how to get through Day 1?
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| Fri, 01-29-2010 - 2:52am |
This is very difficult for me ... AP has been so hot and cold with me ... reminds me of that song, "You're hot then your cold, your yes, then your no,you're in then you're out ..." anyway ... we've been trying to establish NC but both wanted a final goodbye ... this was so much more than a PA, for those who read my story we have HUGE history together ... I've known him since I was 11 ... and after the goodbye we are cutting ties. We agreed that it was ok to talk occasionally until such time as we are able to get together ... my logic (I know in an A one is always trying to justify) was that I didn't want to start to grieve him now just to see him in 2 weeks an have it start over again ... so occasional contact was ok ... I know it's not really, but my mind is a little delusional ... he has been at times very friendly and times very cold ... last night was a cold night ... texts something this morning and says if he's up tonight he'll text me (he works nights and tonight was his night off) I didn't expect to hear from him, and told myself if I didn't hear from him I would give it a week NC to see what he did ... baby steps ... well, he did text and we just text/chatted for over 2 hours ... mostly innocent ... our conversations always walk the line of the dark side at some point or another ... He kept going on an on about explaining WHY we need NC and how he needs to focus on his family ... like he was trying to convince me .... I have already agreed with him on this fact... at one point he asked why we were debating it ... I told him to reread the history and that I hadn't debated anything with him but in fact agreed with him about everything .... He gets upset because he likes chatting with me but then just lost 2 hours of his night that he should have been doing dishes ... or something that contributes to his family ... Now I know I need to take some blame ... but HE TEXTED ME FIRST. I did not start the conversation ... he's very good at putting things on me ... he even said at one point he's been trying for 3 months to convince me why he needs to end this ... UMMM ... I haven't been involved in this myself for the last 3 months. It takes 2 people to have an A if one wants out it can no longer exist ... We have both struggled with NC ... but I have agreed with him that NC is going to be best in the long run. I told him he keeps coming back on his own accord ... I definitely haven't been quick to push him away ... again for those who don't know my story ... My M is also falling apart and was when A started ... I actually just secured a room to live part time in so H and I can split time at the house with our 2 boys ... Basically 2010 has started off with a bang ...
I know I'm rambling, but its 245 am and I'm awake because I just spent 2 hours chatting with someone I shouldn't be chatting with ... ending the conversation with him telling me to text him tomorrow ... UGGHHHH ... I don't know how to have the strength to do this ... All my strength is being taken up by the mess that is my M I don't have it in me to hold to NC too if he doesn't ...
This is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I'm not even doing it yet.

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MRM~
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Compulsions are not natural and this is why you need to do whatever it takes NOT to talk/meet up, or whatever it is the two of you do come midnight...tonight or any other night. You put away your cell phone, stay off the computer, whatever it takes. Go to bed early, be out with friends..start a new routine but not one that includes MM.
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What good is that going to do? Is this why you are still holding on? For that final goodbye in person? You can say goodbye right now by doing the things I have already suggested. There is NO closure in affairs and a final meeting is going to be as painful as shooting yourself in the foot, which is what you'd be doing anyway. This is not some romantic love story where long time lovers are forced to part due to extenuating circumstances like war, or different religious backgrounds, etc. This is a sordid, secretive, back street affair that can destroy many innocent people.
I know I am being very tough on you here, but a good dose of reality is what I think you need. It's time to snap out of this destined to be together mind frame and see this for what it really is; a mistake that should have NEVER been rekindled. Now you will have to work hard all over again to get yourself back to a healthy place again.
Forget about tonight. Seriously. Be somewhere else, do something else; break this compulsive, addictive behavior by taking that first and most important step in ending this.
I can only hope that tomorrow you will be posting in that you made it through 24 hours of NC. This is how you start...the first 24 and then you take it one day at a time from there.
