How long do you keep trying fake it til you make it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
How long do you keep trying fake it til you make it?
3
Wed, 09-05-2012 - 12:09pm

For those of you that know me...I am mainly now a lurker since my H discovered me and A on this board a mere 5 days after I became a member.  Therefore I had a d-day!  It was awful and to me the most awful thing about it is that I got caught. I wish today I never got caught because Im missing him terribly.  However I am at a point where I think H is not watching me as much anymore and I will start posting again.  I see so many of us in the same boat and while it helps it certainy sucks for all of us.

I am trying to work on my Marriage...2 months ago...I was probally 25% working...just doing it for the sake of saying at the end of the day I tried....then I decided to give it a go.....but its hard when I still love XAP with everything and the days of missing him are still so strong its hard to focus on anything else. I will have some good positive days and then I sink back into that deep hole and I feel like I should end my M just so I can move on from everything! 

I am terrible with NC....I cant seem to go longer than 1 week....thats seems to be my threshold.  And I hate that I do it.  We dont really say much and yet I want to say so much to him but I dont...but I want to ask him if he still cares for me  because if he doesnt then it means I am a total fool as I still love him. Why are woman the ones that always seems to get so wrapped up into it all!

Its just hard! Plain and simple. I think its been 4 bloody months and I still can sit here today and sob because I miss him so much.  How can he not miss me?  I know what difference would it make right??? Im just lost in this A hole and I so wish I could just get up from bed and know it was all a dream and go on with my life.

So I just decided to post on here to see if it helps with the healing as keeping it inside doesnt seem to be helping. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2001

Hi Lily,

I wanted to tell you I can totally relate to the how long thing and that it has been 13 months over but only 2 weeks of no contact ( or something like that, I forget). So yeah, some of us are weaker than others, some of us take forever to get that he/she is not our true love, soulmate, one and only, blah blah blah, so yeah. It takes time. And tears. And pain (I hate emotional pain). But, eventually you will find yourself realizing that contact is not giving you what you want or need and it's at that point, for me anyway that I realized I had the power to cut contact.

I am terrible with NC....I cant seem to go longer than 1 week....thats seems to be my threshold.  And I hate that I do it.  We dont really say much and yet I want to say so much to him but I dont...but I want to ask him if he still cares for me  because if he doesnt then it means I am a total fool as I still love him. Why are woman the ones that always seems to get so wrapped up into it all!

You do have that power also but maybe you still get something out of it. We settled for crumbs during the A from our XAP's so any contact that is just a crumb is fine now too. A boost for the ego. A beginning of another fantasyland story. Whatever he does for you it is working but there will come a day when it just stops working and you will then stop contact. In my opinion anyway, which is what I kind of find (mostly) on this board but that's another story.

We were/are fools, all of us, xap's and us, and male and female both have the same difficult time letting go. Think about when you were a child and an adult said you couldn't do or have something. All of a sudden that act or object was the only thing you could focus on, it's the same for an unavailable lover. The harder it is to get something the better that prize becomes. Does he care for you, who knows, and if he still does love you what good is that for you anyway? Love affairs are harder to get out of but if you are here and still married and want to stay married needing to know how he feels about you is just as important as the color of the ocean. Will it really change anything?  I hope you start to heal, you seem like a great gal. Good luck and I hope you keep posting.

Take care,

Fran

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012

HI Fran,

So if you have been 13 months over and just over 2 weeks nc..just wondering if it was you that always made contact? Or was it both of you?  And if it was you did he want nc but you kept doing it anyways?  For us we both seem to do it... I will be strong..and hes not...and then he will be strong and I wont.  It is very hard.  But I really take it a day at a time  and know that each day gets better although...some days dont feel that way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2001

Hi Lily,

For the most part I think we tried to be friends again. That didn't work. Then I think he kept in contact to make sure I wasn't going to talk, that's the impression I got when we met several weeks ago. Last time he called, he left a message from his vacation saying it was so beautiful where he was so I think that was just him missing us. That's when I told him via email do not call anymore. I knew that I don't need someone playing games with my emotions and that's what he was doing.

The upside to no contact is there is more freedom in my life. I no longer worry if, when, how he's going to call, email, text, whatever. There is a lot of pressure off, I don't have to worry where my phone is or if I am going to miss the call. It's a more relaxing life. Anyway, I have enough problems in my marriage without another failed relationship to worry about so that keeps me focused.

DH cheated twice and I still have trust issues. Mostly because I did it for so long and realize just how easy it is to do. And DH does not communicate. I think we are headed for divorce and the A was an exit strategy that didn't work on my part. I secretly hoped I would get caught but the second I had the idea that H would suspect something I would get into a horrible panic and realize no no no that is not what I would want to do to him, what he did to me. It's too painful, it's devastating to find out. I know. I lived through it, 3 times, twice when he was doing it and denying it, and the last time when I had physical proof and he admitted it.

Sorry, I lost track of the reason to answer your question but I guess I needed to vent. Hope you are doing OK today. Keep in touch.

Fran