and was when A started ... I actually just secured a room to live part time in so H and I can split time at the house with our 2 boys ... Basically 2010 has started off with a bang ...

I know I'm rambling, but its 245 am and I'm awake because I just spent 2 hours chatting with someone I shouldn't be chatting with ... ending the conversation with him telling me to text him tomorrow ... UGGHHHH ... I don't know how to have the strength to do this ... All my strength is being taken up by the mess that is my M I don't have it in me to hold to NC too if he doesn't ...

This is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I'm not even doing it yet.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 7:25am

mrm ...

without a doubt, this man is being emotionally and psychologically abusive to you. Please go back and read the responses to your original post about your story. This 'relationship' is going to destroy you, and it seems quickly. The way he is behaving is cruel, and unkind. He is targeting you, behaving very aggressively and you can't/won't see it. So, I ask you to consider my words, I know that I am a stranger, but I wouldn't hurt, lie and 'crazy-make' you as he is doing - you need to go NC IMMEDIATELY. LEAVE THE ABUSIVE PAST IN THE PAST AND GET YOURSELF INTO THERAPY. Crisis counseling or woman abuse counseling should be free in your area. Even call a women's shelter crisis line. They will tell you the same thing.

Huge hugs. You sound broken and in doubt of your own strength. You don't have to do this alone, but you can and need to do it now.

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 9:20am

I don't know what/how to think ... Sometimes I feel like he is just as confused as I am and although we both know NC is the best thing he struggles with it as much as I do ... as I said I have not pushed him away when he contacts me ... and I have definitely done my share of initiating texts ... we had said it was ok to talk still until we were able to get together again ...

He says he wants this to be done and for both of us to move on ... but neither one of us can bring ourselves to say that it's the last time we will talk to eachother. It's like that time is going to be some big planned event. He said he cares about me more than I will ever believe but it doesn't compare to his wife and children ... and I must say I agree with that, I don't want to compare to them ... I have never questioned that with him .... but yet still here we are ...

Sometimes I think he just likes to have this power over me ... that has ALWAYS been our dynamic, even when we were younger ... our relationship when we were younger was very damaging to me ... I guess not much has changed with that, huh? ... but as 'kids' he used to beg for sex until I would give in crying ... and I would continue to cry through the entire process ... I loved him so much that I kept coming back ... I finally realized that our relationship was so emotionally damaging to me that I transfered High Schools to get away from him ... That was the hardest time of my life ... over the years, the pain went away and we were even able to be at a point of fondness for eachother ...

9 years ago we ran into eachother and he was 'engaged' at the time to his current wife ... he cheated on her then with me as well ... that was just that one time, we never saw eachother again after that ... until 6 months ago ...

I feel like I keep rambling, but this situation has so many facets and connections ... and last night he basically had a debate with himself about why this had to end ... since I wasn't arguing about it. He said he built a life that didn't have room for me and that his feelings for me didn't matter ... again, I wasn't arguing or debating any of this with him ... he kept telling me I needed to understand ... I told him I did understand ... I wasn't trying to talk him ut of it ... SOmetimes I wonder who he's trying to convince ... 2 hours this went on ...

I know I am at fault here as much as he is ... I know for sanity's sake this has to stop, but I don't have the fortitude to do it on my own ... I need him to stop too but if he keeps leaving the door open I know I'll keep going through it ...

How did I get here????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 9:28am

Sometimes I think he just likes to have this power over me ... that has ALWAYS been our dynamic, even when we were younger ... our relationship when we were younger was very damaging to me ... I guess not much has changed with that, huh? ... but as 'kids' he used to beg for sex until I would give in crying ...

***

Add to the list, sexual abuse.

I feel at a loss right now. Whatever got you here, that very very important question, he does not have the answer to.

I am sorry but until you stop this, YOU, the impacts of his abusive actions will continue to erode your mental and emotional health.

Stop hurting yourself. And when you decide you are worth more than this, we'll be here.

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 9:43am

I know I am worth more than this ... for some reason with everyone but him ... I have it in my head/heart that I mean as much to him as he does to me ... he has in fact told me as much but that it doesn't matter because he is married ... He must tell me 10 times every time we talk that it doesn't matter how he feels ... the thing is I'm not questioning whether or not it matters, I know it doesn't ... like I said before sometimes it seems like he;s trying to convince himself, not me. So now I'm faced with tonight ... when he told me to text him ... and trying to find the strength not to and how to not respond if he texts me ... which he may/may not do tonight, but he will eventually ...

