how long?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
how long?
21
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:04pm
How long does the agonizing pain last? It feels like mourning a death.

How long before you start to realize NC is not that big of a deal and you just forget that you haven't had contact?

Basically, I'm just trying to find out I will be in Hell.

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anonymous user
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 4:04pm


I am new to this board, but I have been reading through it for several months; it helped me beyond description.

In regards to your question, I do not know what your interaction with the gentleman/lady is all about. Maybe you wrote about it, need to look for it through the board.

If you do not work with the man/lady or at least have "controlled" access to him/her, then the time of mourning (due to NC) is all up to you. In my case, I did not work with the man (married man soon to be divorced); however, the psychological tug-of-war was taking its toll on me. I tried breaking up with him several times but found myself

glue-trapped, could not "emotionally" break free. Finally, enough was enough.

First thing I did...changed my cellular phone number, the first and secure way he knew how to get in touch with me. He would not dare to call my home, petrified of my husband (however, I do know he called my home number- my husband complaining of hang-ups). Also, I never pick up my home phone which he is aware of. E-mails (another "reliable" access to me) were blocked. By "buffering" myself, he, in time, became that "out of sight, out of mind" issue. No longer did I have to "psychologically" torture myself whether he is going to either call or e-mail; as long as I was able to keep myself away from the hypnosis of his power (example, if he called, I would have called back instantaneously)...the faster I was able to heal, gain more control of myself, the situation and even (sadly, but did not mean to) him. Through those tactics, it took me TWO MONTHS (yes, I thought about him everyday, in pain). Please be aware I was in love with him (or maybe I wasn't, addiction?, who knows, but irrelevant as of now) but could no longer deal with the

bulls---, wanted to "live" again.

In time, I was able to see things clearly sans rose-colored glasses; finally realize he is/was bad news all the way around, lowered my standards, accepted a lot of garbage because I "loved" him. Recently when I have spoken to him (and yes, I still do have some feeling but have no desire to act upon it) via phone after 4 months of NC, I was cold. Funny, he even asked if I remembered his birthday (which was going to come up within few days). I replied yes...when his birthday appeared, I did NOTHING- literally felt no desire to wish him anything, NOT EVEN AS A FRIEND.

I was ruthless in terms of how I left, but I had no choice. If I had told him I was going to change my phone number, block e-mails, etc.......he would have given me that "I do not care" attitude, the typical "I will not show you my emotions" guy stance; that itself would have challenged me to stick around, would have been devastated if I had to witness that "nonchalent" attitude. I can assure you I hurt him by doing what I did...pleading, frantically asking (like a little boy) why I disappeared on him without notice.

I have to thank NC for getting me through this. Again, TWO MONTHS!

Been there

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 4:07pm
I guess everyone has their own timeline, but for me, it's just started to get better, and I'm on five weeks now since it ended (we had some contact due to my breaking NC). It will be painful, but I think you need to feel the pain, in order to heal. Focus on making your life better WITHOUT this person.... look at the good things, focus on yourself. Read my post from yestered - it DOES get easier. You think of them less. You can live if your cellphone is not on, or if you don't check email for a few hours or days. Those songs that used to make you cry, really won't affect you anymore. And you will get past it. You will. Hang in there, and come here any time you feel yourself slipping. Someone will always talk you out of it!

I am not nearly close to being over this, of course, but I know I will. It's hard, it's a loss, and it will take time to get over. Try not to let it overcome your life. You may always have these feelings, you just need to figure out how to deal with the memories that you will have to live with. It's not easy, and I hate that I will always have to have them myself. I wish there was a right answer for you. Just give it time...

Hugs, I know how you are feeling.

nyc

Edited 10/26/2004 4:10 pm ET ET by nycgemini


Edited 10/26/2004 4:13 pm ET ET by nycgemini

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 4:38pm
It's been one week for me since the end of my A. I have been having a terrible time. Today was really busy at work so I had no choice but to suck it up and do my job. It also kept me away from the phone. However, I must admit that each time I saw the "message light" on, I was hopeful that it was him. It wasn't.

