How I'm feeling today

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
How I'm feeling today
20
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:04am
Not normally like me to just post how I'm feeling, but reading the letter posted here by the BS to the OW highlighted some of the feelings I've been having lately. Perhaps others want to share too.
I want to say that as a MW who is 6 months out of an A with a MM, someone whom I can't help but see every couple of days, along with his wife, what kills me is knowing that while everything seems fine on the surface, that all is not well under the covers. That there is a sickness in their marriage and my marriage that will most likely never be cured. He is so incredibly unhappy with her, but will never say or do anything about it to her to try to fix things. For awhile there was a temporary cure as he got the attention and affection he so badly needed, that I think the marriage was bearable. He was on top of the world. Now that it's over, he's a different man. Sad, and a little bit angry. Depressed. And her? At his birthday party recently I spoke with his wife for awhile. I asked her what she got him for his birthday and she said, "Nothing. I never give him anything." I bit my lip, because I know he got her some very expensive presents on her last couple of birthdays, and I just didn't understand why she would not reciprocate with something...even a card? Then a few moments later she smiled sort of smugly & said, "He just gets to spend another wonderful year with me."
I couldn't help but think that this is part of the attitude that led him to seek a relationship that offered affection, attention, dialogue and reciprocation. It's a huge weight to carry around on my back, knowing that he does not love her or adore her the way she thinks he does. The way he would speak of her, it was as if he was in hell, but felt trapped without any way to get out. I'm not saying any of this to justify my own relationship with him. It's over. But I hurt for him. Obviously I'm still working at getting over my feelings for him. Not over it yet...but trying really, really, really hard.
As for myself, I was very angry at my own husband for not giving me (or even trying to give me) what I wanted out of a marriage (mainly sex...went without it for years), and I felt completely disconnected from him. Having someone reciprocate and give me the intimacy I needed made me feel alive for the first time in years. But eventually it led me to be more aggressive with my own marriage, and finally - FINALLY my husband is seeking help for his ED problem. I still feel somewhat disconnected from him - it's as if I love him deeply, but am not feeling emotionally "in love" with him or the deep 'soul connection' I felt with the other guy. I'm feeling that I would never leave him or tell him about my failure as a wife because I don't want to hurt him, but there is a huge part of my soul that feels empty from the loss of the relationship I had with the OM. And I am racked with guilt every day over that, because he is a very sweet man who would never in a million years do to me what I did to him. I beat myself up over and over again every day over the decision I made when I was faced with a fork in the middle of the road of my life. Every day I wonder if the ecstatic happiness we experienced while we were secretly in love was worth the pain and suffering we are both separately going through now.
Well. That's how I'm feeling today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 7:18am

<<>>

~DTL~

You know, I work with my Xmm and have been able to see how the demise of our affair has effected him over these last few months, like what you are witnessing. After 9 months, his marriage is still right where it was 6 years ago and honey, they are simply stuck and nothing is going to change that until they make the effort. WE came along and gave them the thrill of their life, but in doing so, we reduced our own integrity to ground zero. I used to think it was love, but in hindsight I compare it now to a bad LSD trip....I was hallucinating for 4.5 years, thinking I was actualy going to open up this man's eyes and change him. Hah! They like wallowing in their everyday, habitual little worlds, no matter how lonely or sad they are. They are in their comfort zone...and you need to understand that only "THEY" can make it better. The truth is...they enjoy being married. A hard reality bullet to swallow, but this is how it is. We were the intruders, and though they opened up the window so we could sneak in, I climbed back out with less than what I had going in.

<<>>

For what it's worth, you will not get passed your affair until you completely cut off this type of thinking. It is NOT our place to assume how they feel about their wives. That is none of our business. He has made his choice, and you have to accept it. I was very downhearted when I saw that my xmm didn't make one effort to confront his inner struggles that "DO" affect his marriage. He still believes it's all about her, but I have come to understand it differently. He is a conflict avoider and I have talked to him about this on several occasions.(during the affair AND after). He is clueless as to what this means and has no desire to deal with it. So be it. I am not his shrink...I had to deal with my own inadequacies for ever getting involved with him in the first place. He no longer has a place in my thoughts, or my heart. Time with emotional distancing will get you to this place too someday.

