how long?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
how long?
21
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:04pm
How long does the agonizing pain last? It feels like mourning a death.

How long before you start to realize NC is not that big of a deal and you just forget that you haven't had contact?

Basically, I'm just trying to find out I will be in Hell.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:50pm
Bear, it really IS like mourning a death. You may even go through the same stages of grief as you would for a death -- sorry I can't remember exactly what they are, but they include things like sorrow, denial, anger, and finally acceptance, which is your goal!

Everyone grieves differently and for different amounts of time, so I can't say "Well, in 2 months you will feel such-and-such..." But I *can* tell you that if you are patient with yourself, if you work hard to maintain NC and to figure out what's going on inside of you -- you WILL feel better!! You have a lot going for you, in that you are getting professional help and you have a wife who is standing by you.

Good luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:52pm
How long has it been? There really isn't a way to tell how long we're going to hurt. In our relationship, I was single seeing a younger MM. We worked together and broke up in July. I couldn't take working with him and seeing him everyday so quit my job. After a month he called telling me how much that he missed me and how much he still loved me. Needless to say I was very happy, not for long though. His call came on a Thursday night, we got to see each other on Friday. The next week he filed for divorce and is with someone else. No explanation, nothing and I'm going crazy. How long are we going to hurt? I really don't know......
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:55pm
Bear,

Do something wonderful for yourself and your wife. Celebrate this change and the possibilities that lie ahead. Your wife sounds like an incredible woman; you and she deserve to enjoy each other and enjoy life again. Do something fun while you are working so hard to rebuild your relationship.

Best of luck,

Golda

---Golda
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 2:01pm
Dear Bear:

9 solid months of hell and then a small break and its been three more months--it still hurts but is finally starting to heal

Survive

(Sorry for the bad news)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 2:44pm
My A only lasted about 4 months...so it will most likely be easier to get over than a longer-term situation...

First 3 weeks were a nightmare. But then I started therapy, taking zoloft, and slowly started to get my life back.

Its been about 2 months since the breakup, and over a month since last contact...and I feel better every day. ExMM is no longer a constant in my mind...though he's still present all the time...not sure if that makes sense.

But now I KNOW, which I didn't right after the breakup, that the right thing happened. And there's no going back for me, no matter how tempting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 3:08pm
How long you ask? Well, it has been over 10 months for me and I still feel the pain. I truly think this is something that I am always going to have what-if's and feel pain about. I used to post here earlier this year but I lurk instead now. The people here were so helpful to me. I no longer need the support to end the A. That will not be starting up again. Now I try to focus on getting over the hurt that I still have.

On a positive note I can definately say that it is not the same kind of pain that it was at first. The memories are still there but the emotion isn't there like it was in the beginning. That took about 4 months to get over. The pain that I have is the hurt that I have over our last words. We didn't part on the best of terms and had a nasty exchange of words. I would like to think that what he said to me isn't truly how he feels but those were his last words and now it is how I remember him. xMM's W found out about us twice. The first time after a month break the A started up again. The second time she made him choose me or her. He wanted to try to rebuild his marriage and I should have respected his wishes but I kept caving in and contacting him which irritated him more and more everytime I did it. I realize now that I wanted to hear from him that he missed me/still thought about me/wanted me, etc.. I feel like here I am struggling through this pain and he can just pick up and move on so easily.

I think that this board will show you that everyone gets over their A at a different pace. There is no "set" times that you can set a target for. I tried all of the things like keeping busy, keeping a journal, etc.. None of it worked for me. The A is something that I have just had to come to terms with. I can say that it DOES get easier with time.

Good luck to you Bear2092

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 3:22pm
Bear,

XOM and I were only together for about 4 months. He broke things off the beginning of August...and you know my story :-) It's still really hard, but no longer excrutiating. I think healing is different for everyone. It will definitley take you some time. You need to focus on one day at a time though. Try to not think about it on a long term basis. It sounds like you have an amazing W who truly loves you and wants to be with you.

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 3:23pm
Bear,

I just wanted to jump in here and tell you that you control how long you will hurt. I went 6 weeks hurting and crying because I went NC with xOM after my H confronted me about the A. At first H wanted to work on things, didn't want to lose me, etc., last week H told me that he couldn't do it anymore it was over, believe me any thought or hurt over xOM has taken a back seat because all of my hurt and pain is now focused on saving my M. H told me that those 6 weeks he didn't think I even tried to work on our M, I thought I had. Your W wants to stick by you, take it from my failure that you have to make a conscious decision to put everything you have into your M and stop thinking about xOW. As much as it hurts to do that how bad will it hurt you if your W decided she wasn't going to stick by you, that she was leaving?

You know the ironic thing is that when H told me he couldn't do it anymore the first thing that popped into my head was that I can't live without H, xOM didn't even get a thought, where 6 wks ago I probably would have gone running to xOM. Hang in there you can make it work with W. Take it hour by hour if that helps and we are all here to support you.

DAF

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 3:46pm
Hiya Bear,

I was in a 3.5yr EMA which ended in January this year but not without first producing my now 23mos old daughter. In the last couple months I've moved back into the matrimonial home and DH & I are in the process of rebuilding.

Short answer to how long it takes is that it varies enormously. It's an individual thing to be honest. Much seems to depend on whether you are a "rip the bandaid off" or "slowly pull the bandaid off by yanking out each individual hair" type person, really.

Longer answer? Ok, for me it took roughly 2 months to cycle through all the very real grief stages. I repeated some. It is a slow process and the pain and obsessive thoughts gradually ease in both intensity & frequency. I still remember vividly noticing that it had been an entire hour-long programme that I'd not allowed exOM to intrude upon my thoughts for that one-hour period.

Of course, like many of us if not most, I dragged it out by having some sporadic phone contact at the beginning with regard to our daughter, however, he proved unable to keep to that topic/subject (and so did I) so I cut all contact altogether.

Nowadays if he wants to visit our daughter, he leaves a message on the answerphone and my husband phones to make the arrangements since it is my husband who solely supervises any such visitation. These arrangements are as agreed between myself, my husband, exOM's DP and exOM isn't real happy about them but if he wishes to see his eldest child (mine), that's how it has been agreed. It is very much my own choice not to be part of his visits.

The best way to prolong the pain and to eek as much stark, gut-wrenching agony as humanly possible is to simply maintain contact with your ex affair partner.

A swift surgically precise cut heals far faster than a gash from the shard of a broken bottle. Far less possibility of infection, too, eh?

However, that was only my choice and what worked for me personally - I'm a `rip that bandaid right off' type person, in case it's not obvious.

Look around you, Bear, there are many who are feeling just like you are right this very moment. What words of encouragement might you find for someone in the kind of pain you are in?

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 3:54pm

Bear, I strongly suggest that you consider moving and/or finding a job elsewhere.

Love

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