Hows? And What-ifs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Hows? And What-ifs?
11
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 4:20pm

Hi Everyone,


I have been reading these boards for about a week now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 4:32pm

Pinky,

The first thing you have to do to end your affair is decide to end your affair! ;)

Without knowing many details of your situation it's hard to make a blanket statement about how to end it, but (generally) a long-term and very involved A would require a break up that is respectful of the other person's feelings. Disappearing off the planet would be cruel, no? However, if he's been a psycho killer for the past six months, all my advice is very different. See? we need more details.

As far as your M is concerned, I think the general consensus here is that you should end your A first, then give yourself ample time to sort out your own issues and achieve a semblance of peace and clarity before making any decisions as weighty as ending your M and dissolving your family unit. Another generally accepted theory here on EAS is that one's thinking and judgment is _severely_ impaired during the A, and immediately afterward.

I hope that you will lurk and read here A LOT and join the board very soon so that we can help and support you through this.

Best to you,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 5:05pm

Hi Pinky -

The How's and Why's and What if's - this board is as close to an instruction manual as you're going to get. :) It's good that you are reading here already. As Dee said, you have to decide to end it. It doesn't have to be complicated - and believe me, the long sit-down conversation isn't necessary, and will probably end with the two of you having s*x. I've done that a few times. My A was long term too. And we planned to marry also. I tried just disappearing and it didn't work. How you do it is up to you and the circumstance of your situation, the important thing is that he hears from you that it's over and to not contact you. I'm single, and yes I did end my M and my A. For me, I'm glad I did. But I agree with Dee, and I'm sure everyone here will tell you not to make any decisions about your M now. You need to clear the A-fog out of your head and let yourself do some clear thinking.

Bodhi




Edited 8/17/2010 5:12 pm ET by bodhi2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 7:04pm

Hi Pinky


You can

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 10:53pm

Hi Pinky . . .

I haven't been on the board for a while, but I've been reading a few posts the past few days and yours sounds similar to my situation.

One, my A was long-term . . . about 3 years. And how you end it depends on your situation--but you have to TRULY want to end it. Some just walk and block. Some send a quick email. I would never recommend a face-to-face conversation, personally. That's just too hard and too prone to ending up in each other's arms, the emotions are thick, the good-byes dramatic, etc. If you believe your AP would be highly persistent at trying to contact you if you just ended all communication without telling him why, then I would go with sending him a short message. Once you choose NC, it's harder if your XAP is constantly trying to contact YOU and get you to respond--I think so, anyway.

And I am single now, and my marriage did end during my A. I know most people would never recommend that, but, I knew that my A was an "exit A." I was checked out of my M before XAP entered the picture. In fact, I think I used him in a way to pull me out of a bad M because I made sure to tell my H about him, right from the beginning. I had been telling my H for several months that I was very unhappy and did not want to be married any more PRIOR to my XAP. When XAP and I got involved, that's when my H and I separated. I handled my A way differently than most people, I'm sure, because I talked to my H about it often and he actually helped through some really painful times in it. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true--and my xH and I are still good friends today.

But I would agree with the other posters that if you have any doubts AT ALL about your M, it's best to make decisions after you've ended your A and then some.

If you want to email me more about your situation, I would be happy to chat with you! And please know that however you decide to end your A, its the BEST decision, regardless of whether your M lasts or not. There is NOTHING good that can come out of an A. Nothing.

-Juliette

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 7:43am

Your situation sounds like my own.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 1:09pm

Wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 5:20am

Hi Pinky


Well that was a war and peace novel, i hope it was cathartic writing it out, i could relate to many parts of your story, some good, some bad. Every poster here has had their heart broken in some way shape or form and you are certainly no exception. It seems to me the longer we drag out an A

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 9:48am

Thanks for your words of encouragement....and you are correct, I am living back in the house with H but it's a mess as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 2:20pm

Hello pinky318.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 5:12pm

I see this was written a couple of days ago. So I may be late with my advice. I just hope you didn't cut contact and not give him an explanation. That was done to me and I feel it is beyond cruel. I think he at least deserves a goodbye.

I am also in the same situation trying to decide whether to end my marriage. My h has been sleeping downstairs for months. And I do not love him. He has also betrayed me in many ways. It is hard.

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