A HUGE step backward

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
A HUGE step backward
2
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 12:03pm
Crap!!! I did the stupidest thing yesterday - after 9 weeks NC I contacted him. I've had hardly any desire to, but yesterday I was thinking of him alot. He's been out of town quite a bit lately and was finally back. Anyway, I thought - maybe I should write one of those letters you don't send to just get my thoughts out so I can stop thinking of him. I started and then kept editing it down to the point where it was basically a 'Hi, its been a long time' note and in the back of my mind I was thinking 'Yes, if I were to say something to him it would be this' Then before I knew it I hit send and it was off. After that we exchanged a few emails and that's where it got really bad. One of mine was really angry, then one said I'm sorry it just really hurts still. Finally in the end I set everything on a nice neutral note and lightened it all up - said I was actually fine, but just had sad moments. His last message was very short (just Thank you for saying that) and there was no need to respond so the conversation is over.

THe thing is I feel like I came off as such an emotional basketcase. Its bad enough to have contacted him, but I'm sure I came off as an obsessive loser and the funny thing is actually I've been doing OK. I've really felt good about things ending. The conversation just brought up all these old emotions and I weirded out I guess.

How do I salvage this? I know going back to NC. I do see him around and I think I'll take this opportunity to move from ignoring him to treating him like I treat any other neighbour. It is so uncomfortable to have this hate thing between us and we did agree to stop that.

Oh goodness - how do I save face? How do I stop feeling like an idiot and get back on the horse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 2:30pm
Please don't think that I am being mean when I say this, but your post made me chuckle. Not at you, but holy cow, I could have written everything that you said.

As I've stated here before XMM and I work together and we are neighbors. Thankfully, I only work part-time so I don't have to go through this everyday. Since we ended last Sept, everyday that I had to head into work I would tell myself that I am NOT going to say something stupid or inappropriate to him. So I have this pep talk, to myself, all the way to work and I'm not at work 10 minutes, I can't help it and I say something I shouldn't. It is so frustrating. I became this irrational, psycho-chick who just couldn't let it go and keep my mouth shut. Constantly saying things I shouldn't.

So finally there is progress. I have taken some time off work to get over the rest of the issues that I'm having. Yesterday I was out for a walk and who do I run into, yes XMM. Our conversation lasted just a few minutes. We talk about stuff like, how's work going, am I missing anything important, blah, blah, blah. Then we part ways, I have said nothing stupid or irrational and he doesn't give me the look like I have completely gone off the deep end. He says, it was nice talking to you, I'll see ya around. And that was it.

I AM BACK TO BEING ME!!!!!! I am so glad.

I hope this helps you to know that many of us have been there. So pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and start all over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 3:51pm
You poor thing. Life is so unjust. Go get yourself an ice cream cone and stop to smell a flower. Try to keep smiling.