SO much time that it depresses me just to think about it. You're right- those hours in the day when we just hung around waiting are now ours to reclaim. The problem is that it takes time to get out of the waiting habit even when there is no longer anyone to wait for. What made us so obsessed about waiting around when AP seemed to be able to get on with his life and his work? The fact that we cannot compartmentalise? That deception does
I used to waste so many minutes, hours, days...thinking about the next time I could be with my fantasy man and wondering if he was going to call or text. I feel that freedom now - free from the constant lying about my whereabouts. Free from the wasted time spent with the "hollow man", leaving me void of dignity and full of shame. Free of being concerned for him, for all that he complained about in his life. As if I was going to fix that for him. Free of the fog, that thick shroud that prevented me from seeing all that I should be thankful for in my RL. Free. Free to be me, the me I should respect and care for and not allow anyone to trample me or use me up like trash and throw me into the garbage heap. Yes, it feels good to be free. Healing hurts, but knowing that freedom is relief.
And in my clearer moments I find that I am thankful for my inability
to manage a double life, because it means I still have fragments of
integrity to piece together."
browndress, I like what you said. So often we think we have hit bottom when we realize how destructive our behavior was. We gave up and risked so much. I had to dig down deep and find my last shreds of dignity and integrity in the last days of my affair. I knew if I could just get past the painful ending once again I'd find the woman I knew I was.
Great post- and so so true. I used to spend hours waiting for him to IM, return an email, find time to see me. It was pathetic. I realized almost immediately upon ending my affair just how much time I had wasted. I wasn't getting work done. I wasn't doing anything at home to take care of my family. It was like I was on autopilot- just a ghost for well over a year. Now, 8 months out, real life is so much better. As you said, we are free. We are no longer tied to our phone or computers. We can eat dinner, watch tv and spend time with family without that gnawing sensation that you could be getting a message from xap. It is liberating.
SO much time that it depresses me just to think about it. You're right- those hours in the day when we just hung around waiting are now ours to reclaim. The problem is that it takes time to get out of the waiting habit even when there is no longer anyone to wait for. What made us so obsessed about waiting around when AP seemed to be able to get on with his life and his work? The fact that we cannot compartmentalise? That deception does
And in my clearer moments I find that I am thankful for my inability to manage a double life, because it means I still have fragments of integrity to piece together."
browndress, I like what you said. So often we think we have hit bottom when we realize how destructive our behavior was. We gave up and risked so much. I had to dig down deep and find my last shreds of dignity and integrity in the last days of my affair. I knew if I could just get past the painful ending once again I'd find the woman I knew I was.
Great post- and so so true. I used to spend hours waiting for him to IM, return an email, find time to see me. It was pathetic. I realized almost immediately upon ending my affair just how much time I had wasted. I wasn't getting work done. I wasn't doing anything at home to take care of my family. It was like I was on autopilot- just a ghost for well over a year. Now, 8 months out, real life is so much better. As you said, we are free. We are no longer tied to our phone or computers. We can eat dinner, watch tv and spend time with family without that gnawing sensation that you could be getting a message from xap. It is liberating.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Wow good post!
I have wasted so much time thinking about him and putting things on hold just on the 'off chance' he would be free- god its so pathetic!!!!!
Great answers!
YES!!!!