How it ended, AP's reaction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
How it ended, AP's reaction?
18
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 6:08pm

Just curious if my AP's reaction is normal to my ending the A. He's not handling it well at all, and I know all the arguments for it, but in my case I feel complete NC is impossible, so I know how much pain xAP is in, because he is telling me via email. I still love him and maybe always will, but the A was also making me sick, crazy, and I recommited myself to make my M work or if I can't leave on my own terms for ME and not because of some other relationship/outside influence.

 

So, questions for you:

- Who ended it and why (the biggest reason(s))?

- Did you want the relationship to end?

- Do you think you genuinely loved AP? If yes, do you still?

- How did your AP react if you ended it? How did you react if AP ended it?

- How soon did fishing attempts stop (from AP or you after the A ended)?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 6:20pm

Hey redlighttogo 

Is it possible that he is still hurting and keeps experiencing new hurt every time you two are in contact.  I mean, you know how NC = no new hurt, right?  

I'm curious as to why NC is considered to be impossible.  Do you work together or have to see each other in social situations due to circumstances?

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 6:22pm
Yes
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 6:26pm
Oops sent to quickly... yes, although as of next week it WILL be possible, except we could see each other in passing. So I made it clear that after today I will no longer be in any form of contact, and asked him to do the same. He agreed but is clearly trying to guilt me into keeping in touch right now. It's really hard because I care about him so much and I hate that this is so bad for him. I actually feel good about my decision. He is acting like an addict going through withdrawal, big time :smileysad:
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 6:45pm

Yeh, you really have to try your best to make it stick this time.  Too much hurt and pain.

The thing of it is is that WE understand from participating on this Board how NC works.  Our JAMs do not.  So we have to step up to the plate and do the right thing for both of us.  We know that NC and blocking all avenues of communication works two-fold....so we can't contact them during a weak moment and so they can't contact us during a weak moment...those weak moments as a result of withdrawal.  If he gets through again before you have a chance to do it, perhaps you can make him see how contacting each other is actually hurting each other further and not allowing each other to heal and move forward...and a clean break needs to be made...then block and walk and he'll get the message.

Most of us...well, those of us who maintain NC...never know how their xaffair partner is holding up.  It can no longer be our concern.   

We are adults and will eventually get over it and heal in our own way...in our own time, but we can't and won't when one or both parties keeps breaking NC and opening up the wound.  

Your NC date of 8/16 had been noted...so mark your calendar, girl...prepare to receive your Tweenerville Wings on 11/16 :smileyhappy:

((hugs))

Clarity


Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 7:35pm

- Who ended it and why (the biggest reason(s))?
I consider that I ended the A. Maybe he considers that he ended it by being the world's biggest jack@ss. He told me he was only interested in hearing from me when I was in his city and available for sex. Apparently I was a self-delivering call girl.

- Did you want the relationship to end?
I had offered last year for us to be friends and he had agreed. When it became obvious that we couldn't be friends (because of my stupidity and his jack@ssery), I whipped myself out of the A so fast I think I got windburn.

- Do you think you genuinely loved AP? If yes, do you still?
I don't see how I could have. He lived a six-hour drive away. The last time I saw him he had started to wear glasses to read small print. I didn't know what he was working on. I didn't know how he felt about sports, politics or religion. If I had asked, I think he would have told me something he thought I wanted to hear. When we were together, I would shut out the rest of the world and my regrets came when I let it all back in. I've never felt that way about anyone else and that's not a positive.

Now, I will say there was a little honeymoon period when I was awash with chemicals and feeling very lovey about xap, wanted to be with him again, hear from him again. That always seemed to last a week or two and then I'd settle back into feeling like he was just someone with whom I occasionally had sex. If he'd been smart, and I'll never tell him this so he can use it against some other woman, he would just have ignored me for a while or responded minimally until I got our last encounter out of my system. I think that might have been harder to achieve if we had had any kind of regular contact. I think that lovish feeling would have been cumulative and who knows how long it would have taken to get that out of my system.