I Know NC is the best way to go, I just don't know how to start ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 9:46am

Hi, MRM-
Sounds like to me that your A is already over and you and AP are ready for and want NC. So, just pull the trigger. You will feel sooooo much more in control if YOU make the move. I know I did. If you speak with him today, end it. You can even agree with him, "it's best for all of us. Best of luck getting your family back in order. Wish you well. Now, g'bye and know that I will not contact you again and I don't want you to try to contact me. Ciao!" That should take about 3 minutes, then you're done. Walk and Block. Block all access of communication and delete all the secret accounts.

Be sure to read the Healing Library - all of it - and work the steps of NC. Believe me!!! NC is the ONLY way to go; no contact means no new hurts; it's the only way to start healing. Take back your life!

You can do it, MRM. There are soooo many women on this board who can attest to that because we're all weak and scared in the beginning but we've gone NC and you can too.

Lots of love and sisterly support for you today.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 10:15am
..


Edited 2/25/2010 10:43 am ET by jilly1983
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 10:36am

Mrm~


<>>


You start by not responding to his txts and stop sending them to him. 2 hours of texting last night does not sound like someone who wants out of this A. Are you reading the board? Are you following the posts on here? What I am seeing is a woman who is so stuck in the past that you can't see the present or the future. He's being extremely selfish by sending you mixed messages to "Come here...go away, I can't do this anymore, I have to concentrate on my family", blah, blah, blah...So let him. Cut him off. Block him from your cell phone and close down any email accounts you have between the two of you. Until you do, you are still in this A, my dear, and that's not what this board is about.


It's time to get real with what you are allowing to happen and if you don't get control of this toxic situation, you will continue to sink down lower and lower in the A quicksand. It's time to start taking some positive action to sever ties with this guy. It's time to make a DECISION that you are finished with this ping pong game. You can do this but I am wondering if you really want to. ???


Remember, this is an endings board so let's start taking some steps to END IT!


((Hugs))


   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 10:41am
....


Edited 4/28/2010 2:25 pm ET by jilly1983
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 10:54am

I know this is an endings board ... which is why I posted here ... because this is ending ... but that doesn't make it easier to do. WOuld I have continued this if he hadn't said he couldn't ... probably ... because I want to? Not really, I am fully aware of how toxic this is, but I would continue it to avoid the pain of ending it ... I'm hoping that makes sense to at least someone out there. I am torn, and confused and hurting ... I DO want this to be over, I wanted it to be over almost as soon as it started ... I even deleted him from my fb about a month after it started and sent him a message saying that the only actions I could control were my own and I needed to be able to live with my choices ... 2 weeks after that we were back on fb ... I feel that this person is more than just any other AP (but I'm sure we all feel that way and this feeling is not unique) we grew up together ... went our separate ways and life keeps throwing us back at each other every 10 years or so ... So come midnight tonight when we would usually talk/meet up I need to find a way to avoid that because, yes, my natural, instinctual, compulsion is going to be to contact him ... we have talked about going to LC until such time as we are able to say good bye in person ... for some reason we both want to look eachother in the eyes and say goodbye ... is that healthy? probably not ... No definitely not ... I'm a logical person, but I am unfortunately also incredibly emotionally driven ...

I am a complete mess ... I know that ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 11:03am

Ditto to everything iddy said!

You have the power to get this under control right now. Why are you even making excuses for him? You don't have to sell yourself short by saying things like "I'm not asking you to blah blah blah." This man is M and has made it abundantly clear that you don't matter, so why are you even questioning your strength to end the A. You are nothing more than a toy that he can manipulate. I wouldn't be surprised if he is abusing you so he can be a nicer guy at home. The longer you stay in contact with him the lower you are going to feel. There is no up side to this and the only solution is for you to end it now...period.

We can only point out the reality and the rest is up to you. I can guarantee one thing - the minute you decide to stop the madness you will feel a sense of relief. Yes there will be pain, but seriously, it will be better than what you are going through now. That is an absolute certainty. You will be on the road to recovery with an actual light at the end of the tunnel.

Take your power back and like iddy said, start taking steps to end this now. It is not up to anyone else but you.

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