<<>>

Affairs are nothing more than a scenic detour around a construction zone that eventually leads back to the reality. I was happy at first, but it was by no means ecstatic. A love that has to be kept secret eventually demoralizes and construes. The simple non-existence of honesty strips away anything that appeared sacred. I am sorry you are suffering, but unfortunately that is the payoff in these situations. Someone always gets hurt. Someone will always suffer. Your pain can only be controlled by "YOU."

I hope that someday you will be where I am at now. Like I said, I see him everyday, and there is "nothing" left in my memory bank that remotely resembles happiness. I have fervently worked on all issues that would EVER lead me down that road again.

Peace,

**Id**




Edited 3/2/2005 9:12 am ET ET by id_diosyncrity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 9:21am

Dothelimbo,

Our stories sound very similar. My xMM is a friend of mine’s H. I know how bad their marriage is and that he loves me. We both made each other’s Ms bearable for each other during our A. His W also treats him like crap. She never buys any gifts for him or even clothes for him, puts him down constantly, yells at him all the time, can’t stand for him to ever do anything he enjoys, and has admitted to me how much she hates him. It’s just a miserable existence for him, and her as well I suppose. Yet, I also don’t think he’ll ever leave her or do anything to make himself less miserable in that marriage. He has to stay in his comfort zone. He avoids conflict at all costs, and he feels that staying with his W is his obligation. I hate knowing that he is that unhappy, and I feel incredible guilt and sadness, knowing that he doesn’t love her - that he loves me.

My M has improved so much however, mostly because I have been trying to make it better. When I began the A, my H was angry and/or drunk most of the time and there was a lot of emotional abuse on his part. Things were really bad and if I had had the courage and even any financial or family support, I should have kicked him out. But, I didn’t. I didn’t want to mess my kids’ lives up like that, and I convinced myself that our M was tolerable for me. And then, my xMM came along and showed me all the attention and emotional support that I’d been starving for for so long.

So now, 1 ½ years later, my H is a much more attentive and loving husband to me, but I just don’t feel the love I should for him – too many bad times between me and him I guess. I’m hoping that eventually my feelings for him will return, but meanwhile, I miss my xMM so much. I think I’ll always love him.

I feel like I’ve messed everything up so badly. My xMM’s kids and mine are friends and we live in the same small community, so I can’t avoid all contact with him or his W. I don’t know when this overwhelming guilt and sadness and emptiness will go away. I just keep trying to get through each day as best I can and try to keep my children first and foremost in all my thoughts and actions.

This probably hasn’t helped you any, but I wanted to let you know that I share your feelings. It’s nice to just have someone to share this stuff with.

NewSummer

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 10:35am

<<...I climbed back out with less than what I had going in.>>>

Man, isn't THAT the truth. While I was feeling beautiful and desired during the early part of the A, I left it feeling uglier than I can ever have imagined, especially since he appears to have moved on to someone else who's younger, thinner, and prettier. In retrospect, I was looking for someone else to boost my self-image, but all I'm left with now is feeling like I wasn't good enough. It's a pretty low place to be at.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 10:49am

i just wander that in most cases of the affair, u feel so good only in the beginning but as time goes on it get more painful and miserable

its true for me too, the first 4 months is all good and then its downhill from there and i still want OW , its seems like we all like to feel pain

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 10:58am

I suppose I wanted the same intensity that the A held for me in the beginning. But I wasn't feeling that from him as time went on (the A lasted nearly 3 years, the last 18 months of which went downhill very fast).

I try to look at it like we had our time in the sun, and now it's time to move on. I feel we dragged it on longer that it should have gone, especially because neither of us had any intentions of leaving our spouses, and also the fact that it wasn't making either of us happy anymore..I was always suspicious, and he always had to hear my crap about it. He would have kept putting up with it though because he just didn't want to lose me from his life, but I recognized the downward spiral and called it quits.

