Hurt and Confused
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 02-09-2005 - 7:04pm |
I'm hurt and confused and need to walk away. To make a very long story short, I have been having a relationship with a co-worker for the past three years. We have tried to end it on several occasions, but always found ourselves back together...until now. Two weeks ago I told my MM that I felt like his scratching post that he only paid attention to when he had that itch. He came to me and was very sweet and apologetic. I told him that I wasn't asking for much. I wasn't talk about a romp in the sack, just a little attention those other minutes of the day. For the first few days he was wonderful. He e-mailed me, complimented me, and made me feel special. Then something happened and I'm not sure what. He pulled away. He was very busy with work and was a little under the weather at the same time. On top of that, his 15 year anniversary is next week. Our three year "anniversary" was yesterday. He gave me the cold shoulder and everytime I tried to talk to him, I got the "I'm busy" crap. This morning I felt strong when I woke up. I told myself that he wasn't worth all of the grief. I told myself that I shouldn't be risking everything for a man that made me feel like crap most of the time. I was fine most of the day since he was out to a meeting. That changed this afternoon. I sent him a quick e-mail and didn't get any response. So I sent him another saying "Any response or is this adios M.F.?" He just e-mailed back that he had a lot of crap to do. I shot one more off to him and said, "Well, adios then." I feel sick now. Three years and I don't even get a decent response from him. One week ago, everything was fine and I was on cloud nine. Now, I'm face with walking away from him and I can't stop crying. I know this is the right thing. I know that I have a husband that loves me and I should be happy with that. The problem started because I have no sex-life with my husband and the MM gave me the attention I needed.
If my head is telling me to end it and walk away, why won't my heart listen? Why does it hurt so much? Why am I clinging to a man that keeps hurting me? And why do I feel so sick right now?
I'm torn between being hurt and mad. And I can't understand why he would go out of his way to be sweet to me just a week ago. He had his easy way out then, so why didn't he take it? Why did he suck me back in only to end up hurting me again???
I wish I was strong and I wish it wouldn't hurt like this. I wish I had never met him. Now I have to back to the office tomorrow and I don't know if I can do it.

<>
This ia a very difficult thing to achieve.
SOmetimes we know we are doing the right thing but cant find the strength to maintain it. I fear that me and many othere here keep fallign back to what the heart wants even if it isnt for the best.
So I have been out of my A for 1 month but more like 3 weeks. I can tell you you will cry. Cant tell you how many days that may happne but it will. YOu will feel ok one minute and then next you will be thinking you cant go one more minute without talking to him. The best thing you can do is try, really try to not talk to him. Many on this board will say forever. I would say as long as you can. TAKE EACH DAY AS IT COMES! Dont think too far ahead. And believe it gets better.. not miraculously.. but better.
Good luck and post whenever you need to
hi overhim2,
i know exactly how you feel, im am the male version of you, i too am having an afair with a co-worker, although only 15 months but i have known her for about 4 yrs prior to that
like u said, she breaks up the relationship but she comes back again, this time last sunday she did it and now i cant take it anymore, i think she means it when she said she wants to end our relationship/affair
for some reason my mind says its about time but myu heart says the opposite and i cannot accept it at all, we work together, i feel the pain and i keep crying when i get home, im amad also, yes she never can give me time, cant or wont even talk on the phone or answer my emails lately and wont even talk at work even for a short time, im more miserable than happy when i was with her, everytime we have time its mostly sex she wants
yes, i do feel sick right now, nauseated and i feel like not even coming to work, i called in sick the last 2 days, i came to work today and she took the day off
i dont know how i will re-act tomorrow when she comes over, i kept calling her and sending emails but she nevers answers anymore, it breaks my heart
why do i do this, actually i dont know, a friend of mine told me maybe im a masochist or someone who like to feel pain in their heart, i treated her like a princess and bend over backwards for her and she broke up with me using text on the cell phone, how cruel that is, i felt like im not even a human being that she cannot tall to me at all face to face
today i called her at home and she hanged up on me and i called back and her ex-h answered the phone so i hanged up, i felt bad, i hope she is ok and she told me that she wants to give her ex another chance, they have a 10yr old daughter together
just hang in there, keep yourself busy and stay in touch, we just help each other here and keep each other company, i too am having so much pain and despair that sometimes i dont know what to do anymore
pls take care of yourself and eat and drink some fluids and take some tylenol pm so u can sleep
max
Thank you for your reply. While I hate to hear you are going through the same kind of thing, it helps to know that I'm not alone. It is really hard because I work in a small company, only three of us in the office...and he's one of them. That's how all of this started. It was the typical cliche...spending more time with a co-worker than you do your spouce. I am torn between being hurt and mad. There are times when we are alone that he can be so wonderful. But the minute he starts to get busy and feel stressed, he pushes me aside. I actually understand that because I'm the "disposable" one. At the same time, this was supposed to be a two-way thing, not just him having a mid-life crisis (although I think it started that way...he's 42, married 15 years). Everything has been on his schedule, about him. I'm tired of being the doormat he can walk all over.
As for the Tylonal PM, already crossed my mind. I just keeping about the three years of my life that I've wasted on him. The past few months have been bad with him. We might have a few hours every couple of weeks together, but the rest of the time I felt miserable. I had to ask myself if risking everything was worth it when I was only happy a fraction of the time. And then I had to think about my husband.
