How's everyone doing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
How's everyone doing
64
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 4:55pm

Post in and let us know.  If you're feeling good, share that with us...and what are some of the things/actions taken that helped you get to this point.  

If you're not feeling so good, let us know why and where you might be feeling stuck.

Clarity

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 8:44pm
I am in a blah phase. Missed you. I have tried dating lately n I an trusting my judgment. Have no problem being honest and am upfront if there is no vibe. A guy pulled out a coupon from scout mob. A coupon on a date? Is that a no no? What do you think?
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2001
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 9:09pm

Hello Clarity,

Still no contact w/xap which is good, very very good for me. No more checking the phone for a text or missed call, no more worrying about where we are going to see each other or what I am going to wear, no more thinking about his life, what he's doing or where he's going. Great big wonderful void. All good and not nearly as difficult as I thought it was going to be.

My H on the other hand is f'd up as they come. I didn't look at my marriage during the A and now that I don't have that distraction I am faced with a very messed up relationship. Gave H two alternatives, marriage counseling or mediation and so far he refused both. Finally told him today I will make an appointment for the following week with both and whichever one he shows up to then I will know what he wants. He is so detached from this family, it was one of the biggest reasons I could spend as much time as I wanted w/ xap, H did not even notice I was gone most of the time.

So, possibly two endings for me in the same year but I think this one is going to be a lot harder and I will need outside help and support I am sure. But at least I am physically out of the A, which helps. It would not be honest if I said I didn't miss xAP, he was funny and smart and could always make me laugh. And I miss the intimacy. H and I don't sleep in the same bed, haven't for years, (his choice to sleep on the couch) so that's hard because I am still relatively young and would really like to be having sex right now. *sigh*

So thanks for reading, hope you had a good weekend. Mine sucked. However, Tuesday I will see my granddaughter which is fantastic, she's a lot of work but also just a joy to have in the house I can't wait. My grandson will be born on Tuesday another joy that I am blessed to have.

Take care,

Fran

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 9:41pm

Sorry you're in a blah phase, ((Luvin))...I hate to see my Luvin in a blah phase.

What's going on?  Is it all that dating and redemption of coupons that gotcha down...or is other stuff going on?

I think whipping out a coupon on a first date is a big NO NO.   I would find it a total turn off and he wouldn't get a second date because I would think that impressing me was not a consideration.  Now, if it was a few dates in, that's one thing, but on a first or second date?  Does that sound harsh or unreasonable in this economy?  I mean, if he was short on dough, shouldn't he have saved up enough to be able to foot the bill without a coupon?  Or taken you somewhere that he COULD afford?  Was that the only think that bothered you on this date?  Was he a nice guy otherwise?

I wonder what others think about this.  

 

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 9:52pm

Hey Franchesca :smileyhappy:

So you are experiencing the great big wonderful void and it's all good and not nearly as difficult as you thought it would be?Excellent!  And the sense of freedom from the exhausting work it takes to keep an affair affloat....another plus.

I'm sorry things are not going so well on the marriage front.  It's good you recognize that you'll need some outside help and support.  Do you think he might surprise you and show up watching you go ahead without him?  I know, for me, if my spouse was heading off for counseling, where I knew he'd be discussing me, I'd make pretty dang sure I was there...if only to defend myself and my position...hah.  Good for you for going anyway....for yourself.

Your Tuesday sounds like fun!  I just love kids.  And a grandson on the way!  Congratulations.  You ARE blessed.  Do they live close by?  Do you get to see them often?  Does you husband enjoy being with her?  Is he excited about the upcoming birth?

Our grandkids are in Colorado...*sigh*...so far away.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 9:43am

Mornin' ((love))

That's great that JAM is not consuming your thoughts as much these days..and curses on that dream for making your heart hurt...I'm sorry.  

Good for you for not reaching out to him to share that.  He needn't know...you did enough boosting of his ego...better he believe you've moved on.

You're right, today is a new day...a new day in which you know you are doing right by yourself and loved ones.

Another (((hug))) to carry you through the day.

Clarity

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 2:41pm

Hey Raining

Yeh, that's one tough predicament you've got going there...I'm sorry.

You mentioned that you wish all the memories would leave your head.  What kind of memories are dancing around that head of yours?  I ask that, because if we are holding on to the misguided notion that they were 'fond' memories, then we are going to miss our xaffair partner.  If we see our memories as stolen moments from our family, moments where we lied and betrayed our family and colluded with someone to do the same, then I would think 'what's to miss' really...except that everyone was lucky to have missed the bullet and the horrible fallout from a Discovery Day and it's ripple effect.

And is there a chance he could contact you?  Have you not blocked all avenues of contact?

((hugs))

Clarity 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 3:59pm

And no running with scissors! :smileyvery-happy:

Please do your best to shine the harsh light of reality upon them and see them for what they really were...glaring acts of disrespect.  I know once you do that, things are going to change...you'll not see one of those moments as something to smile about.

It's hard to do...we understand...because no one looks pretty under those harsh lights...no one.  

Isn't that something...a talk in Church about affairs.

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 4:07pm

I feel like I'm in a really weird place right now. I miss xAP. I would be lying if I said I didn't. But I have no desire to contact him. Not really.  I feel like I have been  bullied for a long time and am just becoming safe again. (and he never bullied me, really.)

I feel like I am staying clear of a school-yard bully..emotionally speaking. Maybe it was realizing how many games and control stuff was going on throughout A. Maybe it's plateauing (pretending that's a word) on this rollercoaster ride. 

It's like I'm staying home. Seeking refuge and healing..and giving myself time to do that. Which is really weird. Because before A and during? I felt like I was suffocating at home..and during A? I felt like I was emotionally safe with xAP. It was the first time I can remember feeling that way for  a long time...maybe ever. 

So this feeling of recovering in a safety zone from an emotional bully? Sort-of catching me by surprise.

But it's okay. I'm spening a lot of time coloring (in case Kim is reading) mandalas, sitting in silence ..cutting out a lot of the white noise in my life...and slowly growing deeper in my faith. 

Mostly though..this feeling of being safe from a bully? keeps me from reaching out. I miss him..but when I think of reopening contact..I think..no way..not safe. 

I think I am really working on protecting my heart. I'm starting to realize how precious it is to have an open heart . And I want to protect my heart.... If that makes any sense. I can't be reckless with other people's hearts, or let anyone else be reckless with mine anymore.

Thanks for asking, Clarity.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 4:30pm

Hi Clarity! Thanks for asking :smileywink:

On the whole I have been feeling good about myself and my decisions.  xAP is like background music at the shopping mall and doesn't affect me, my thoughts or my decisions.  Lately I feel so-so about an event that happened and wonder if I went too far in respecting myself and having my children respected.   :smileysad:

 *I* or is it my DD? *ruined* my parents 50th wedding anniversary.  :smileysad:  I walked out after my drunk brother swore at and berated my DD.  My mum wanted to take some pics with her grandkids after dinner and I know she was deeply hurt by what happened.  I just don't want to live as the one who must always be brought down a notch and humiliated to make everybody else happy. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 4:50pm
Happy, I can totally relate.to that shiz of always being the one who has to 'make nice'. Not happening any more. My parents usually come to visit in October and I haven't heard a peep. Maybe (I can dream right?), they will stay home this year. Or maybe they are.coming, staying with my sister and I juat have not heard about it (which would be fine by me).
Hugs chica!

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