How to stop obsessing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
How to stop obsessing?
3
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 7:06pm

In short, I'm looking for advice on how to not obsess...I think that will be harder than the NC thing.

Background: 3 year A with MM. in April he promised to leave her to marry me. in May or so he asked for more time... sept 1. Yestrday, After I found out they were going out, I pushed, and asked if he was still on for Sept 1 and he said no. he said he can't leave his kid... it'd be too hard. he's willing to be in a crappy marraige for a while to stay with the kid. he said he's scared of starting his life over. he says he wants to be with me but can't give me a timeframe. i said i can't do that.

I'd told him before that if we ended we couldnt' be friends or barely coworkers and definately not him around my kid... he says he hesitated to tell me his fears b/c he didn't want to lose all that. i said he asked me last april to trust him completely and give him my whole heart and i did both and now he's going back on his word. he got defensive. i told him i understood missing your kid but using him as an excuse is a cop out and he's teaching him that marraige should be miserable. so i said i don't know if or when we can ever be friends... and and i hung up.

He contacted me a couple times yesterday(for work) and then stopped by my office and said he wanted me to understand that he was picking a BAD marriage for his kid. I said it still wasn't with ME....that this morning I had a future with him and by lunch I have nothing. He said he'd give me space but he hoped we could be friends b/c i'm his best friend and we suck 'this way'...I just shrugged and he left.

Today was hard... he texted again and when I didn't answer I got a "fine. message received. goodbye." I was DYING to contact him. Later I ended up agreeing to a meeting a coworker set up with him and 3 others late in the day that didn't REALLY need to happen. I maintained complete professionalism and didn't joke around at all with him (like I would have in the past). It was good. I didn't feel antsy anymore but didn't feel like I talked to HIM.

I talked to a friend and am trying to forget about what I've LOST... and concentrate on what I'll gain... a life free from lies and stress. (I've been lurking here... clearly.)

I will be out of town and won't see him for 10 days... NC should be easy (unless he stops by tomorrow, or contacts me, which i doubt). I just have to get through the next time there's contact, especially if he wants to talk about US. And...more likely... I have to not obsess if I DON'T hear from him that means he's having wild s*x and fallen madly back in love with her. How do you stop the squirrels?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 7:28pm

Konline,
And if he comes to you tomorrow, having left her, then what? Game on? EAS is good for ending affairs, and healing - learning to stop obsessing is certainly part of that -- BUT, nothing we will say can do you any good or will make any sense to you if you're here in a 'holding pattern' of sorts.

Do you want this A to be over for good? You have to want it to be over, or at least, want to want it to be over, in order for our methods and advice to resonate and be effective.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 7:51pm

Hi K


Thanks for sharing your story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 9:46am

I think you must first realize that the wild s*x you gave him can't sustain a long term relationship. Obviously his W is giving him more than wild s*x. I will never understand why so many women think that they can keep a man by being great in the sack. He says it's about his kid but believe me, he is choosing his W because there was never any competition between you and her in the first place. You allowed him to string you along and I am willing to bet that he never intended on leaving his M. You were giving him everything I am willing to bet and he was taking it all and enjoying it. He's a liar who cheats on his W. She is his W, a living and breathing person just like you who has made vows to her H. He isn't choosing her, he chose her when he M her. Do you really want to be his fill-in girl who gives him great s*x while his W enjoys all the benefits of being the woman he isn't hiding? I think not.


Stop waiting in the shadows for him to make a decision about you and choose your own destiny.