hurtpup

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
hurtpup
4
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:45am

hurtpup,

i have been following your posts and i know your story is much like mine.

so i have a few questions in search of wisdom...hope you dont mind.

were you able to rebuild your life with your H?

do you still contact OM?

i replied to your last post also....

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: upsidedown4him
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 11:11am

Hi upsidedown, I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling.

<>

I'm doing my best. Me and H get along very well when it comes to everyday things. I still feel no passion towards him and sex is far and few between. Seems as if he's not as interested either in it as he once was. There is little we enjoy watching together on tv, so we don't really spend a whole lot of time at night together. When we are together, he talks about things that I just don't have any interest in, so it's an effort to stay focused on the conversation. When we go out together, we have a very nice time in each others company, but otherwise, it's a very dull existance sometimes. So I guess the answer to that question is, I'm still going thru the motions, although at least my focus is more on H than on XMM.

<>

Funny you should ask this today, because I got an email from him, which was directed to me AND H, asking us to do something with them next weekend. He has tickets somewhere and stated in the email that they (him and his W) really want to spend time with us (it's been 2 months since we saw them), and on top of it, the tickets are on them. So, obviously, being it was a email for the two of us, I had to share it with H. And he wants to go. There is no good reason I can say no to this. XMM directed this email in a way that I had no choice but to tell my H. I knew H would want to go because it's been so long since we saw them. I don't want to disappoint his W either, I genuinely like her (although some would say how could I with what I was doing to her), but I really DO like her.

Before that email, we did chat online briefly yesterday. I wish I saved the conversation because it was very interesting. His words still sounded like he hasn't let go of hope. He at least still wants our IM chats, emails, and contact between the four of us like we used to. He really doesn't want to accept never seeing me again. I believe he can accept that the A is over, as in no private meetings and definately no sex. I told him I don't think I could look at him without the pain and anger showing in my face. I want so much for that "indifference" that I've been hearing so much about.

So as you can see, I really created a tightly weaved web here. And I know from following your posts as well, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I CAN see him without it bothering me, when we are in a large group and not left alone for even a second. Because if we are, he looks at me "that way" and I'm a freakin mess from there on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
In reply to: upsidedown4him
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 11:31am

hurtpup,

thanks for your reply.

thinks with DH are the same as yours. we get along great socially. he is a great father and friend but i am not sexually attracted to him. he does want sex and for me that is the hardest trying to pretend.

i stay because of the kids. do you have kids?

i've taken up additional shopping and remodeling but that makes my day go by but doesnt make me happy.

i was happy with OM. when i see him socially we talk and we get along great.

funny yes his wife is very nice and we get along great.

i have tried to avoid them though because i do miss him and seeing him makes me sad.

keep in touch with me...venting helps me

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: upsidedown4him
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 12:56pm
hurt,
What a yucky situation you are in. I really feel for you. I cannot imagine if I was in your shoes. I am totally against the finger pointing, and saying the AP is a bad old dude/dudette but he is a frickin schmuck!!!!! It is bad enough that you have to be uncomfortable going to the places you like, but now he invites you and your H to go out with him and his W which he is in the process of having another affair on as we speak? Does he get all of his cues from the Young and The Restless, or maybe The Bold and The Beautiful???? Because this has soap opera written all over it!
I want to put my high heel up his as* so badly you can't even believe it.
I too am scared to go to some of my favorite nightspots b/cause XOM moved into an apartment down in the historical district where all of the good bars are, and I am afraid to run into him ever again. Especially if I am with my H. I shudder at the thought!
I just feel lucky that he isn't calling my H to come over and hang out! EEEK!
Good luck to you girlfriend....with everything!
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: upsidedown4him
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:27pm

Meg, thanks for the sentiments of where you'd like to put your high heel :)
And upsidedown, I'm here whenever you want to vent. I'm not sure how much help I am, seeing as how I'm still floundering myself. But I'm here :) And yes, I have one adult child that lives at home.

We always get invitations to do things with them, he asked us a few weeks ago to go somewhere, but luckily we had something else to do. We are never the ones to do the inviting (because I try to avoid any more contact then necessary), but he knows the only way to see me is this way. So it looks like that's what me and H will be doing next Saturday.

H just told me "I'm surprised we got that invitation from them, because I figured being we are not going out with that crowd anymore, that friendship would fade." Well, that's what I was trying to do, let the friendship fade out in an inconspicuous way. I still am seeing him ALOT less then before. Like I said, it's been 2 months since we saw them last.

As far as this "OW" of XMM's is concerned. I don't know what to think. If I were to think practically on it, it's very doubtful he's actually having an A with her. But I believe that he's doing what he did with me in the beginning,..which is seeing where it might go. He never actively pursued a sexual A with me, it was more about flirting (which he does with her), and alot of online chat. All that led to more than I bargained for. He swears on his kid that he NEVER had/has any outside communication with her. That he only talks to her and only sees her when they are at the club. I have SUCH a hard time believing he doesn't at least chat online with her. As we all know, how do we trust a known liar and cheater? I have no proof there is anything other than what I've witnessed at the club, but having seen the way they are to each other is enough for me that even if that's all that's going on (which to me is a HUGE deal) ..it is still heartbreaking to watch. He just don't get that. He says "im not doing anything", his "anything" means to him "I'm not f'ng her". Well he doesn't have to have sex with her for it still to hurt. His W can deal with it, I can't, and more importantly, I don't have to.