Huge setback. HUGE :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011
Huge setback. HUGE :(
17
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 3:36pm

It had been nearly 11 weeks after my 4 year A ended. I was doing ok!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 5:10pm
Oh my sweetheart. The others will chime in soon with the insightful questions but I will just start with a hug first. Good you came here - you wil read tome and time again how much harder it is the subsequent times after a fall. Pick yourself up and stregthen your resolve - you can do this. We all understand the pull - I have skirted this week very close with the boundaries of LC (xAP instigated thru work emails) and has stirred up the pull again. Am fighting it too - BUT remember why you are doing this, refocus on you and what is missing for you to feel the need for his validation. What was happening for you that you caved? Stay strong - stay close - accept the vets love that wil come. Us newbies and resented are not out of the woods - trust those who are far down the line and keep going.

Much love

theyellowone xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 5:11pm
Meant Newbies and tweeners!!

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 5:28pm

My suggestion is to start journaling right away. Put it in a place no one will find it and pour your heat out about him. Write poetry. Another thing I think is helpful is to look at some romantic poetry. No kidding, really!! Because what you have here is a failed romance. It's not going to work, it can't work. It's an AFFAIR! ItSo this is a love and

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2010
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 5:34pm
(((Hugs)))

Take a deep breath and know that you can start over right now..

I'm actually glad to see your post.. I'm only on Day 7 and was feeling pretty good about that almost cocky you might say.. Your post brought me back down to reality.. Because NO I'm not out of the woods yet and may not be for a very long time..
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 5:50pm

BFN-

Yes, this is a huge setback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2011
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 5:53pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 6:07pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 7:25pm
i wish i had read your words 12 months ago.... in my A we had 2-3 endings each time XAP wanted to stay in contact, i knew it wasnt the right hing to do and so ...each time he made the new moves to rekindle and each time i gladly accepted his advances.... stupid stupid stupid with hindsight there were soo many red flags

Result? : more hurt, more humiliation and ultimately thru his carelessness a HUGE Dday for him in July and then for me in OCT.. 3 months post final ending....
KNOW being friends cant happen,
KNOW a little txt leads to more and more it is addictive.it happens nearly every time
KNOW every comunnication is a potential bomb....
i KNOW i was strong in the end in maintaining NC but i also know i would have caved in an instant if XAP had come knockng again...thank god he finally learned

Please understand the wisdom in your post and stick with 11 weeks after 4 years would have been HUGE.... learn from your hard lesson jump back on the EAS wagon and make it stick for YOU ...be the strong one...you can do it
NC x

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 7:45pm
Aw BFN, I'm sorry that you ended up in this pit. You remember the story don't you -
scenario 1 - you walk down the street and fall in a hole.
scenario 2 - you walk down the street and try as you might to avoid the hole, you still fall in.
scenario 3 - you walk down the same street and try jumping with your eyes closed but still fall in the hole.
scenario 4 - try a different street.

This is why NC is so crucial in ending for real. There is no such thing as friendship after an affair. I compared it once before to making a milkshake - you start with vanilla and start mixing in stuff - and while you can take out the big chunks - it can never go all the way back to vanilla.

You are here - you've taken responsibility, block and walk. Give both of you a gift in closing the door and trying a new street. Breathe in and out. Try figuring out what it was you were seeking - applause? Approval? Validation? what did you want from it? to be rescued? journaling is a HUGE help in regards to working through things, venting, having your say - getting it out. do this for you.

Much love,
Lolly
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 11:42pm
BFN,

I have been in your position, and know what you are going through. I was only a few weeks out last year when I allowed myself to get sucked back into my A. I knew I didn't want to be there, but one contact lead to another, which lead to another year of pain and suffering. I'm coming up on 6 weeks NC this time, but I still carry around a LOT of cr@p from the past year. it's that which gives me resolve never, ever to return.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll confess that the past year had its "good" moments, but you know what they were; the heady, delusional, false highs of the A. As we all know, no accumulation of those moments replace the loss of our self-respect, dignity and integrity. And yet, as low as I felt, it took me another year to get here. Endings can seem impossibly hard at times; but we all knew that already.

I applaud your honesty and willingness to post your story here. As we know this board advocates NC as the primary (only) sure-fire means to end the destruction of the A. I learned my lesson the hard way; thinking that I could get through one last meeting to bring "closure" to it; I was never so wrong. If you really want this A to end, I hope that you are able to see what actions are required, and the commitment it demands.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this again and am sending you as much positive energy as I can muster.

MPV

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