How I'm feeling today
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How I'm feeling today
| Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:04am |
Not normally like me to just post how I'm feeling, but reading the letter posted here by the BS to the OW highlighted some of the feelings I've been having lately. Perhaps others want to share too.
I want to say that as a MW who is 6 months out of an A with a MM, someone whom I can't help but see every couple of days, along with his wife, what kills me is knowing that while everything seems fine on the surface, that all is not well under the covers. That there is a sickness in their marriage and my marriage that will most likely never be cured. He is so incredibly unhappy with her, but will never say or do anything about it to her to try to fix things. For awhile there was a temporary cure as he got the attention and affection he so badly needed, that I think the marriage was bearable. He was on top of the world. Now that it's over, he's a different man. Sad, and a little bit angry. Depressed. And her? At his birthday party recently I spoke with his wife for awhile. I asked her what she got him for his birthday and she said, "Nothing. I never give him anything." I bit my lip, because I know he got her some very expensive presents on her last couple of birthdays, and I just didn't understand why she would not reciprocate with something...even a card? Then a few moments later she smiled sort of smugly & said, "He just gets to spend another wonderful year with me."
I couldn't help but think that this is part of the attitude that led him to seek a relationship that offered affection, attention, dialogue and reciprocation. It's a huge weight to carry around on my back, knowing that he does not love her or adore her the way she thinks he does. The way he would speak of her, it was as if he was in hell, but felt trapped without any way to get out. I'm not saying any of this to justify my own relationship with him. It's over. But I hurt for him. Obviously I'm still working at getting over my feelings for him. Not over it yet...but trying really, really, really hard.
As for myself, I was very angry at my own husband for not giving me (or even trying to give me) what I wanted out of a marriage (mainly sex...went without it for years), and I felt completely disconnected from him. Having someone reciprocate and give me the intimacy I needed made me feel alive for the first time in years. But eventually it led me to be more aggressive with my own marriage, and finally - FINALLY my husband is seeking help for his ED problem. I still feel somewhat disconnected from him - it's as if I love him deeply, but am not feeling emotionally "in love" with him or the deep 'soul connection' I felt with the other guy. I'm feeling that I would never leave him or tell him about my failure as a wife because I don't want to hurt him, but there is a huge part of my soul that feels empty from the loss of the relationship I had with the OM. And I am racked with guilt every day over that, because he is a very sweet man who would never in a million years do to me what I did to him. I beat myself up over and over again every day over the decision I made when I was faced with a fork in the middle of the road of my life. Every day I wonder if the ecstatic happiness we experienced while we were secretly in love was worth the pain and suffering we are both separately going through now.
Well. That's how I'm feeling today.
I want to say that as a MW who is 6 months out of an A with a MM, someone whom I can't help but see every couple of days, along with his wife, what kills me is knowing that while everything seems fine on the surface, that all is not well under the covers. That there is a sickness in their marriage and my marriage that will most likely never be cured. He is so incredibly unhappy with her, but will never say or do anything about it to her to try to fix things. For awhile there was a temporary cure as he got the attention and affection he so badly needed, that I think the marriage was bearable. He was on top of the world. Now that it's over, he's a different man. Sad, and a little bit angry. Depressed. And her? At his birthday party recently I spoke with his wife for awhile. I asked her what she got him for his birthday and she said, "Nothing. I never give him anything." I bit my lip, because I know he got her some very expensive presents on her last couple of birthdays, and I just didn't understand why she would not reciprocate with something...even a card? Then a few moments later she smiled sort of smugly & said, "He just gets to spend another wonderful year with me."
I couldn't help but think that this is part of the attitude that led him to seek a relationship that offered affection, attention, dialogue and reciprocation. It's a huge weight to carry around on my back, knowing that he does not love her or adore her the way she thinks he does. The way he would speak of her, it was as if he was in hell, but felt trapped without any way to get out. I'm not saying any of this to justify my own relationship with him. It's over. But I hurt for him. Obviously I'm still working at getting over my feelings for him. Not over it yet...but trying really, really, really hard.
As for myself, I was very angry at my own husband for not giving me (or even trying to give me) what I wanted out of a marriage (mainly sex...went without it for years), and I felt completely disconnected from him. Having someone reciprocate and give me the intimacy I needed made me feel alive for the first time in years. But eventually it led me to be more aggressive with my own marriage, and finally - FINALLY my husband is seeking help for his ED problem. I still feel somewhat disconnected from him - it's as if I love him deeply, but am not feeling emotionally "in love" with him or the deep 'soul connection' I felt with the other guy. I'm feeling that I would never leave him or tell him about my failure as a wife because I don't want to hurt him, but there is a huge part of my soul that feels empty from the loss of the relationship I had with the OM. And I am racked with guilt every day over that, because he is a very sweet man who would never in a million years do to me what I did to him. I beat myself up over and over again every day over the decision I made when I was faced with a fork in the middle of the road of my life. Every day I wonder if the ecstatic happiness we experienced while we were secretly in love was worth the pain and suffering we are both separately going through now.
