I got your back honey, come on down off that ledge and let me give you my take on it all.
XMM saw the same ugly side of myself. Ive NEVER been the whiney, insecure little girl that he and the A turned me in to. And Alice, its not you either, its what the A did to you. You will always be the same strong woman you were its just that A's take away our self esteem and we are left holding on to any thread thatwill help us cling on to our AP's.
Look at it as part of the addiction. We were forced to follow XAP around to get our "fix" and when we didnt get enough of that fix, we were left following him around begging for more. Once we purge ourselves of that addiction, we will no longer act like that.
I did things too that I never did with my DH. I drove through XMM's work parking lot, stalking him. WTF, thats not me but when he wasnt giving me my fix, I hung around the crack house waiting for my dealer.
Dont see your humiliation and regret as not letting go Alice, see it as what the A did to you and as an incentive to never go down that path again. We all did things that we are ashamed of and thats just that really ugly side of what we did but we didnt know better at the time and now we do!!!!
When you know better, you DO better!!! Youre not that person anymore Alice, you have respect and dignity because XMM isnt around to steal it anymore.
I am here standing next to GMLB urging you to step back from the ledge, take a deep breath and exhale it all away.
If only it were that easy, eh?
I did those things too - things I feel so ashamed about I can't even put them into writing. However I know from the bottom of my heart, that that wasn't 'me' but a me that I allowed myself to become - the impact of trying to live inside an unlivable arrangement. You are not that woman either. And know, like I do, that I will never be like her again. Sometimes I wake-up feeling like I choking, because I have had a bad dream - a dream where i am back in the affair and I can't scream, I can't say no, I can't say anything.
Please feel our love and care ... we are here for you. What he thinks doesn't matter. It really really doesn't.
I'm here...in line...helping to form the human chain that will pull Alice from the edge of the ledge....
First thought that came to my mind (after chuckling over the bald geeky visual) was exactly, WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?? But I do understand where you're coming from, Alice. I really do. The other posters are right on
Alice, Oh, man. I feel your pain. I was the kind of woman who took no bull, too. I was the bomb and any man who want to be with me had to be fully aware and appreciative of that or they didn't get the time of day from me. Enter AP. For the love of Gawd, I acted like an entirely different person. Which, I guess, is par for the A course because not only did I humiliate myself for him, I was in an A (for crying out loud. What? what?) An A and its mindset was, I thought, as 180 from my core self as one could get -- and I'm still grappling with all those contradictions. It's very painful.
I feel like my only chance of recovery is to just move on. Learn from this humiliating experience, learn the how and whys of it, and then grow. Pain is a wonderful motivator for change, no? Your past does NOT need to be your future, nor does it define you as a person. You made mistakes, but at your core... in the place where you are your mostest ALICE, you are NOT the person who was in that A; you are a wonderful, beautiful, caring and worthy soul - and you deserve to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself, and being loved by the people in your life who matter, is all that is important -- you won't be redeemed by gaining the 'respect' of your xAP. However, if you really want to show your real ALICE to xAP, then keep to NC - keep your dignity and grace - don't ever let him see you be weak again.
oh alice i can relate to so much of your post so too well...
i also have cried/begged/pleaded/more more more etc... and i hate thinking back to some of the things i have done to try to hang on to a relationship that had already died... he was always the strong one, i was always the one begging him for more, for me to keep just one foot in the door, to get the last word...
i knew what i needed to do, (go nc) i read all the posts and healing library about it...but i had a VERY hard time with actually doing that... and i DID care what he thought... so i get that too...
one of the times xmm even said to me (as i was crying and begging him to not leave me) he said "look at you~ a grown woman acting like this ~ what is this?" and even then i didn't get it... i do now...
its hard work trying to get the REAL me back... i was never so needy before..
Magenta, I loved your analogy of the scale. That's what I was going through near the end. He was all over me in the beginning and then when I started buying into it, I became the needy one and he seemed to lose interest. (And I think, like you, I am definitely the better catch!! LOL)
Yeah, what IS it about the "winning" thing? I think that is what it was about for me too, I just wish I could make sense of it to help me heal or move on. Something about the power of it, and winning him over....there's something to that for sure....but this is where I get stuck. I seem to be confident, so why the need to win him over? Just putting in my 2 cents and thoughts....
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Alice,
I got your back honey, come on down off that ledge and let me give you my take on it all.