- How did your AP react if you ended it? How did you react if AP ended it?
I don't know how Xap reacted. I didn't stick around to find out. My survival instinct was much stronger than my curiosity. I sent him an email saying goodbye in three short letters. I set up an auto response on my email account to send him a system message saying his email was undeliverable. I sent a second email asking him to delete everything I sent him and letting him know a response was not necessary. Then I deleted that email account, a process that took seven days. And that was that. He might have responded to my last emails but I have no way of knowing. I also set up filters on my work email address but I couldn't on my work smart phone. So he could have texted me but didn't. So my guess is he did respond to one of my first emails, got the system response and struck me from his list. Whatever.

- How soon did fishing attempts stop (from AP or you after the A ended)?
There wasn't anything xap could have done or said to lure me back in. I was finished and, apparently, so was he. And if he hadn't been finished, I had the advantage of the clear view. It wasn't going to work and no amount of papering it over was going to make it work.

I have a question for you. You wrote in your original post that you felt NC was impossible and in a response to Clarity that it would be possible as of next week. How was it impossible yesterday and possible today? You don't have to answer that. Just make sure you're being honest with yourself. Make sure you're protecting yourself and your xap in this ending. Don't leave wiggle room. You can't be friends. You can't get out from under sick and crazy if you're still hearing from him. Block his emails. Block his texts. Change his name in your contact list to Telemarketer or Do nothing. (I like Zen of Nothingness myself.) Any time you respond to him or contact him, you give him hope and hope, in these cases, is toxic. I want you to heal. You want him to heal. Nothing heals when you pick at a scab. It just keeps hurting.

I'm pulling for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 9:29pm

Though my A has been over for 4 months now, I still feel right back at the beginning of the healing process most weeks, so i'll jump in.  Not sure that my answers can help you with insight, though, as our A did not end by any choice of mine or xAP's - we had a D-day that ended everything for us.  Up until that very day, we were still declaring our love, planning our divorces and our futures together.  Having a d-day (on both our ends) threw us out of that fantasy world right into a world of reality in which both our spouses were devestated and our children were impacted.  Our families were good friends, so our spouses and our children hung out all the time, and all of that immediately stopped (obviously) when they found out what we had been up to.

- Who ended it and why (the biggest reason(s))? Like I said, our ending was the result of a D-day, though I had discussed on many occasions that we would have to end things and work on our marriages in order to know if xAP and I were truly meant to be like we thought.  Of course, my attempts to end were always pretty measly as the addiction was strong and we didn't want to be apart from each other, no matter how much I talked about it being the right thing to do.

- Did you want the relationship to end? No, not at all.  But as soon as we had a D-day, I was thrown in this world that I had abandoned in which I was supposed to be.  So I had to quickly get my head in the game of my M and convince my H that I wanted to work on our M.  Deep down, I knew that was what I had to do, but my head wasn't on the same page as my heart for awhile. 

- Do you think you genuinely loved AP? If yes, do you still? Yes, I know I genuinely loved AP and unfortunately, he still has a big piece of my heart.  I do feel like i'm starting to get feelings back for my H, but I still feel a deep void and emptiness in my heart from the loss of my xAP.

- How did your AP react if you ended it? How did you react if AP ended it? On the occasions when I talked about ending it and "tried" to end it, he was very resistant and made it clear that he did not want to lose me, but that he would respect my wishes.  He did tell me that if we were ever to end, it would have to be me to pull the plug b/c he did not want to lose me.  He also told me that if I ever was able to go through with it (since we both knew I talked about it all the time but was never strong enough to stick with it), that he would basically retreat and hide b/c it would be the only way he would be able to deal (hello, NC!).  I kept insisting to him that once we ended, I wanted us still to be friends and have our families hang out b/c I thought having him in my life at least in SOME capacity would be better than nothing, but he always insisted that would be too hard, and he apologized to me in advance for knowing that he was going to pull away from me so that he could deal with the situation the best way he knew how.