A's are supposed to make you feel good, not lousy. Once you are experiencing more pain then pleasure, it's time to get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 1:18am
Summer: Actually, hearing from other people who are in an identical situation is pretty helpful to me. One of the hardest things about this is that there really isn't anyone I can talk to about my situation. In fact, not only that, but since we used to be great friends before the affair, I now have to often put on a happy face and pretend that we are still friends, while at the same time I have to also pretend that it doesn't bother me that in reality we don't speak to each other at all anymore. It's pretty farked up.
And although I'd love to erase my memory of our friendship and intimacy, I can't. And what I really truly want more than anything is to have back the friendship that we had before it turned into more, because it was the most fulfilling friendship I ever had in my life. It's a pipedream, I know that.
I hate that I can't just talk to him about how I'm feeling, or how he's dealing with it. Even when we're alone in the same room together, we don't talk about anything except smalltalk & work. If he'd talk about it, I'd talk about it. But since he doesn't say anything, I don't want to open my mouth because I'm afraid of pressuring him into talking about something he just wants to forget ever happened. And it's as if there was never a friendship between us. And that just plain old hurts.
Id: Everything you said was right...intellectually I know that. But right now my intellect is at odds with my emotions, and I don't know intellect will win the battle. Eventually I suppose I'll get there. And I have been working really hard at trying to find ways to make things work better between my husband and I...and finally even he seems interested in working on some of his issues (like maybe seeing a doctor for his dysfunction-yay!) But so far, I don't seem to have much control over the intense desire I still feel for this other man whom I fear doesn't even have desire for me anymore anyhow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 1:40am

hurtup,

i have the same experience, initially it was so wonderful, like a dream, i guess we are getting addicted and then its all downhill from there

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 5:16am

"We were the intruders, and though they opened up the window so we could sneak in, I climbed back out with less than what I had going in."

Mine was a sex only affair and I still hear this loud and clear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 5:33am
My A wasn't a friendship or "love" A so I don't really get that part except for what I've read on the A boards over the last few months. One thing seems pretty consistent. The love A's all swear their MM is their best friend and then are devestated when their best friend can't come out to play anymore. I always wanted to ask what happens to your other friends? Do they take second place when MMs on the scene? Now MM isn't sucking up all your time anymore, can't these friendships get a kickstart again? I mean, maybe you'll have to make some apologies but real friends would understand we can be buttheads sometimes. Worrying about whether MM's happy or his wife is taking him for granted or buying him b-day presents is pretty pointless when he's obivously happy enough to be staying with her. Maybe fill your time making up to the friends you ditched for MM so you haven't got any spare time to be dwelling on stuff?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 11:36am
I never ditched any friendships for the relationship I had with MM. But I wasn't able to be open and honest with my other friends about my feelings or state of mind during the affair, as it was ending, or now that I'm going through a sort of mourning phase. I have one friend that is aware of the affair, but has been very careful to now allow me to tell her any of the details (such as mention of sex or love), only the emotional connection and the friendship, because she doesn't want to have to ever lie or have ammunition to destroy my life or anyone else's with her knowledge. She's a good friend. But I can't even be completely honest with her because she has asked me not to.
One thing I don't talk about much on this board is that my XMM's wife and I used to be very good friends until the verbally abusive side of her began to show - she lost a lot of friends over a short period of time. I was one of the people who allowed her to be abusive to me for awhile (because I didn't want to cut myself off from access to him) and finally couldn't hack it anymore and stepped back. It was over a year ago that I did that, and when I did it meant I had to step back from him as well. We used to do a lot of things socially as couples and families until that point, which was pretty much the end of my access to him, and therefore we had no excuse to be together anymore. Besides getting together once a week or so alone, we would often be able to hang out together with our friends at dinner parties, kid playdates, playing softball and things like that, and when I stepped away from her no longer were he and I able to hang out together as friends anymore. We had a whole social group that would get together for parties, and it all sort of fell apart after she began to be not so nice to them too. I'm still friends with them though. I really have been trying to expand my group of friends to include new people, and I've been successful at that lately, because I too thought that perhaps focusing on new relationships would eventually fill the void in my soul, but so far it hasn't.

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