How to go on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
How to go on?
8
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 4:02pm

Hi everyone, I am in much need of advice. I have been reading on here for awhile now trying to take some of the suggestions given here. I am trying so hard to keep it together but I'm not doing very well. I posted my story on the My Affair board a few weeks ago, but since the affair is over, I have been lurking here. The affair was mostly an emotional one. My OM has been my best friend for so long, we have been through so much together, we have always talked about everything. My husband and I and the OM and his wife have been friends for over 20 years. I still can't believe I let this happen. We all spent a lot of time together but OM and I became pretty close about 5 years ago when I was having a crisis in my life and he has always been been a sucker for a woman in distress. Why is it so much easier to talk to another man than to your own husband? My husband never did know how to handle it when me or my daughter (who has severe depression at times) would get emotional. I just handled most of it by myself and just kept everything inside. When OM was having trouble in his marriage he always talked to me about it. I think we gave each other pretty good advice, he and his wife got back together and tried again and he helped me with my daughter. It should have stopped there. Looking back it is so easy to see how this happened, every time we had a problem, the other one was always there. For the last year he has been going through a divorce and because he seemed to need me, we became even closer. His wife doesn't talk to me anymore but my husband never seemed to have a problem with us being good friends. If he did suspect anything, he kept it to himself. OM has told me he will always love me no matter what happens, but we always knew it had to end. We tried to end it so many times because of the guilt and not wanting to hurt our families. We live in a very small town and have a lot of the same friends. We talked a lot about what would happen after the divorce when he would start dating again and how we would handle it. I even encouraged it because I thought he deserved to be happy and that I would try and be happy for him.

OMG, what was I thinking? Now he is dating another woman who is also going through a divorce. I have spent the past year trying to prepare myself for this and it was all for nothing. I am devasted. We had a long talk a couple of weeks ago, I thought it might help me. We agreed to try and remain friends. I agree that this affair needed to end for everyone envolved. I know that I need to get back to my life and either work on my marriage or get out. What is the matter with me? I can barely make it through the days and nights, I am not sleeping, I can hardly get any food down. I am so sick inside and it is so hard pretending that everything is alright. Why am I not happy for him? Why did I think I could handle this? Why do I feel like it is time to pay up for everything we have done and that I am the only one paying? I just lost my best friend.

I have read what everyone has posted about no contact, but this will be impossible. We are all in the same circle of friends and like I said very small town. My husband asked me to go motorcycle riding last Sunday with OM and his new girlfriend. I got out of it this time, they all went without me. There is no way I was going to put myself through that right now. We are supposed to camp with OM and go 4-wheeling together this summer on OM's property like we have done for the past couple of summers. What am I going to do? I have to get it together. I want to get on with my life but the pain won't let me do it. I know from reading on here that this is going to take time, but what do I do now? They say if you love someone enough you should let them go? Does this mean that I don't love him and that I am just a selfish person because I hate them being together?

Thank you to anyone who was able to stay with and read this very long post. I'm sorry I just got started and didn't know how to quit. I can't think straight right now, so I am asking for help. I have a family that needs me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 4:26pm

DP

>>"I just got started and didn't know how to quit. I can't think straight right now, so I am asking for help. I have a family that needs me."<<

Keep posting you need to vent your pent up emotions as part of your healing, you have to accept the fact that your going to grieve no two ways about it EVERYONE DOES in there own way sooner or latter.

If NO CONTACT is not possible consider LIMITED contact with ZERO alone time with XMM including private phone or e-mail/IM conversations, the idea is to begin to detach emotionally a bit at a time, you created the connection over time and it can be eroded over time if you are dettermined to do what it takes.

Consider tell your husband that you need more ALONE TIME WITH HIM doing fun and meaningful stuff with out any other couples involved, start working on rebuilding your connection with him, it will take time and commitment.

Address the marriage issues with MC and individual counceling, this all takes time but we have seen it work many times at this board.

GOOD LUCK

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 10:22pm

Free, thank you for your reply. You make a lot of good points. If I need to grieve, it will have to be here. The only person that I talk to about my deepest feelings has been OM and now he doesn't need me anymore. He has someone else he can talk to. He gets to move on with his life, onto something new. I have read on here that you need to start taking care of yourself first and not concentrate on what the OM and his partner are doing. Can someone please tell me how to do that? How do you stop all the thoughts and years of memories from filling your every waking moment? The harder I try to stop thinking about him, the worse it gets. I am trying so hard, every thing I do to stay busy..... work, take a walk, help a friend, vist my mother, go play with my grandaughters, everything is forced, I am making myself do these things, it shoudn't be that way. My husband is a good man, I love him like the rest of my family. I think he knows something isn't quite right and he is trying, he doesn't want to lose me. He had an affair over 20 years ago and we went through a very rough time but managed to stay together. I never thought in a million years that I would do this, but emotions are very strong. I built such a wall after that affair, I was determined no one would ever do that to me again. I can't believe that I let myself get this hurt again. How do I blame OM for hurting me so badly when I let him do it? I want to be in love with my husband and make this marriage work, I can't do that when I am constantly thinking about the OM and why he did this to me? I want answers and I know he can't give them to me. I don't think he ever meant to hurt me, but just the same I am hurting.