Part of the problem was I had built my MM up to be some kind prince charming in my head. In my mind, he was wonderful. In reality, he was human. He was charming, but definitely not a prince. I kept telling myself that even though he never said the "l-word" he must have cared for me. Otherwise he wouldn't have kept coming to me. Right? I mean, he told me that he cared about me. I guess I was clinging on to that, wanting to believe it. I knew that it would never go anywhere. I wasn't prepared to leave my husband and he wasn't going to leave his family, especially his son. But he made me feel special when we were together. It was the other times, when we'd see each other in the hall, or whatever, and he'd put up this front, his politically correct act, and act like we were nothing. The problem was this carried over at times when we were alone. He'd go from hot to cold in a matter of minutes.
Anyway, I know this is what I need to do. I should be used to this feeling. We've tried to end it more times than I can remember. But every time it hurts a little more. And while having an affair for three years is definitely nothing to celebrate, being with someone that long and then continuing to work with them makes it very hard to let go.
hi overhim2,
my god, we have similar experience, i am just like u, i cant believe this is happening to me and to someone else out there
she would always break up the affair and then after like 2 weeks she would come back to me and i would accept her back, its like im addicted to her, i know she would not leave her ex-h ( they are living together in the same house) because of their daughter
sometimes i feel like a fool for letting her do this to me, i am emotionally attached to her, now i felt like im losing something or somebody die, its how i feel, she is not very cold to me, i know we work together and its so hard
i hate it, sometimes i hate myself , i wish i hate her but i cannot, like u i kind of build her up as someone i could be with for the rest of my life, but i am more miserable with her than happy , when we are together im happy but then when we are not then im miserable, even at work she does not want to spend time with me telling me that people might know or pick up what we are doing
i am single so its hard for me to be alone, i hate going home at nite
max
I read the other messages you posted about your relationship. We seem to have a few things in common. I'm having a hard time stopping the communication. I share an e-mail account with my MM. I would leave him messages and he would read them every morning when he gets to work. It's his little way of telling me he's thinking about me. Once in awhile he might leave one for me, but not that often. And even though he's been busy the last few weeks, I keep leaving him e-mails. Now, I've left some on his work e-mail, nothing to revealing. He didn't take the time to respond to my mail and it made me upset and left me feeling neglected. I know he's under stress, but he needs to consider my needs to. It only takes a minute to say "hello" or "I'm thinking about you" but he never took the time.
In fact while I'm sitting here watching bad TV, I'm struggling about leaving him an e-mail. Part of me wants to say "I'm sorry for being overly sensitive and let's forget I said anything." If I did that, he might come back to me when he was under less stress at work. But if I did that, I would be right back here in the same place in just a matter of time. I don't want him to hurt me anymore.
Just a few weeks ago I explained all of this to him, that I need more of the little things, and he was glad that I told him I felt that way. He said he was going to work harder at being a better person. Now I feel like I overeacted and I want to take it all back. I feel like I can't breathe at the thought of not having him in my life.
hi overhim2,
im sure u will survive without him, pls dont sell yourself short, it seems like a lot of us are trapped in some sort of cycle but it is our choice to get trapped in it, why we do it, we all have our reason, me, i felt like i found my soulmate in her, i gave her all i got and i did not even get much in return but i was willing to settle for much less, i made her fell bad and she kept on telling me i need to find someone who can spend equal time with me so she would break up for me and she would say that it would be for my own good and that she does not want to hurt her daughter by changing again
we break up and NC but i would send her emails and call her, she would not return any but she would show up in my home and its back to square one again, in the last 15 months she must have broken up/try to end the affair about 6-7 times, i got depress and was on meds, this is how much i suffered but still i kept on going, when she comes back to me i would accept her and the cycle will go on again
now im am in so much pain that my mind and heart are not in synch anymore, my heart still say i need her but my mind is giving up on her so i am in turmoil about it
im so confused right now, tomorrow i will see her at work and i have no idea what to do
i did ask her if she can spend more time with me but she said she cannot, she got her kid to deal wiht and the father if her daughter is living with then, its a weird arrangement i know, that alone should have driven me away but i stayed on and hoped that she would tell him to leave or move out or she and her daughter move out but she did not, she told me that she asked him to move out but he told her he wants to stay for their daughter, dont know if it was true or not but what can i do
im sure we will survive this crisis and it will make us stronger in the end ... i hope, i know i feel like i cant live without her too
like some of our friends in these boards would say, it is up to us to make the choice to end our affair .... it is our choice albeit hard but we have to make a choice in the end, hopefully that choice is one for ourselves, to make ourselves happy, i wish i can do what i say right now
take care
max
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>
This is going to sound harsh but...what you need to come to grips with is that SHE ENDED the AFFAIR. You are in shock. Natural reaction to have something happen that we don't have control over. THIS is what you really are experiencing. Its easier to leave than to be left. That feeling of something happening that is NOT what we want. Its harrrrrrrrrrd especially when we allow ourselves to open up our very being to someone. How could two people feel so differently when there were things shared like intimacy, caring, romance, thoughts etc.
The quicker you rip the bandaid that is covering the hurt of reality, the quicker the oxygen can help heal. Keep it hidden and covered up and it only festers more. The only choice you have now is how much time you need to protect it from bumping it harder. We all have our own timeline. Your obligation to yourself however is to be cognizant at all times that no matter how much we run it through our head...how much time are you willing to still spend on it? You will hopefully know with certainty enough is enough. Sometimes we need it to dull out. Watch your impulse to contact. Keep your dignity. I see that as your biggest weakness. Its hard. Life is hard. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry for everyone's pain. Feel the pain, don't mask it, but don't hurt yourself further. Thats pretty much all we can do healthily.
Lizzie