Hurting
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Hurting
| Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:27am |
I am desperately in love with a married man (I am married also). I want to end the affair but need the support of others who have gone through this to make it happen. I have tried several times in the past but keep going back because he really seems like my soulmate and I love him like I've never loved my husband. Anyone out there who can provide support?

You didn't say how long the affair has been going on, but I can tell you what you are feeling is normal and that the pain is real. You need to be very good to yourself right now. I'm also married and had a 2-1/2 year relationship with a married man (long distance, which made it even harder). He, too, seemed like my soulmate, but after months of not seeing him and finding that we were going "nowhere" I had to break it off. Over the weekend I spoke with him over the phone.. it all came crashing back and seems so "normal" somehow. When I got off the phone, though, nothing had really changed. And all I have heard since then is one short email.
When we met he seemed miserable and planning to leave his wife. She has mental health problems, and to this day I believe most of that was true because I know people who know her. But his deadlines for leaving kept getting pushed back & back. Finally he moved out this spring and got his own house, but I have only seen him once since he moved out. Something else is going on (???) Yet he continued to dangle the carrots and said he wanted me in his life, wanted to see me, etc., etc. But there was only one visit in the last four months. That really hurt me. So I started "No Contact" on several occasions only to regress and resume contact. But it was never really the same. His actions spoke very loudly. I also caught him lying to me on several occasions. That REALLY hurt.
He still swears he is going to "extricate" himself from his situation, get over the guilt, and then wants to see me and misses me. His words are so enticing at times. But I could be waiting a very long time... maybe to my deathbed. In the meantime my marriage is easier to tolerate. Probably because I am no longer focusing so much energy on the MM and constantly comparing my husband to him. I have started to appreciate my husband for his truthfulness and faithfulness. Those are valuable qualities to me now.
Oh, I still check my email a lot hoping to hear from my friend, and the phone seems very silent now that we aren't talking anymore. But a lot of that is ego - trying to "win" him over, and not living up to the realization that his wife is probably more important to him than I ever was. I am slowly accepting that now, and I am sure that in time I will move past this.
Please feel free to vent here, and I will check back tonight. I do understand and you are definitely not alone. But the reality is what you thought was something special will never materialize into a normal and happy relationship. The odds are stacked against it. It doesn't mean that you didn't love him - I know you did - but the universe was not going to let this happen. I pray you can slowly get your self-esteem back and get on with your life.
The journey out of this situation is like any other, one small step at a time (baby steps a first).
Read many many many post and see if you see XMM in the men discribed by the women here, see if you see your affair, right now you think is is unque, but your going to discover most affairs if not all are just very common and so are the MM that engage in them.
Post often, venting and journeling can help release and control your emotions and your responses to them.
Were possible NO CONTACT, block e-mails close IM accounts even change phone numbers what ever it takes to close the lines of communications, that is the achiles heel of women.
Good luck
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