How should I do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
How should I do this?
12
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:02pm
Hi folks! I totally value your opinions and its getting to the point where I can't make a move without consulting you all first, so here's my dilemma: I have something of OMM's that's fairly valuable. Initially, I thought not to bother to return it. However, my T thinks I NEED to do it for me, that it will give me some closure. DH and I are doing great rebuilding our marriage, and he has alot of hostility about this "thing" still being in my possession. He would like me to return it. My friends and support group think I need to return it because holding on to it is like a "reservation" and may indicate some doubt about closing the last door on this A.

Me, I don't really want to return it but I also don't want to annoy DH. Its not like this "thing" is highly visible, but DH knows where it is and he has asked me a few times if I've thought about getting "rid" of it. I can't just throw the darned thing in the garbage so the only real way to get it out of my possession is to return it to OMM somehow. That brings up the logistics of HOW I get it to him. I can't see him, don't want to see him. I'd like to mail it - but do I mail it to his home? Regardless of the fact that his marriage is over, I don't think his W needs to receive a package at her home from me - even though it would obviously be addressed to OMM. Also, what do I do about a return address??? I don't want to put either my home or office address because if his W sees it, I don't want her to contact me or harass me or anything like that. I don't have a business card or work address for OMM. The best I can think of is to send it to his mother's place of business.

Which brings me to my next point: be honest, am I making much ado about nothing???? My T said I need to take this step for ME and for DH, and heck with HOW I do it. She thinks I'm creating this logistical nightmare to avoid returning it. She doesn't think I need to concern myself so much with what effect receiving this thing in the mail will have on him; there's nothing malicious about sending it to his home and I shouldn't worry about the consequences on his life.

I'm chasing my tail. Someone please help!!!!!!!!! Thanks! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:10pm
one word: ebay!

Then take a nice trip with your H with the $$$... ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:16pm
I think I remember what the "thing" is to which you are referring... ;-) I would make the effort to find his work address and send it there. OR, to his mother's business if you think that would work. But probably not to his home. My xOM returned some stuff of mine via mail to my house a few weeks after we broke up, and it really upset me because he completely disregarded the risk of my H being the one to receive it. Not that you should worry about upsetting the XOM, but you have a valid point about not wanting the W to have an excuse to contact you.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:19pm
I think I'd try to return it to his work address...Could you look up his work address on the internet or on dexonline (online phone book). Or call the main number of his work and ask for a mailing address. These are probably so simplified that you've already thought of them...but just in case.

I don't think I'd mail it to his home. Why open the can of worms with his W.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:27pm
Mo. Please be assured: I like you ALOT more than the other "Mo" in my life. When i first saw your name i thought, oh my lord. is this her? Then i had this awful thought: what if my H's xOW were posting on this board. someone posted to me yesterday: what i tangled web i have woven and it's true.

OK. About your situation. It's hard not knowing what "the thing" is--but has he asked for it? I took all my letters and poems and notes and tapes from the pyshic about xMM and put them in an envelope and mailed them to my cousin--for keeping, because i didn't want them in my house anymore and i didn't want to look at them. I know this is a bit different as this is something of his.

I guess my suggestion is: is it possible you can give "this thing" to someone to hold for you, for a while. That way, when you are feeling stronger and safer and when and if you ever have contact with him again, you can ask him what you should do with it.

Until then, though, i think i would hold onto it--in the way described above--especially since xMM isn't asking for it. I WOULD NOT send it to his home. Does his mother know about your A? Because if she doesn't, she is going to think it's strainge.

Yesterday, i was ready to take revenge on my xMM and i did some pretty stupid things i regret now. I wrote some pretty harsh emails (which thankfully, i did not send). for me, for today, my goal is to keep myself as clean as a whistle on all of this. Sending the "thing" to his house or his mother's business, therefore, feels like you might expose him and be stirring things up.

I want to be--and will be--always remembered in the most postive light by my xMM. Don't stir up something you don't need to. Bury the thing or send it away for a while, until the answer is clearer.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 1:15am
Mom,

Read your post and seldom do I reply, but hopefully I can offer a suggestion on this subject. First I know that you are a very busy attorney, so I am sure you have had to have legal docuements and other things served on people without direct contact. Try to approach this in the same manner. Place the item with someone or someplace...Bank, Storage Facility, Mail Box Express, anybody or anyone that can keep said item for whatever length of time is allowed. Make arrangements for him to be notified with certified letter (so he can never deny the opportunity for the item to be returned to him). With this notification you should include the receipt or docuement that will allow him to pick up said item and the understanding of the length of time frame to which this must occur. If he so chooses to not exercise this right then the item will be donated to Goodwill, D.A.R.E program, whatever item may have to be sold then the funds donated again whatever. Let him know this is being done as this item no longer has meaning or value to you or your family. State in this letter that he will have to sign for that You DEMAND he no longer contact you for any reason and further attempts might warrent legal action.