Although he claims to love me and is working towards "our future" by getting out of his current relationship, it's hard to believe that it will ever be. The pain is intense and now that my day is coming to a close, I am longing to speak with him. We have had a custom of early morning and end-of-day calls.

UGH! It's only been one week and I see all of you talking about weeks and months of pain. It's too much to bear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 5:02pm
I tried to break off my A twice. First time, it lasted for 1 day. Then MM called and told me how much he missed me. I right away got sucked back into his arms. We met the next day, got intimate, etc.

My A has only lasted for about 3 months. The first 2 months I was very happy with him. Then MM started caring less. I mean, he claimed he cared about me a lot, although never showed it.

So, 2 weeks after our first break up, I ended it again. This way last Friday. On Saturday we didn't speak, but Sunday came (when him and I usually call each other on the phone), I called him. He was a bit cold to me.

Yesterday we didn't talk at all. Today I saw him, I called him again, we spoke.

Our A is definitely over. I was the one who ended it twice already. His response the first time was "Maybe we should cool things off for a while". Does that mean, he wants to get back together with me some day?

Either case, to make my story short. I have a hard time with NC. I am basically going through a nervous breakdown.

I constantly stare at my cell phone "Is he gonna call?", "Why isn't he calling me back?", etc.

I am going through such a pain, I don't know if I will ever heal from all this. I once had a relationship where it took me years to get over that person.

I try to keep busy at home, at work, but it's not helping. At home, I neglect my house work, at work I am messing up (which never happened to me before).

I hope I am not going through a depression, or something. It sure looks and feels like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 5:04pm
Dear Island:

Hang in there! If you break NC it will just take longer. Looking back I don't know how I made through all of these days without him and in pain. But what he taught me by leaving me is that I can live without him. I didn't think I could. But I can and I will. I am not happy. But I survived it. And someday, God willing, I will be happy again. You will survive it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 5:23pm
Sad,

You may very well be depressed. I know I was after my exMM left. If you haven't already, therapy is a great option. At the very least, its a neutral third party who you can tell everything to in complete confidence.

I never thought I'd feel better either. But I do, after 2 months.

I see him online now quite a bit (on the message board where we first met). We don't talk directly but of course we both read what the other writes. I know he is still with the W, and is going back to finish his degree (that he didn't years ago b/c he was on a drug bender...nice huh).

What's amusing to me is, he still thinks I'm getting a divorce. And I flirt lightly w/some of the guys online just to reinforce that. Nothing excessive or silly, just some banter. It make me laugh to think he has NO idea what my life is like now.

Its a powerful feeling. I am in control of my destiny again. I feel foolish that I ever gave any control to him, but I can have pride in the fact that I got my life back, and my future.

I still miss him, but in a different way than when he first left. At first, I thought I was losing someone I was in love with...well, looking back, I was merely terribly infatuated and caught up in the same excitement we all got caught up in. Now, I miss him in the sense that I do miss SOME of the excitement, and we did have some great chats. But I don't consider going after him to try and win him back any more...thank GOODNESS.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 6:50am
Hi bear,

my 2 cents, which maybe give you a different angle...

I've always felt that maybe it's worse than mourning a death, and closure is often harder to come by with the ending of an affair: Death is final; you know the other person has gone for good, and you will never be able to see/hear etc. them again. There's no choice. Ending an affair means a. having a choice and b. that there still are possibilities for contact: Calling them up again, having to see them at the job, getting messages from them etc. And even if there is lots of space and distance between you and the OW and you have NC, there may be tormenting knowledge of her that comes to you by chance, whether you want it or not (as it was in my case).

And: You know the other person is still walking the face of the earth, lives on, gets on with her new life - as should/are you. All this makes it harder, I feel.

How long it takes to be over it completely, is different in each case, depending on personalities, the situation itself, changes in your own life. For me, it's now 1 1/2 years after the end, and I'm only making real progress in the last 2 months or so. I disagree with the opinion that you have control over how long closure will take. OK, so you can take some measures: Use this board as help (which worked so well for me), go out, do new things, concentrate on your marriage/your life, analyse things through, go through the stages of grieving - but I felt none of this really slowed or quickened my internal progress of healing.