We had a visitor tonight, a friend who just wanted to talk about OM and his new woman and what we thought about it? I go through this almost every day, someone asking me about OM and what's going on? They know we are good friends. I have to talk about this and it is killing me inside. I want to go back to when we were just friends, we had such a good time together. I truly believe that if OM and I were together, we wouldn't make it, too many problems, but that doesn't stop me from wanting him. Why then can't I let this go????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 10:58pm

hey depress,

maybe u and hubby can take a vacation, or u can take a vacation yourself, go to Italy and walk around, go to NY, walk around Manhattan

its gonna take a while to cut off the addiction, u are hooked on the routine with MM or OM in this case, he is dating now so he has replaced u already, do u still want to be with him while he is with a single woman, he is single now so i guess he wants to spend some time with someone who is free all the time, if he realy loves u, he will not bother u anymore, if he still wants to have sex with u then he is just feeding his ego

im sorry , this is my opinion, welcome to the board

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 11:22pm

DP

One thing you need to understand and accept is that everything your feeling is perfectly normal for this sort of situation, accepting that truth and the truth that your really only just begun this process may help you surrender to it and just go with the flow, there is a natural order to healing and you have to go through it one step at a time there is no way to short circuit it.

For the time being your going to have to fake it tell you make it, but believe me in time you will make it.

You can exoect to go through period were you feel love/hate and anger toward XOM, again this is normal acccept it, use anger to hel you get through the rough periods but don't let it become part of you, when it is time to let it go then let it go...you will know when, just like all the people that came before you.

HAVE FAITH YOU WILL MAKE IT, you will recover you and your real life, there after you may want to seek a IC or MC to deal with the pain and anger you have repreased (sp) over your husbands past mistakes, that wall needs to come down if your going to enjoy the best that a marriage relationship has to offer.

One day at a time and when one day seems to long take it one hour at a time.

Continue to vent and share here we will never get tired of listening and will never turn you away.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 3:01am

Thank you Max for your honesty. I just got back a few days ago from a trip to San Francisco with my daughter and my sister that had already been arranged. I was in such bad shape when I left, I didn't want to go and pretend I was having a good time. I made it through ok but I just wanted to go home. I have been home for four days and I am in worse shape than when I left. I still can't believe I am losing control like this. I need to get some sleep, I am so tired. I am thinking about going to the doctor (which I never do) to get something to help me. I don't know if I need something for depression or something for my nerves. I am depressed, very anxious, very nervous and I need some sleep.

You are right, I am hooked emotionly on OM. What I don't understand is why you say if he loves me he won't bother me anymore. He is not bothering me and no he doesn't try and have sex with me. Why is that love? I was there for him and talked to him when he was down and hurting, he told me one time to please not stop talking to him, he didn't know what he would do without me to talk to. He could not imagine his life without me somewhere in it. We have had sex but not very many times, this was more emotional than anything. We were very good friends and we needed each other. He wants to still be friends. All I can think of is that when I needed him the most, he bailed out on me. I get to hurt like this and I get to deal with everything by myself. I know he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me, but that doesn't help very much right now. He has every right to move on and try to be happy, but I don't know how to get through this without him. I am trying to keep my dignity and not call him. I know talking to him will only be a temporary fix anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 8:43am

DP

I think what Max is trying to tell you is that every contact can often pull you back to square one leaving you to start healing all over again, XOM would be showing more mercy for you by backing off and letting you go through this one time only.

In my opinion you need to break the cycle of running to him for support and learn to lean on your HUSBAND for that support, it is not healthy for your marriage for you to be running to another man for support....it could lead to a affair !!!!

He has to be gone for you and your marriage to really make a full recovery.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 3:15pm

Thank you again for your reply. I'm not having a very good day, I am so sick to my stomach and I didn't sleep too much again last night. I am making myself eat to keep from getting any sicker. I am doing the best that I can, taking one day at a time. Today will make the 13th day since I have talked to OM. Ok, so I was off on a trip 8 of those days. I saw that he called on Tuesday morning when I was getting ready for work, I didn't hear the phone at the time. He never called after that. I didn't call him back. I figured he just wanted to thank me for the present I brought him back from SF and ask about my trip. I know, dumb move. We always brought each other back something from our trips, so I sent it to him with my husband. I really wish I hadn't done that. But at least I haven't called him again. I know that I want it to be over, I don't want to go through this again. If I know in my head that this is for the best, why can't my mind and body go along? I know that would be too simple, no quick fixes right? OK, I'm grieving!!!!!!

I hope that I can be happy for him someday and want only the best for him, but right now I have to think about me. You are right, I love him, I hate him, I miss him and I am mad at him for doing this to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 4:08pm

try to eat something, u will get sick and its not gonna be good, maybe a visit to the doctor will help u, maybe some anti-depression meds can help and some sleeping pills might help u sleep also

it will get better in time, its been said and i am sure that it will get better in time, it been proven by others on this board already

its all up to u to keep yourself busy now, i know it is hard but u have to be strong, u are already haflway there , u mind already knows what to do , just make your heart understand

pls take care of yourself and dont get sick, i know how depression works and its not good, i been there and u dont want to be on those meds at all if possible

max