I am not an attorney so your probably laughing your A$# off at my stupid attempt, but hopefully this covers those bases of Notification, Cooperation (willing to return the item to him), and Finalization....Well, anyway just maybe there are a few things in here that can be a part of your solution.

Good Luck



PS. Have the letter or item delivered to him possibley by some one you use to serve papers or notification of lawsuit. They can deliver it to him at the gym, bar, AA meeting, office, parking lot, ....Yes, I do like Green Eggs and Ham...excuse me had a Dr. Seuss moment there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 7:08am
Bah, ha, ha, moeb---with your comment to green eggs and ham...good suggestions, too!

Actually, Mo, you've received a LOT of good suggestions here and I don't think that I can add any others too it--but wanted to say this....all of us here probably have one, two or a million things that exMM has either given to us, or somehow hold significance to us. Sometimes, we hold onto these items during this grieving process as a type of treasure or momento.

For me, my exMM never gave me expensive gifts---but he did send me 2 meditation tapes (one which my h threw away because he was "sick of seeing it in the car"--and no, he had no idea where I got it from) and 2 books--a book about Anger by a buddhist author and The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. I CAN'T BEAR to listen or read these items but of the pain or memories it brings back---BUT I know, in time, that pain will fade and I could use these items later on.

However, and this is the PSYCHO in me, my most "prized" possession is his work phone number he gave me when we were first met in 6/01 written on a scrap piece of paper. The first time I met him, I was "zinged" by him...can't explain it, but I left our meeting in the courtroom, still clutching this scrap piece of paper. In fact, I went home still clutching this stupid scrap paper and my h was like "What the heck is in your hand" and I was like...just a phone number of someone on the work team--my h started laughing and said "eh, he probably wants to get into your pants". LOL. Anyway, like the psycho I am, I can't bring myself to throw away that damn scrap piece of paper....it makes NO sense and has NO value. In fact, I've tried throwing it away only to dig it out of the garbage later on (ok, stop laughing at my insanity---its not nice to make fun of the disabled!!). To me, it tells me that I have not put FULL CLOSURE on this---because once I do, it will have no significance and I won't pull it out, like a serial killer does with their like prize keepsakes.

When you are really ready to put full closure on this, the pathway becomes clear and there will not be any drama to the simple fact of returning it to him. Sometimes we complicate things more then we need to.....(and, honey, I do that ALL the time :-) )

big hugs....

dharma

ps...no, not FBI...but if I told you, you would have to be eliminated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:15am
Thanks to you all for such great suggestions! And "moebnme"? I didn't laugh my a## off at all at your suggestion that I use a process server, I think its terrific! I'm soooo glad you all validated my feelings about stirring anything up for the W by delivering it to his home. My T thinks thats just me being a complicated, overthinking, people-pleaser, which I am but I still don't think I can just take this action and inflict whatever consequences on OMM and W.

I promised my T that by the time I saw her next week the "thing" would be gone. I love the idea of placing it somewhere for safekeeping (funny how I'm programmed to think like an attorney for everyone else, but when it comes to ME, I just think like an irrational teenager!!!) and giving OMM the chance to pick it up there, or giving it to someone else. That way its still safe, and DH doesn't have to look at it, and I don't have to be reminded of him.

Dharma, until you mentioned that story about the scrap of paper with OMM's phone number, I hadn't thought about all those momentos I hung onto that I never considered parting with. Is that a reservation too? I have the business card he gave me the night we met and one of his hockey jerseys. Okay, this is really sick. I wanted the hockey jersey to have his "scent," so I asked him to skate in it one night and then give it to me. Never thought about throwing THAT out. Am I supposed to???? This is getting more complicated by the minute...

Thanks and love to you all! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:31am
Mo~

"I hadn't thought about all those momentos I hung onto that I never considered parting with. Is that a reservation too?"

Honestly? Absolutely YES. When we are ready to let go, fully and completely, all those things will become meaningless to us. I just recently found some old pictures of a boyfriend of mine from high school. I kept them for so long because I "so LOVED him" way back when.....when I found them recently, I was like "what the F am I doing with these?" besides, what a LOSER he was (bah, ha, ha)

But maybe momentos will act as a 'reminder' of WHY affairs are NEVER the route to go...who knows.

jmho

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 1:01pm
I have absolutely not reminders of my affair...we carefully never gave each other anything. This didn't even occur to me until we were ending it and I was reading about gathering up momentos and packing them away to help with the healing process. It kind of made me sad that I didn't have anything that I needed to agonize over getting rid of. The "mementos" were all the memories in my head. The most I had to do was delete old e-mails that he'd sent me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:03pm

OK, out of lurkdom for this one.....Mementos!! I wouldn't let xmm

Sea

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