how to move on without answers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
how to move on without answers!
27
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 2:47pm

that is the question! He won't return emails now... I send them off, pouring out my heart to him the way he use to do... and apparently my words/feelings/pain mean nothing to him now! :( It's killing me that he just keeps deleting the emails without so much as a "I'm sorry" or "I just can't right now" NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He knows (because I use to tell him) that ignoring me was the worst. I'd rather him come out and say "I can't see you" or "it's better this way" like he use to do... and now it's come down to NOTHING!

So... did I EVER mean anything to him? I can't imagine treating some I even USE to love like this! :( It's almost more than I can bear! :(

How can I get past needing answers!? :(

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 3:06pm

hi poster,

maybe u should not send him emails anymore, i too kept sending emails but she would not answer, i talked to her and i asked her the reason and she told me her reasons but in my heart i can tell its not the truth, maybe it is but i dont believe it for now

maybe it his way of dealing with it, i stopped sending her emails already, i know she dont read them anymore, what else can u do, try to be busy, im trying to do it and i know its hard

ttyl, im gonna go out for lunch now, its still 12 noon here in the bay area

keep on talking, its good to let it out

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 3:58pm

I feel your pain, because I was there once too. I am a repeat offender when it comes to affairs, I'm now recovering from my second. You think I would have learned and not went on to have a second A after how coldly my first XMM ended it.

It was getting near the end of the A anyway, and I had told him we couldn't see each other anymore in the context we had, but that I would love to continue chatting with him online once in awhile. That was going fine for a couple weeks, when suddenly while chatting with him, he signed off, or so I thought. I switched over to another screenname he didn't have, and saw his name on that buddy list, so I switched back thinking he just got booted off. Well, it turned out that he put me on block. Just like that, no explainations, no nothing. The conversation prior had been a bit slow, but non-eventful, so I was left there in shock wondering why he did that. Well, I broke down and had to explain my outburst to my H. It was the most painful thing I ever went through because I had no answers. From that point on, I never heard from him again. That was a cruel thing to do to someone you have claimed to love.

All I can tell you is, getting over THAT affair in the manner in which it ended was very, very difficult. Getting over my more recent A was easier because it was my decision, and he's been very friendly to me since the break-up, which makes it more tolerable.

I wish I could give you some insightful words that could ease your pain, the only thing you can do is give yourself time. Not getting answers or having the ability to say your peace makes it that much more difficult to work through. But I did, and you can too. Just takes time.

Hang in there hon, I'm here to talk to when you need me.
Hugs,
Pup

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 6:07pm

New poster,

Welcome to this board, I'm sorry it's under such circumstances. But, I can say, you are me and I was once you. I once told my xMM that I would rather he slap me in the face and tell me to f-off than ignore me.

I went through this same process many, many times. He would finally give in, we'd be back together for a month or two, or a few weeks and then he's gone. Let me save you that trouble.

If he told you it's over, or even if he didn't, assume he means it this time. If you need to write him one more note and tell him goodbye, don't pour your heart out anymore, don't tell him how much you ache for him, you're only ripping yourself apart, just say goodbye. If you can't stand to send it to him, then write it in your journal and burn the paper. Either way, your e-mails aren't doing anyone any good.

To answer your other question, he probably does care about you, but he's hurting too and he's dealing with it the best way he knows how. Just because he doesn't write back, doesn't mean he never cared for you. My xMM felt it was easier on ME if he just disappeared. I didn't get that logic, but that's what he thought.

You may never get the answers you need, but banging your head against you computer screen only makes the pain linger. I know it's hard and I'm so sorry you have to feel this!

Cyber hugs! I know it stinks now, but it does get better. Letting go is the first step.

Good luck, Shel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 10:15pm

I've been reading through posts on this board for a week now hoping to ease some of my own pain; come to some type of resolution. When I saw your post I knew that I needed to write.

I feel your pain in so many ways. My interest STOPPED speaking to me without any warning whatsoever. We had spoken a few days prior with no indication that this relationship was at it's end. It is and has been killing me. There has been no contact from her in 5 weeks. I wrote her a very heartfelt letter with no response; I had an "extinction burst" a couple of weeks ago and tried to call her at work which left me in total embarrassment; the person on the other end of the phone claimed they didn't know who I was.

