How important is closure?
Find a Conversation
How important is closure?
| Fri, 01-08-2010 - 10:14pm |
I am in the midst of trying to end my A and could really use your help. I have another thread going on how I can move forward when I go NC. But for right now I am wondering if prior to NC is it best to have a conversation with AP and set groundrules,

Hello,
welcome, I am a newbie (less than 3months NC), I am 5 weeks NC. I am normally long winded in my responses...but i am tired and it is late, but i did not want to leave you hanging..I was gonna chime in early, the boards seem really quiet as of late, not sure why...i am sure someone will respond tomorrow as well.
to answer your question, there is no right or wrong way to end things...i have been on this board for well before NC and it appears that no matter how it ends, we all hurt and we all experience a lot of pain and frustration, good days, bad days etc....there really is no such thing as closure in a A...the important thing is that it ends....
no such thing as real closure, see the healing library, read..stay here and we will get you thru.
I am a venter and I never had a opportunity to say a lot, and it kills me...but i know nothing i say or he says will change a thing. he married, he is taken and he is not for me....sound like your MM is too.
End it....regardless of how you choose to, just end it and get back to the living...get back to you.
I will be around tomorrow if you need me...
Hi GMLB,
While there is not hard and fast rule on how to end it, I always recommend keeping it short and to the point. It’s best to leave emotions out of it IMHO as that can sometimes send mixed messages.
I would suggest something like: “I’m not waiting for the dust to settle and I’m writing my own final chapter. I’m ending this now. Please respect my decision and do not contact me”.
Then you need to block his email address and block his phone number from your cell and home number if you can. It sends a clear message if he does try to contact you that you are not leaving open ANY lines of communication.
Most of us women want to write long drawn out emails or text messages explaining our reasons and how we feel etc. Most men just get lost in the sea of information and are confused.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
GMLB,
You haven't mentioned if you are still in contact with MM. I know he said, "Wait until the dust settles" but are you still emailing? If not, serving your best interests would be to block him now, because let me tell you how this is probably going to play out. ;-)
Right now he is
~Iddy~
gmlb72,
I responded to you on your other thread, but I just wanted to say the advice you are getting here is spot on. BTDT.
Regarding how to end it, just a short to the point email is enough. Do not tell him you will miss him, you will always love him, avoid any emotional statements. Like E1 pointed out, it will get lost is his mind anyway and there is a chance his wife might read it, you just never know. I emailed my xAP with the reasons I was requesting NC and made the mistake of including th emotional crap. He didn't get it, all he focused on was do not contact me. I later found old emails that he didn't understand my reasons at all, just crushed that I didn't want to share my life with him. So E1 is right, avoid the syrupy stuff and say I cannot do this anymore, my life and family are my focus, do not contact me again.
Block his numbers, his email, any form of contact. Erase everything, destroy everything. I'm kinda getting the feeling you are scared of discovery since his wife now has knowledge of the affair. Or maybe not, but right now you need to do anything you can to protect you, your marriage and your family from the pain of discovery. After you do that, then you can move forward to healing.