- How soon did fishing attempts stop (from AP or you after the A ended)? Since our D-day, we continued to communicate once in awhile through a private email account we had set up while in our A.  Our communication was seldom, and post d-day, he was the one pulling away and distancing himself, insisting that he meant everything he said to me, but that he couldn't do anything with it now.  His wife and him are separating as a result of the A, and he has told me he needs to focus on fixing himself and getting his head on straight, as well as seeing his kids through this tough transitional time in his family.  And then there's me, who has been working on my M to the best of my ability while still grieving a very difficult loss.  Anyway, the longest we had gone without communicating was 6 weeks, which I broke almost a week and a half ago.  After emailing back and forth for several days, we are again back to NC (as of the last week).  We've never actually discussed or decided that we would not communicate, but we've both agreed that we need to work on our own lives right now while trying to move on.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.  Though I never actually did end it on my own terms, I always knew that was the right thing to do and a decision that I thought about and talked about with him all the time.  I give you major kudos for being strong enough to make a healthy decision for both of you that will allow you to get your lives back on track.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 7:26am

- Who ended it and why (the biggest reason(s))? The first time we ended, it was xAP. xAP is bipolar and an alcoholic..chronic womanizer..he was spiralling out. of. control. and when I called him on it? He absolutely blew up and hung up on me. End of story. Goodbye.  2 months later...he fished. I fell..lot's of promises, therapy, etc. And after a month? I realized I had changed too much and I couldn't continue. I ended.

- Did you want the relationship to end?No..but I realized that neither zAP or I was really happy. I needed to take back an honest life..for me AND for xAP...and for both of our families!

- Do you think you genuinely loved AP? If yes, do you still? I did and still do. He has a lot of glaring difficulties. A beautiful disaster, so to speak. But I need to love and care for him from a distance. Not in R.L.

- How did your AP react if you ended it? How did you react if AP ended it? When AP ended? I was in shock. I knew I had fallen into a weird funk and I HAD to get my life back. When I ended? I talked to him a few times after. He insisted he was actually dying...that he didn't want me out of his life. (and I kept reminding myself that I was never really IN his life..not the day-to-day life stuff). A week later he called (and I answered) to say he was still thinking about me, he missed me. We chatted for a brief moment. I hung up...and have not talked to him since. At that point I KNEW I had to change my number and truly walk away. It was too hard for both of us, to stay in contact..even as friends.  I have not talked to him, since. I suspect he is now involved with someone else..since that is his way of coping. But I really don't know.

- How soon did fishing attempts stop (from AP or you after the A ended)? I don't know. It is possible he will fish again...because at this point in time I am only 31 days n.c. (an all time record for me!)

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 12:22pm
Red

I know we all have questions about why xAP did what he did etc. but at this point you need to be asking yourself questions as to why you engaged in your A. Bring the focus back to you. It's ended - if you are recommitting to your marriage these questions do not help you (and others) to do this.

Your only concer is you at the moment and how you are helping yourself to move on and heal.

Much love

Yellow x

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 7:04pm
Yellow- I read this but as with every post relating to A-scrivener to recall, I can't answer. It hurts me to think about it and post about it. The oddest thing we did, sexual parts, this post ... I'm trying so hard to move ahead and lessen thoughts of xap .... these make me sad : (
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 7:24pm
Thanks for the encouragement and documenting my date, Clarity. Yesterday I was numb and distracted at work. This morning I woke up missing him like hell, and he started messaging me, sounding all fine and dandy, telling me about what he was doing around the house like nothing happened and we were just friends or some BS. Obviously still f-ing with my emotions. And I am angry now. He's being a jerk. I did not respond, so hold my date! I don't understand why he feels the need to assert his moving on so quickly, but I am trying to do happy things for me today. Making a happy dance mix now, which will be my "dance therapy" music for later tonight... my favorite way to feel better (pour a nice glass of wine, blast my music, light candles, and dance like a fool!).

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