Well. That's how I'm feeling today.

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Anyway....about the T. YES I want it so bad, but I've got some other hurdles I need to jump through before I can do that. I admit that I'm a bit paranoid, because I have a very high profile in my community, and even though it's illegal, immoral and unethical to break patient confidentiality, I am a little freaked out by the thought of giving someone I don't even know the power to destroy my life and someone else's with that information. It would be quite the scandal, believe me. Plus I'm not sure how I could keep a visit to a therapist a secret from my husband, and if I wasn't to keep it a secret from him, he might start to wonder what the hell was going on with me. So far I think I've kept my emotional state pretty under wraps from everyone except for a very few people.
Well....since you're going to see a therapist, let me know what she says, will ya?! :)
hi dot,
so u work with xMM, how do u deal with it, i work with OW too, its driving me nuts, i see her all the time, although we belong to other groups in company, we share the same circle of friends at work so its so hard to avoid her
i always have the urge to talk to her, im the one who is drawn to her, she on the other hand stay away as much as possible but she sometimes would talk to me also
i think it is a big mistake to have a personal relationship with someone u work with, affair or not
funny i play footsie with her also b4 in our meetings and even when we out to lunch with some co-workers
take care,
max
Dothelimbo,
Wow. Strangely enough, my A pretty much ended too because I couldn’t take my xMM’s W’s behavior anymore. Their family, my family and another family did everything together before that. So, my xMM and I saw each other at least every other day. I miss that so much - just the talking and laughing together. But when I couldn’t take things with his W anymore, it ended almost all of my access to him. I put up with her behavior for a long time, just because I didn’t want to lose him, and also out of guilt. Now, our families don’t do stuff together anymore and I really miss that. I don’t have any family of my own and they had become like an extended family to me. I’m still good friends with the other couple, but things just aren’t the same. There’s a real sadness for all of us that things have fallen apart.
I see my xMM about once a week now, and 2 or 3 times a week in passing (because of our kids). He still loves me and I still love him. We just don’t know what we can do about it if neither of us is ready or willing to leave our Ms. We’re both just too scared – scared of facing the music; scared of hurting everyone else. We’ve got small children and 20-year Ms and highly volatile spouses. It just seems to be more than we can deal with.
I oscillate between thinking I can make my M work and thinking I need to leave my M because it’s never going to be what I need it to be. My xMM is pretty much in the same boat. And I feel so sad thinking I may never love my H again the way I should and that I may never have the kind of intimacy and connection I had with my xMM.
I am in T, and it does help. I’ve also had to go back on my anti-depressants. I’m still hoping my xMM and I can stay friends somehow. I know that goes against a lot of the conventional wisdom on this board, but I never seem to do anything in a conventional way anyway.
Thanks for writing me back. I’m sorry it took me awhile to respond. I’ve been out with sick kids and can’t post from home. Hang in there.
Summer
hi kelly,
hang in there
max
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Not sure what to tell you. Me and XMM definately dragged this on longer that it should have gone, being the tension was so bad between us for the last half of the 3 year A. I just don't feel these situations get any better as time goes on, but rather worse. I was hoping when the time came for it to be over, that me and him wouldn't hate each other..I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now because I have SO much anger towards him, and I guess that does make it easier to stay away..but it's really not how I wanted it to be. There just is no ideal solution to our problems, we can only make the choices that we can live with. You'll know when you're ready.
Man oh man working with xMM would suck sooo bad and we didnt even have any real emotion involved. Easy answer is change job. Easy to say not so easy to do.
I was worried about confidentiality too. I asked T about it (I work in a hospital) and she tells me that there are all kinds of checks and balances in place. One of these is there are no names on files just alpha numeric codings. A lawyer friend laughed when I mentioned it. He said I should HOPE for some breach of confidentiality since I could write my own check in compensation lol.
What we mainly went over was a rough overview of my life to date. Lots of stuff from my childhood need looking at but I knew that anyway. Mom abandoned us for an OM.
T said one thing she sees is a disparity between how I wish to perceive myself (basically good person) and who I am in thought, word, deed and action on a day to day basis (someone who had an 8 year A). T said this disparity can lead to feeling uncomfortable until the picture and the reality are closer together again.
Id posted about this on All Sides and it really helped me to start digesting some of what T said. Maybe she'll clue you in here or link the post whatever.
Anywhoo I'd say I think this T business is going to be a good thing. I'll be going once a month.
As far as what your H thinks about going to T why would this need to be a secret? Just because your going to T doesn't automatically mean Oooh DTL's having or had an A! Most people go to work on personal problems or depression or whatever. Anyway if it was ok to lie to H about the A, why not fudge a little to find a reason to go to T to deal with the aftermath of the A?
You have more than me to lose if you dont work this stuff out. I'm single, no kids. Your H & kids need you to get straight in yourself. More than that, YOU deserve it so find a way.
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