HUGE MISTAKE???
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| Fri, 10-29-2004 - 3:29pm |
I went to Starbucks to get my usual coffee, and I started thinking about xOM and how we would never meet there again, never stand outside and kiss for what seemed like forever, never...I could go on and on...
Anyway, so on a snap judgement call, I ordered his favorite coffee and went to his office. I knew he was the only one there today, so I called him and told him to go out front. At first he sounded irritated and I thought, "Oh boy - this was a huge mistake", but then when he opened the door, he had this big smile on his face. He gave me a hug and said how sweet it was of me to come see him. We hung out and talked for about half an hour. He kept teasing me about how good the sex was when we were together. He kept saying, "I know you want to kiss me right now". He told me how good I looked today - Then he smacked me on the butt and said, "I know you like it when I do that". He finally said he had to get back to work and finish cleaning out his office. I said I just wanted to say good-bye becasue we would probably never see each other again. He said we would and that he was coming to my show next weekend. Then he said, "There are always those 2am meetings!"
I got in my car to leave and started to cry. Why are my emotions still involved so much and he just seems to be fine? It seems like he would like to continue a relationship as long as it is just a sexual one. How can you love someone and then just turn your emotions off, but still want to sleep with them?? Please help me understand...
Diva

This is really not about him anymore, it is about you RECOVERING and you just put yourself back to square one round ten for more PAIN!!!!
You have to take care of yourself and protect yourself from more pain because it goes on and on for so long. Contact prolongs it even longer.
STAY AWAY
PROTECT YOURSELF
I can't imagine why you'd want to START NC all over again. Did you forget how hard those first few days, weeks are on the emotional scale?
I understand not wanting to "really" let go, or having that one more moment. I wish everyday I could talk to my xMM again. He has the best smile. I would like to see it one more time.
But, the pain is too much sometimes. I know if I saw him, it would rip me open. It sounds like that one last moment is ripping you up.
I agree that you need to start protecting yourself. One slip and down the hall we fall!
The drama of it all was never an attraction for me so I can only suppose if there's not enough drama in your real life some of us would be willing to go to pretty extreme measures to achieve it.
Why was it you wanted to end your affair again?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Even if these OM have love for us - they really are not going to show it.
Whats makes me feel sick is: think about anyone that you no longer wanted to be with, someone who still wanted you and cried or kept calling..etc...how did you feel about that person? You just wanted them to go away huh! Or you felt bad about hurting them and that made you not want to be around them either........
Oh boy - my phone is ringing.......and guess who.
please read my post and let me know what you think...
Posie - in answer to your question, I did not end the A - he did. He is single and said he couldn't understand how I could be in love w/ 2 people at the same time. He said he was tired of going home alone, while I went home to my H, tired of having to lie whenever someone asked if he was dating someone. On top of all that, he was concerned because we are not the same religion and concerned that if I did leave my H for him my friends would never accept him (taking me away from someone as 'well-liked' as my H) and that our families would always disapprove of how we "started" our relationship. He was hurt very deeply by his first girlfriend and says he never wants to go through that pain again. He would rather shut his emotions off than take that risk.
What's so hard for me to understand is that he told me I was the first person he ever said I love you to. He said he never could see himself getting married before until he met me. I know some of his circle, and know that this is in fact the truth (he wasn't just trying to 'nail me'). Now, he tells me he's not in love with me, doesn't have feelings for me, just wants to be 'friends' and just wants to be able to sleep with me! Yes, the sex was great, but there is no way I could just be his bed buddy - there were too many strong emotions involved. So how is it that he can? I don't know why I'm not strong enough to say, F*%k you!
Diva
I was weak in answering the phone - but I was strong and kind in my verse with my OM.
You are going to make it - and be so happy. Time will heal, sounds stupid, but its true.
Anna
I know you didn't take the steps to initially end the affair, but you realize that it needed to end.
Take a look at the Full Moon post today. This part is especially poignent for me today.
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Take a few minutes today to reflect on "WHY" you decided to end your affair in the first place. My guess it was because of one of the following: Feeling used, being lied to, feeling rejected, false promises, guilt, betrayal, disrespected, shall I go on? Your wounded spirit was crying out to you that something needs to STOP and so you acted upon it. THIS was a good choice, counterattacking the terrible one. It's only understandable that an inner battle ensued, with all of the pain and agony of war, but hey, "No pain, no gain, eh?" You need to decide just how important freedom rings in your life. No one can do it for you.
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I didn't ask you who ended it, I asked you why you wanted to end it. It's an important question and even if you do not wish to share your answer here, it's one you should carefully consider.
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Why not spend some time figuring that one out, too, rather than wasting time & energy playing phone/TM/EM/IM tag with someone who states outright and with honesty that he considers you worthy of nothing more than F-Buddy status? Sometimes they do actually say exactly what they mean regardless of whether or not that's what we want to believe.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie