How I Set Myself Up. . . Every time
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| Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:12pm |
I manage to get sucked in everytime, enough so, that i can throw away 12 days of NC and start fantasizing again. This time, set myself up for saddness and disappointment, by fantasizing that he would come home from Miami, call or email me that he did nothing but think of me while he was there--that he loved me. . . . yada yada yada.
After a brief email exchange yesterday about business, i don't hear back from him at all, even though, i broke my promise to this board and asked him in an email: "How was Miami."
No word since, though in my sick and distorted way of thinking i think that all those calls with no messages on my office line are him (funny, when he is out of town, i never have hang-ups).
When will i stop doing this? Why can't i stop doing this? When will i not look for emails or phone calls. When won't i care anymore?
Clarice

It would be a lot easier on you if you could somehow get out of the situation where you have to talk business with him at all... And if you could get him on board with the whole
idea of NC...
What annoys me today, is i have legitimate business questions i need answering from him, and you know, he hasn't taken the 20 seconds to respond to my question by email. That's when i start feeling like an idiot and like an after thought. So, if i don't hear from him today, i will just take matters in my own hands and answer the question myself and move ahead with the project.
Yesterday, there was a discussion about how EMA affect our self esteem. I have thought alot about that since that post. This is what affects my self-esteem: when i look for emails and don't have them; when i want phone calls and don't get them; when i don't get acknowledged by him that what happened between us was real and dangerous and lovely and scary. He never talks about it all--it's almsot like it never happened.
So you see, when i long and look for contact for him, a piece of my self esteem gets chipped away. and Then i have to spend all this time picking up those pieces and gluing myself back together again. (Or, how sad is this: when i do finally hear from him, suddnely i feel whole again and those pieces realign and i am ok. How sad it that?}
How much power can you give up to one person. I will not let him take away my power and self esteem.
UGH! I am mad today, because i see i set myself back up in fantasy again.
Clarice
Clarice.... are you the single one in this relationship?
Sounds to me like now would be a perfect time for another "prince charming" to come stumbling along and sweep you off your feet.
elf
Hang in there!Im proud of you that you lasted that long.I read everyones stories here and wonder how you all do it.(((HUGS)))
Emma
I would love for another man to come along and sweep me off my feet--but you know, i am not going to ever get involved with a MM again. Tooooo painful! In all these years of my unhappy marriage, i have had mini crushes on other men, but never, ever have i fallen in love (or really even looked at anyone else until this stupid XMM came along.
So, you see, that is why it is hard for me! I have to dig myself out of the hurt of the XMM relationship all by myself!