How to go when they won't let you go??? (new here)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2012
How to go when they won't let you go??? (new here)
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 8:43am

Hi everyone.

Like so many others, I have myself in a situation that I never intended on bing in, and desperately want out of it.

I am a mw who met a mm online a year ago. My h was so emotionally detached and unavailable, that I (stupidly) reached out online to a total stranger to "fill my needs". Knowing all along that I never had  any intention of leaving my marriage. I was just looking for a little validation and needed to know there was someone who needed me.

I met this man, and he was charming and handsome. He lives in the same community as me, so meeting was never a problem. We met at the most, once a week for usually just a lunch, or a casual walk. A friendship soon developed, and I was entirely comfortable with just having that with him. He soon wanted more, and I don"t need to tell you where the natural progression of that lead to.

During this whole time, I wasn't comfortable with the physical aspect of being with him. He's extremely patient and accomodating, and never pushed for more than I was willing. Really, a gentleman. About six months ago, I realized that I was just tired of the sneaking around and worried about getting caught or recognized. I also came to the realization that I didn't want more from him than a friendship. Although there is some chemisrty, I just don't feel romantic feelings towards him. And here's the crazy part. I tried to end it twice with him. He would call me and ask for just another meeting to talk it out, which always ended in the continuation of the A. I have tried everything to let him go. As of last week i even told him I was moving to another state and we had to end. His response was that he'll travel however far to see me. His words, verbatum: "I will never let you go." He claims his wife is a horrible, violent monster, and he is working on moving out of his home. He says he'd like to get a house with me, and for us to be together. At one time I would of been tempted, but he has never once told me he loves me.

I know it's within my power to stop this. I have tried. How do you end when someone won"t accept an ending?? My marriage is in shambles bc of this. I have been emotionally even more distant than my h, who incidentally, has noticed my change and I've noticed that he's trying harder now. Now the problem is that I've been comparing him to how the other guy treated me...

So to summarize my long-winded story....Is it WRONG of me to just "GO" from this other guy? As in, no explanation, just don't answer calls, whatever? He gets really irratated if I don't respond to a text or call (even though that was STANDARD treatment I got from him!) He can act like a spoiled child and I'm afraid if I ignore him he'll come over to my home! I just want out of this. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible person. Even though my m is FAR from where it should be, I jsut want an honest life again.

Thank you so much for listening



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012

It's okay to walk away without a word. It really is. You have already told him...and yes it is really hard to do. When I told my xAP I wanted to take back an honest life I ran into quite a bit of resistance. My sister..who knows all..said let me get this straight. When he wants in..your in...when he wants out..your out (this was round 2 of the A ..first time..he ended) now you want out..but you are letting his response control your decision, your resolve? Yikes..that was hard to hear..but dead on. I changed my number and walked away.

If you decide to do this, we are all here to help you through this journey.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Welcome to EAS, Timetochange

Beachgirl is absolutely correct.  You should not do anything you don't want to do. 

It seems that Mr. Handsome and Charming has turned into a bratty, kinda-scary, baby toad.  Unfortunately, you have taught him with your past behavior that you will go against your word with enough perseverance.  So now, you must teach him that he will just have to grow up and take 'no' for an answer.  And I would not believe those words of his about his wife, btw.

I don't like the sound of this toad.  He sounds unstable...or perhaps he's just use to getting his way...or he thinks a line out of a dime-store romance novel 'I'll never let you go" is flattering.  I don't know.  Time for you to say "I'm going to concentrate on my marriage...please do not contact me...good bye" with conviction...then BLOCK all avenues of contact and WALK.  

I hope over time that you will see that your husband in no way compares to this toad.

Keep posting in for support.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2012

Here is one opinion....It is wrong for you to continue to do something you don't want to do.  Your first priority is you and then your family.  I had a similar experience where my recently exAP would say he didn't want things to end and didn't want me out of his life every time I tried to end things.  This time I just walked away with no conversation and for me it has been easier this way.  Today is day 7 NC.  The only concern I have from your post is does he seem violent in any way.  I am not sure the tone of voice or context in which he states he will never let you go.  Do you really think he would come to your home.

Don't let him bully you and it sounds like a few of his tactics don't reflect the gentleman you describe him as.  Get out......

Good luck virtual friend!!