I just had to wait it out, go through with it, have setbacks/relapses etc. Suddenly there came a time when I saw things differently (without being able to working out every little detail I thought I had to work out) - but there had been no "trigger", one thought or action or person that got the healing mechanisms going better. Suddenly, the affair (which was one of the biggest events in my life) seemed to be less important, seemed to matter less for my future life. It became kind of more surreal, and old, and out-dated somehow. The hurt + pain became less and less, the once so huge desire hazed and foggy.

Of prime importance was that the affair as well as I held complete NC (he earlier, I later). I also found that letting go (as soon as I was able) of bad, revengeful, aggressive and self-pitying thoughts, as well as letting go of any questions that would never be answered, REALLY helped me, as did throwing away the keepsakes I had treasured so.

Yes, it was hell, and sometimes I still get a strong whiff of sulphur, even after all this time. But one thing that I know now, and which I knew before the affair, but apparently had to have hammered in by experience, is: Never again. Never ever again. This knowledge, come by so hard, firms my character and gives me more of a personality still. Even the worst we go through, self-inflicted or not, in the end is good for something.


Wishing you lots of strength and well-healing scars,

M.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:24am

You sound very healthy.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 11:05am

Been There Done That.


Bottom Line: You create your own sense of misery. Same as you create your own sense of happiness. It comes from within, not outside of you. It is something you do, not something done to you. In short, you either choose to be a victim and victimize yourself by wallowing in feeling awful or you look at the truth of where you are and what you want from life and then ACT on those desires and CHANGE for the better.


Your choice. No one else's.


I've made them. So have all the others on this board who have chosen to end their affair and the rest of what's unacceptable to them for a life going forward. Some are alone. Some are married. All chose to face their issues rather than hide inside an affair.


Your turn.


Get moving.


(If the affair had REALLY been inspiring for a different lifestyle, you would have ended the marriage).


The affair is over. Long live your new life in the open.


You'll be OK.


cl-nre


P.S. For those of you tempted to look at the end of an affair as "death", I suggest you look at it as "life", similar to the end of a pregnancy. You're choosing a new life, a new way of facing the world. NOT mourning the dead, embracing life in all its truth and splendor.......




Edited 10/27/2004 11:08 am ET ET by cl-noregretsever


Edited 10/27/2004 11:11 am ET ET by cl-noregretsever
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 11:23am
Thank you all for your support. It seems to help better than therapy. Every moment my mind is occupied with thought of the ow. It is so very painful to continue to feel this way. To know all I have to do is pick up the phone or send an e-mail and the pain goes away for awhile. Lately, my w and other relatives noticed I have been crying uncontrollably, not eating (lost 25 lbs), not sleeping, irritable, no desire to work or play, not interested in my hobbies. I have been having suicidal thoughts. My w made an appt for me at the family DR. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given RX for both. Both RX need time to build up and work. I hope when they do kick in I will not feel so dead. I continue w/ my individual therapy and will ask if we can focus our time on how to deal with my grief and how to stay strong so I can work on my m. My w and I went to our 2nd marriage counseling session last night. it went well. I cried through it. It was a reminder I will never be able to see, talk to, kiss, smell, hug the ow again. I didn't feel this bad when I left my w to have an affair. I so desperately want to feel love for my w again. She is an amazing woman. Anyone who can love me through this crap is worth working on things with. I want to love my w like I use to before things went to hell. I have some tough decisions to make. I'm only 2 days post break up and nc and I am expecting a job offer soon from same company ow works. I can work out of my house and not have to see her in the office. I will have to see her at training funcions etc. on occassion. Depending on how strong I feel dictates how I feel about working for the same company. I don't want to see her, smell her, hear her. I'm broke from the counseling and divorce proceedings so I do need a job. I don't have any other options and time is running out at the current employer. My w doesn't quite have the faith I can stay strong so she is reluctant to sell our house and relocate. This morning I typed the most loving, I want you back e-amil to the ow anyone would have read. I deleted it before I sent it. IT is a struggle.