How I Set Myself Up. . . Every time

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
How I Set Myself Up. . . Every time
5
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:12pm
So, i had all these days of NC--something like 12 days or so--and i was starting to feel pretty good about things--and then suddenly i answer the phone the ohter day and it is XMM--talked for an hour, a nice conversation--and now, guess what I have to start all over again.

I manage to get sucked in everytime, enough so, that i can throw away 12 days of NC and start fantasizing again. This time, set myself up for saddness and disappointment, by fantasizing that he would come home from Miami, call or email me that he did nothing but think of me while he was there--that he loved me. . . . yada yada yada.

After a brief email exchange yesterday about business, i don't hear back from him at all, even though, i broke my promise to this board and asked him in an email: "How was Miami."

No word since, though in my sick and distorted way of thinking i think that all those calls with no messages on my office line are him (funny, when he is out of town, i never have hang-ups).

When will i stop doing this? Why can't i stop doing this? When will i not look for emails or phone calls. When won't i care anymore?

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:27pm
Well, if it makes you feel better, I am pretty sure that if my xMM were still calling me at all I would drop the whole NC thing in the wink of an eye... You've been doing great. Don't be hard on yourself, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and jump back into NC!

It would be a lot easier on you if you could somehow get out of the situation where you have to talk business with him at all... And if you could get him on board with the whole

idea of NC...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:24pm
you are right, katie about NC. We've only made it 3 weeks with no contact at all and that was last summer. Then lo and behold, i get an email from him. . . and it starts up all over again. I knew at the time i should not continue to help him with this non profit work, but i did anyway, because i did not want to let other people down that i was assisting. I have 3 more months on this current project and then maybe we can have a clean break again. He is already talking to me about "things we are going to do next year" on this same project (it is seasonal)--as I guess he expects i will continue to work with him on this.. But i have already decided i won't and honestly, he is going to be absolutely lost when i don't as i do a lot.

What annoys me today, is i have legitimate business questions i need answering from him, and you know, he hasn't taken the 20 seconds to respond to my question by email. That's when i start feeling like an idiot and like an after thought. So, if i don't hear from him today, i will just take matters in my own hands and answer the question myself and move ahead with the project.

Yesterday, there was a discussion about how EMA affect our self esteem. I have thought alot about that since that post. This is what affects my self-esteem: when i look for emails and don't have them; when i want phone calls and don't get them; when i don't get acknowledged by him that what happened between us was real and dangerous and lovely and scary. He never talks about it all--it's almsot like it never happened.

So you see, when i long and look for contact for him, a piece of my self esteem gets chipped away. and Then i have to spend all this time picking up those pieces and gluing myself back together again. (Or, how sad is this: when i do finally hear from him, suddnely i feel whole again and those pieces realign and i am ok. How sad it that?}

How much power can you give up to one person. I will not let him take away my power and self esteem.

UGH! I am mad today, because i see i set myself back up in fantasy again.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:38pm


Clarice.... are you the single one in this relationship?

Sounds to me like now would be a perfect time for another "prince charming" to come stumbling along and sweep you off your feet.


elf


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:05pm
I hear ya sista!I suck at NC.MM and I have actually tried to go our separate ways at least 3 times now and each time NC gets harder and lasts for less time.The first time we actually lasted about 10 months, the second time about 3 weeks, and this very last time um..about 2 days :( I buy into it hook, line and sinker.Sometimes I feel like he is the air I breathe everyday.Not a very healthy way of feeling, but he is my best friend, and I feel like I cant function without at least hearing his voice everyday *sigh*

Hang in there!Im proud of you that you lasted that long.I read everyones stories here and wonder how you all do it.(((HUGS)))

Emma

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:58pm
oh, i wish, elf. that is my history--my pattern. i have always gotten over one relationship by starting another. can't do that this time! I am married and my H is no prince charming--though i try, each and every day to fall in love with him (after 17 years of living togehter). If anyone does happen to see "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"--that realtionship is alot like mine and H's. (tho, i am not that wild, don't change the color of my hair daily and don't drink like she does). But i, like Clementine in the film, am always trying to create memories, bond, push my H into feeling something, anything!

I would love for another man to come along and sweep me off my feet--but you know, i am not going to ever get involved with a MM again. Tooooo painful! In all these years of my unhappy marriage, i have had mini crushes on other men, but never, ever have i fallen in love (or really even looked at anyone else until this stupid XMM came along.

So, you see, that is why it is hard for me! I have to dig myself out of the hurt of the XMM relationship all by myself!