XMM saw the same ugly side of myself. Ive NEVER been the whiney, insecure little girl that he and the A turned me in to. And Alice, its not you either, its what the A did to you. You will always be the same strong woman you were its just that A's take away our self esteem and we are left holding on to any thread thatwill help us cling on to our AP's.
Look at it as part of the addiction. We were forced to follow XAP around to get our "fix" and when we didnt get enough of that fix, we were left following him around begging for more. Once we purge ourselves of that addiction, we will no longer act like that.
I did things too that I never did with my DH. I drove through XMM's work parking lot, stalking him. WTF, thats not me but when he wasnt giving me my fix, I hung around the crack house waiting for my dealer.
Dont see your humiliation and regret as not letting go Alice, see it as what the A did to you and as an incentive to never go down that path again. We all did things that we are ashamed of and thats just that really ugly side of what we did but we didnt know better at the time and now we do!!!!
When you know better, you DO better!!! Youre not that person anymore Alice, you have respect and dignity because XMM isnt around to steal it anymore.
LOVE TO YOU!!
GMLB
Dear Alice,
I am here standing next to GMLB urging you to step back from the ledge, take a deep breath and exhale it all away.
If only it were that easy, eh?
I did those things too - things I feel so ashamed about I can't even put them into writing. However I know from the bottom of my heart, that that wasn't 'me' but a me that I allowed myself to become - the impact of trying to live inside an unlivable arrangement. You are not that woman either. And know, like I do, that I will never be like her again. Sometimes I wake-up feeling like I choking, because I have had a bad dream - a dream where i am back in the affair and I can't scream, I can't say no, I can't say anything.
Please feel our love and care ... we are here for you. What he thinks doesn't matter. It really really doesn't.
Much love,
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
I'm here...in line...helping to form the human chain that will pull Alice from the edge of the ledge....
First thought that came to my mind (after chuckling over the bald geeky visual) was exactly, WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?? But I do understand where you're coming from, Alice. I really do. The other posters are right on
Alice,
Oh, man. I feel your pain. I was the kind of woman who took no bull, too. I was the bomb and any man who want to be with me had to be fully aware and appreciative of that or they didn't get the time of day from me. Enter AP. For the love of Gawd, I acted like an entirely different person. Which, I guess, is par for the A course because not only did I humiliate myself for him, I was in an A (for crying out loud. What? what?) An A and its mindset was, I thought, as 180 from my core self as one could get -- and I'm still grappling with all those contradictions. It's very painful.
I feel like my only chance of recovery is to just move on. Learn from this humiliating experience, learn the how and whys of it, and then grow. Pain is a wonderful motivator for change, no? Your past does NOT need to be your future, nor does it define you as a person. You made mistakes, but at your core... in the place where you are your mostest ALICE, you are NOT the person who was in that A; you are a wonderful, beautiful, caring and worthy soul - and you deserve to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself, and being loved by the people in your life who matter, is all that is important -- you won't be redeemed by gaining the 'respect' of your xAP. However, if you really want to show your real ALICE to xAP, then keep to NC - keep your dignity and grace - don't ever let him see you be weak again.
Come in off the ledge, Sweetness. xoxoxox
Dee
oh alice i can relate to so much of your post so too well...
i also have cried/begged/pleaded/more more more etc... and i hate thinking back to some of the things i have done to try to hang on to a relationship that had already died... he was always the strong one, i was always the one begging him for more, for me to keep just one foot in the door, to get the last word...
i knew what i needed to do, (go nc) i read all the posts and healing library about it...but i had a VERY hard time with actually doing that... and i DID care what he thought... so i get that too...
one of the times xmm even said to me (as i was crying and begging him to not leave me) he said "look at you~ a grown woman acting like this ~ what is this?" and even then i didn't get it... i do now...
its hard work trying to get the REAL me back... i was never so needy before..
you CAN do it...
~ life....
http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/
Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't take this torture any more ~ imogen heap
happiness is a journey, not a destination ~ souza
~ life....
http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/
Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta
Alice - Sorry I was not out here yesterday to help you off the edge.
Wow Magenta, your questions could have been towards me.
"do you really want him,
Magenta and GMLB,
Ditto from me!!
Magenta, I loved your analogy of the scale. That's what I was going through near the end. He was all over me in the beginning and then when I started buying into it, I became the needy one and he seemed to lose interest. (And I think, like you, I am definitely the better catch!! LOL)
It was
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