How to say no?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
How to say no?
5
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 7:23pm
Well, I am so nervous writing this I hardly know where to start. I have no one to talk to about this. I am so embarrassed and ashamed.

So here it is. I am M with a daughter just started college. I have never ever strayed, never been with anyone but DH. Until last May. A customer at our bank where I work got interested in me. We chatted, he was nice, I enjoyed it. Long story short he waited for me after work and we talked in his car for 3 hours. And then kissed. Just once. But it was like opening a flood gate. We began to email and text and agreed we could not go on (he's very M also) but then a week later he met me after work. We drove around talking for a long time, and we kissed, and then went to an empty house he owns (he buys and sells real estate) and that's where I really went way way too far.

I felt so sick I could hardly look at DH. But I could not stop thinking about MM either. We IM and text constantly. I think about how to tell him we have to stop, and never again, and the words just will not come out of my mouth. I know my manager saw us leaving the bank together last week. She hasn't said anything but it makes me feel funny and scared. And someone saw MM and me leaving one of his houses also. They had to wonder why we were in there so long.

it just seems like such a downward spiral. Like I've jumped off a cliff and even though I have all the right thoughts and intentions I can no longer act on them. Sometimes I think well, I've soiled myself and my marriage now beyond the point of return so I might as well keep on going. MM never says he loves me, never talks about a future - he says it's just sex and as long as it's really good sex and works for both of us, why stop.

But I have to stop. I have to. I can't bear the thought of DH finding out. I can't quit the bank or ask for a transfer, they just transferred me there. . . . But the worst thing is the obsessive thoughts about MM. And the ache I feel at not being with him ever again.

How do people get past this? How can I? Can anybody answer?

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:51am

There is no quick fix pill, you have to make a concerted effort to change...Easier said than done. If you really want to end things you need to end them...period. Tell him that things have to end; truthfully, you'll see just what type of guy he really is as to whether he will respect your wishes or try to keep you involved. But the first step is to tell him. Tell him the guilt is bothering you, tell him you don't feel right doing this to your husband. And then stop taking his calls, answering his IM and e-mails.


After you tell him its over then you need to change...Change your routine, your hours of work, WHO PICKS YOU UP.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:47am
Susie,

First of all you will have to be very strong if you really want to end it.

I know that because I am trying to end mine. But it's not easy, especially when

they keep asking you to be with them.

This weekend, some friends of friends were busted in their affair. They've

been outcasted from a huge group of friends. Think about that. They will never

be involved with any of these people again. They've written them completely off.

It made me think twice about what I'm doing, who would get hurt, the embarrassment, etc.

Tell yourself it's not worth it. Write your feelings down - get them out.

Why do men think they can just get away with this stuff? It seems to me that 99% of the time it is them that do the 'chasing'.

Also, the reason for obsessive thoughts (according to a book I read) is because it's a secretive relationship. If it was out in the open, you wouldn't obsess. I've finally gotten past the obsessive stage thank god. But it took years for me I am sorry to say.

Anyway, good luck. I know it's not easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:32am
"Sometimes I think well, I've soiled myself and my marriage now beyond the point of return so I might as well keep on going."

It is never too late to do the right thing!!! You have made a big mistake -- as have all of us here -- but just by coming here and admitting that you want to stop you have taken a step in the right direction. Look ahead to your future; if you continue on this path, do you like what you see??

If you really want to get out of this nightmare, you will have to draw on your own strength, which you will have to find down deep inside of yourself. And then, follow callistus's excellent advice. Take everything one day at a time. Each day you have a chance to make yourself a better person; don't waste any more time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:33pm
Thanks to all of you for answering. Its so good to know I'm not alone. . .I feel like such a freak sometimes. I always thought of myself as a good decent person. Instead I find myself all tangled up with MM on the floor of an empty house! Ugh!

Today I made my plan. I did not im or text him all day. And I parked my car behind the bank. At quitting time I did not even look out the front where he waits. I just went out the back and got in my car and came straight home and made dinner for DH.

It felt good -- but I have the ache for MM just the same. From what you girls say this takes time to go away.

Thanks for helping me stay strong. I need to ditch my cell (make up excuse for DH) and get a new one -- and try to transfer back to the main branch. Maybe he'll give up on me. I need to focus on DH. I know he's upset about how uninterested Ive been. Oh well -- if I'm not with MM any more, it should be ok.

Thanks all.

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 9:14pm

How do you get past this and end your affair?


Try imagining this scenario:


Your DH gets tipped off by your manager that something doesn't seem right about your "contact" with MM and hubby chooses to gather evidence of your deeds by hiring a private detective to follow you. Complete with surveillance cameras and time-stamped photos. And after several weeks, hubby has enough photos and then drops them in your lap. With a copy of his petition for divorce and sole custody. What do you do then?


Lest you think that adultery can't be used to argue custody issues, think again. Even in this "enlightened" age, judges tend to give some unspoken consideration to the issue of adultery as it affects your ability to be the better parent for your child. Then they find other issues in the proceedings to support their unspoken concerns.


I have a male client that followed the exact scenario I described to you. He had sole custody until the children reached 18.


It could happen to you........


Is MM really worth it? REALLY?


And your job? What about your manager's unspoken prejudices? Your next review could also be influenced and tainted without you knowing the real reason.....


Is MM really worth your job?


Do you really want to lose your friends when your husband divorces you?


Think and consider these things the next time you begin to fret over ending your affair completely......


I believe you'll find it easy to keep your resolve to keep the affair ended.