Hurting (Long Story)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2009
Hurting (Long Story)
10
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 4:25pm

Well, it has finally my turn to share. I have been reading here for a very long time and just never knew for sure when I would be ready to spill my guts. The time has arrived. My story is no different. I had an affair with a MM and I myself am married. I have been with my husband for over 16 years, he has been with his wife for 15. We used to work together about 14 years ago at an airline. We had one night together back then, a sort of one night stand. I was engaged to my husband he was just recently married. We never saw each other again and never talked about what happened.


I never thought about him again, ever. I got married, had two girls and was living a very wonderful life with my family.


Then, Summer of 2007, I was out partying with all my friends and I ran into him. Literally, I was coming out of the bathroom and plowed right into him. Didnt recognize him at first, he knew who I was right away! We sat and talked for about an hour. Talked about our lives now and what was new with us and the usual catch up conversation. He then mentioned our one night together and how much it ment to him back then. How he never forgot about me and was always wondering what ever happened to me.


We parted ways that night with nothing more than a hug and take care. I must have given him my cell number as well, but that part is foggy. Within the week he was texting me daily, and started calling me. We would talk for hours while I was at work, he would send me love letters, poems, the most amazing emails. I was falling for him and I wasn't even sure why. I had only seen him once in 14 years. We met a few times at the coffee shop briefly, but nothing ever happened, although it was always discussed what we would like to do together.


Finally, we met during one of my daughters dance classes, I droppped her off and met him in an abandoned field. We had sex in the backseat of his truck, ugh! Just writing it down makes me sick. Anyways....this continued for the next year. Meeting in different places to have sex in the backseat of his truck. Sometimes we would go to a hotel, but nothing ever special. He said the same things they all say. I love you so much, you are my soul mate, I have never felt this way before, I want to be with you forever, blah, blah, blah.


I fell for him hard! I thought I really loved him, but a part of me still loved my husband and never thought I would be this person who was in love with two people for different reasons. Clearly very messed up.


We had a few small D days, only on my side though, never his wife ever finding any thing out. I was always the one dealing with the trauma with my husband. But the affair still continued. We have had many breakups, always initiated by me and I go NC for a while and then I cave and end up right back in the mess of it. He is always there waiting again. Saying that he just wants things to stay the same, living his life with his wife and seeing me on the side.


It has been a very hard 2 years with all the drama and hurt. But he never seems to be the one that is hurting or that he even cares about me anymore. He just always says that when I dont talk to him for a while that its a phase I am going through but that I always end up back with him. He says it didnt bother him because he just always keeps busy and doesnt really think about it.


So, now here I am. I have gone NC again. The last time I talked to him was 18 Days ago. We were supposed to spend the whole afternoon together, I had even taken the day off work to be with him. At noon I called him to see what was going on and he was too busy to get together, doing stupid errands around the house. I was angry and told him so, his answer was "well, whatever....I am busy today - I will try and call you later and maybe we can meet for a coffee."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 5:20pm

YOU GO GIRl!! You took the upper hand and made the decision for him. You are right. He wanted to keep you where he was comfy which was away. It sucks to find out how much an AP lied about their "horrible" life and living conditions. Unfortunately it is true in order to maintain the extracurricular activies.


18 days! YOU ROCK!!! Keep it up because you made the choice to live freely without being constricted to his whenever-he-can schedule. It does suck though.


"He says it didnt bother him because he just always keeps busy and doesnt really think about it." How hurtful for him to discard you in such a nonchalant way. Then again, I can't remember the book but it said in an A....Men look for playmates and Women look for soulmates. Darn genetics!!! LOL SO he kept busy while waiting till you were ready to "play".


Keep being strong girl!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 5:33pm

Hi Always, sorry you're having to deal with all this hurt, pain and anger, its rubbish isn't it? Why are they so hot with us one week and so cold the next? It hurts, a lot, may be its not intentional I don't know I've tied my brain up in knots thinking about it all I think with my xAP its just what he wants at the time, if I don't respond he'll keep trying, nothing to lose, eventually I crack right? Whereas we start to process the ending many times in my case, until, hopefully we can get to the point of no return.

Well done on 18 days NC, you're on the right path and good luck on your journey.

Roxy




Edited 11/17/2009 5:43 pm ET by roxygirl2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 7:07pm

Always,


Welcome to the board. I am

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 7:48pm
Hey thank you for posting your story. Believe it or not...it is helping me to see the light. I have been in an EA for the past year and a half and always had fantasies of having what YOU just described! I wanted to meet up with him somewhere and have sex, well, ANYWHERE!! the back of his truck sounded good. But I see your hurt and pain when these A-holes just make it like it was just for fun and we find that they really don't care!! This is how I feel about my EA right now-I would pour my heart and soul out and tell him how much I need to see him and how much I miss him and to no avail. He would play along with the flirty texts when the mood struck or when he needed his ego stroking, but then there are times, like tonite-where he just friggin ignores me!! I broke NC and texted him today-I know, I am so stupid-and have not heard back from him and it hurts me too. After everything that has been said between us, I am not sure I can look him in the eye again. He knows how I feel aboiut him and he could give a crap! Stay strong and thanks for giving it to me straight. I guess I DON'T want to screw him in his truck after hearing what he will probably do if I eventually did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 8:37pm

I hear ya on the only replying to texts when the mood strikes. Drives me batty that they do that. We are worth more and deserve more than to be merely a conveinence when they need something. I don't miss the waiting for the reply and if not getting one sending another and another. It is embarassing now looking back on that. How desperate when it wasn't desperation in my mind at the time.


Hang in there the hurt will pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2009
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 10:45pm

(((HUGS)))


wow..THAT stings! My A had a series of a few D Days as well...and after one my xap took his W to maui for 10 days :(

"Women can fake orgasms but men can fake entire relationships" -Sharon Stone
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 4:42am

Hi there,

You wrote: "He just always says that when I dont talk to him for a while that its a phase I am going through but that I always end up back with him. He says it didnt bother him because he just always keeps busy and doesnt really think about it."

Keep that in mind! It's so good of you that you are in NC with this arrogant person.

You can do this

hugs
htgo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 11:54pm

Much as it hurts, you have to realize that you were filling missing gaps for each other. He didn't not love his wife anymore, he just found what he missed when their relationship faltered, in you, and you did the same.

Freedom is found in letting go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2009
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 8:51am

Hi,


I wanted to thank you for your post to my story and tell you that I am still NC. It is now day 21 - the longest I have ever gone without talking to him, seeing him, anything. I also wanted to say how lucky I think you are in some ways. The fact that you never had sex with you ap is really the best thing ever! Once we seem to make that step towards intimacy we can never look back. I fell more in love with him after each time we were together, I felt more connected to him while we were in the throws of passion, blah, blah, blah.


The problem now is that I

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2009
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 6:52pm

Dear Always,


I know how you feel about wanting the hurt and anger to just go away.