humph! ick. arg. dammbit

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
humph! ick. arg. dammbit
7
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 4:01pm

Girlfriend, crazy about x's band, calls, "Like, OMG, Xband is on a live stream doing a sound check at X!!! squeal." (she knows I know X's band and have gotten her tix and such so she thinks I give a crap about their music (don't))

Sat for 1/2 hour remembering last time X was at this venue with the live stream and how I watched him, laughed and talked on the phone as he waved at the camera and acted stupid. Had warm fuzzies remembering and then...... BANG, tears.

Yes, I looked on the stream. Just a peek, but long enough to wish I'd decided to chew ground glass instead. I am remembering all the icky, jealous, rejected, used, cheap, stoopid feelings I had then - how I beat myself up soooo much - how I took so much sh*t from JAM that it makes me sick to remember. OY! I stirred the pot, picked the scab, whatever you want to call it -- and NOW? I get to sit here and get over it all over again. What an amazing waste of my time and energy. What a stupid way to spend this beautiful day.

I'm giving myself 20 minutes to process and regroup, then I'm moving on. F*ck this. I've got better things to do.

GRRRRR at me for being a dumbass.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 4:47pm

Oh Dee,


Its ok, hang in there. You were human. Its ok. It really does sting I bet. Ok, you put your hand on the fire.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 10:33am

Thanks, Luvin.
That had to suck having someone go on and on like that. At least you removed yourself from the situation. Good move.

I AM being hard on myself, but not TOO hard. just hard enough. I just think that I'm too old (A ending years) to be falling for this shiz. I think the "touch the stove" stuff is soooo five months ago, ya know? I let my curiosity get the better of me, for sure. And I didn't take consequences of my actions as seriously as I should have - in fact, there was like Zero forethought. I'm not invincible and I need to remember to protect myself. I feel like I let myself down, and I hate that I provided a bad example for the newbies. If anything, I hope that the take-away message to them will be that constant vigilance is the key and to not get overly cocky. Oh, and that NC means NO CYBERstalking, EVER.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 12:28pm

Look Dee, we're all human. And we can't go on being like robots and thinking we'll just get over it. Some things takes years to get used to. We all have a curiosity to see...knowing its wrong but we do it anyway.

I'm sorry but I should be familiar with your story but I'm not. Is your xAP married, single, etc? And how long has it been since NC?

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.



Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 2:44pm
Hi, Lost-
I'm M's and xAP is, too. 18 month A that was mostly drama-free, and we mutually agreed to an ending - that was in Nov, so 7 months out. My row to hoe has been so much less difficult than a lot of women posting here, so when I stumble, I am humbled... humbled that they can do it and I still futz along like a dolt.
Thanks for the words of support.
xo
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 3:47pm

chewing ground glass, stepping on the rake, looking for the clown. they don't hurt us---"they" don't have the power to do it anymore. only one person has that kind of authority. we have met the enemy, and she is US!!
cyberstalking/peeking/whatever-they're-calling-it-these-days, is THE WORST. jeez, it can set you back--don't i know. get back on your game. protect those vulnerabilities, dee.
your subject line is the best, by the way. :)

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 7:30am

Dee,


I'm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 9:41am

Dee- I know exactly how you feel. People are often telling me things about xap because we were such good friends and everyone knew that. They'd be appalled if they knew what really went on. Ugh. It does suck to have him put in your face like that. I am sorry that happened. I hope you are feeling better today. You know these moments pass.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/