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
I can't look at this as some sordid back alley affair ... i will never survive it if I do. I am not trying to make excuses or justifications, but our history together, our fondness for one another makes it more than that. (I know, I know, affairs are sordid no matter what the relationship between the pair are)
I know it sounds crazy because knowing even a little of our backstory, i should hate this man for the way he treated me ... but all I ever wanted when I was younger was him ... and I let him have control over me to be with him even when it hurt me. I can logically tell myself these things. But my heart and my gut can't find the hate. I don't know if it's because after all these years he claims to love me and that was something I so desperately needed from him so long ago (I lost my virginity to him when I was 14) ... and a post someone (and I apologize because I forget which one) mentioned he has made it clear that I don't matter ... he actually keeps saying the opposite ... that I DO matter and that that is the point and the problem. I SHOULDN'T matter because he is married. It's his feelings for me that don't matter because our lives led us to different places and it doesn't matter if he 'loves me more than he loves himself' because he also loves his wife more than he loves himself and he is married to her. He has told me and told me these things over and over and I agree with him over and over ... He is right ... I know that ... yet we keep going in the same circle ... It's like he initiates contact just to tell me these things ... I told him last night for the 100th time that I get it, I understand and agree with him ... but he can't seem to make it final either ... I am trying to find the strength, but with a failing marriage I have very little strength in me to give ... and when he reaches out it is SO hard not to reach back. My life is full of pain and hurt right now ... it's hard to make a decision that I know is going to cause MORE pain and more hurt ... but I also know that continuing it will kill me and potentially hurt many others ...
Send strength my way please. I need it. I am weak and want to be strong.
you are spinning in a very destructive thought process cycle ...
we have told you how to make it stop: JUST STOP. Go NC and start to give yourself a chance to have a life.
He only reaches out to you with one hand to push you back with the other.
THERE IS NOTHING HERE THAT SPEAKS TO LOVE. This man does not know what love looks like.
The meaning of Love for both of you seems to be wrapped up in power and control. I want this to come across as support ... I actually think the impacts of your earlier trauma (from this person) have been re-triggered and you have slipped back into the place of being a 14 year-old and feeling out of control and powerless. But you are not. You don't have to hurt anymore. You are worth so much more than this.
We are all pulling for you, hoping that you can feel our care and concern for you ... even when you are having a hard time finding it for yourself.
j.
mrm
I am only 12 days NC so I am definitely still a 'newbie', but your words have really touched me. I can't offer any words of wisdom as I'm struggling day by day myself, dealing with depression (something I've never had to do before in my life) and simply 'surviving' each and every day. However, I know I have to deal with all this pain and hurt in order to 'get to the other side' so to speak. I only know from so much reading on this board that all this will be so worth it in the long run, and that's what's keeping me going minute by minute and hour by hour.
My husband is completely aware of all A details (it was over a year long) and we sent a short email together to my xAP re going complete NC. I needed that, for me, as for nearly a month after dday I was still 'holding on' to the thought that we could be 'friends' in some way down the track...who was I kidding?! I needed that short and brief email to confirm in my mind what was actually happening, although I know that alot of girls here don't agree with doing that.
I know that one of the biggest things I'm having to face and deal with is the thought of never being able to see or talk to xAP again in my life, forever. Just writing that hurts so much. It's such an incredibly scary thought, even though we know that maybe we weren't treated so well by these guys in the past! So that's something I'm working on - I'm wondering if that's something that scares the hell out of you too?? When it comes to the final crunch, it's the most confronting thing to have to face and deal with, at least initially. But as time goes on, we begin accepting and understanding why this is so important, even though it still causes pain. This year I am planning to get things done I didn't get done last year (while in the 'fog') and refocus on my family, friends and new activities.
I am thinking of you, and hope that you manage to start stringing some hours and days together of NC...that's all we can do. Minute by minute, hour by hour then day by day. And just keep telling yourself and believing that it's the absolute best thing to do to heal from the pain, even though it feels like the current pain is going to kill you. We are all going through it with you xx
Excellent post bestrong.
mrm, I apologize for sounding tough in my earlier post. I know that you are going through a very difficult time right now and I was trying to help you see that the power is yours if you want it. I hope that you decide to begin to take the necessary steps to end the A.
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