My story is complicated and has so many layers, but suffice to say I am devastated and can't function at times. I totally agree with you that if there were some sort of closure it maybe easier to deal with, but NOTHING leaves me scrambling for answers.

iman, I am here for you and know what it is like to begin crying in front of family or co-workers when the wave a grief sweeps over you-I've been doing it over a month now.

(((((HUG))))
Gal-winnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:10am
I could of wrote this post, the same thing is happening to me and i feel the same way is you. Today was the worst, I didn't do anything but lie in bed all day long, i'm so upset but most of all upset because i have expected more from the A, i expected to matter, when I know he's married, and I'm married how stupid was I? But I know where you are and I feel your pain, I'm here for you as I hope your hear from em. Take care!!
M-
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:58am

so much pain, sometime we cannot function but we have to live, i know it is hard, i too go nuts, i cant function at time especially on weekends , i too seek all the answers, i know i will never find all the answers from her

we just have to live with it, im sure in time it will get better and we all can move on and begin a new chapter in our lives

take care everyone,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 7:20am
I felt the same way about about a month ago. The only thing that did get me up was my DD! All I can say is at first I did the NC for 11 days. Felt like an eternity!!! Figured he had forgotten who I was "after all that time!" It seemed like a lot but in the scheme of thing really wasnt. Then we spoke just as friends and it at least gave me peace of mind to know he didnt hate me. Thats was 2+ weeks ago. We have had a few emails and even a phoen conversation but never discussed us. I on the other hand decided i going to start livign for me..not for my H or my M and not for my MM but for me! And it has helped tremendously. I still miss MM and maybe always will but I am living a productive life. It does get easier!! Just dont think too far ahead! Take it each day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:47pm
Hi ya'll, I know the not knowing is the worst, I to went through all that even going so far as to cll him and go off for him not answering my calls, but I gave up on that, we have not spoken since last thursday.... his birthday was friday he was suppose to come over... no show...left a nasty text he got mad... have'nt talked since, and I don't care about his answers and I will NOT call or TEXT him!!! period I have gained some respect for my self. I had wrote on another post on something I had read yesterday, not going to get into it all but the just of the insert from a psychologist was let them go ( especally men) no contact 60 days, if they love and want to be with you they will be in touch, sometimes it takes them this long to realize how they feel. Mean time continuing to call ot text message or any other form of contact can sometimes just turn them off and gives them a power they should not have over you, they could even end up resenting or seeing you as pathetic and that is not attractive to anyone. Except ( i know it's hard) no answers and leave them alone giving them something to think about remember 60 days..... if it was meant to be then it will be if not you have moved on. Don't let MM or OW think less of you stand strong.
hugs to all and I know this is hard because I have been there but no more.
kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 11:44am

Hi Kat, you are exactly right in all that you say. I am back on this board after a 6 mos. absence. In the late spring last year, MM put me on NC for a couple of months. With no notice, no explanation, nothing. After about a month of NC, he did email me again and we talked a few times, then it was back to NC for another month or so. We ended up NOT SEEING each other in person from the end of March until the middle of July. That was the longest time ever!!

Now I find myself back in NC with him for a month now. Same as before, one day we are talking, the next, I never hear from him again. Nothing, no emails, no calls, just nothing at all.

I TOTALLY agree with you about not making ourselves look pathetic. They KNOW we didn't want it to end like that and STILL they do it to us!!!

I am staying strong, and I WILL NOT CONTACT HIM. If he EVER wants me again, HE can come back and do the BEGGING> But I will NEVER BEG HIM AGAIN!!

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:25pm
Hey dusty, good for you, I woke up when I read that article and I think if we ask any man the begging and calling and crying is just a big turn off. They run, we need to stay strong and only cry to a good friend or this board or even right letters we will never send, but we will gain our self respect. I will not call, he has the # and the 60 day rule I'm applying and if he comes back we will see if things have changed or will change at home, if not after 60 days I know I have come along way in my recovery.
Good luck to you and big hug,
kat

Pages