Husband needs advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Husband needs advise
6
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:53pm
My husband has been involved in an affair with a close friend for almost a year now. He has tried breaking it off a few times but his feelings for her keep getting in the way and they always start it up again. She doesn't want to break it off and I know he's torn but I think if he knew how to do it and stay strong through the experience, he would do it. He knows we can't rebuild our marriage until he breaks it off with her. Any advise from those of you who've been there would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 8:08pm
Sounds to me like he needs a real incentive to WANT to end this... Ie., perhaps you are being too understanding here. If it were me, I would give him an ultimatum and stick to it; I would kick him out of my house until I had proof that he stopped all contact with her forever. Because having been in his shoes, I know how very hard it is to break off an affair without some strong motivation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 10:03pm
Thanks for your post. You're probably right in the long run about the ultimatum but I'm not sure the timing is right for that. (I know, is it ever?) We've given each other space at the moment. We're living together but not intimate. We let each other know when we'll be home, whether we're eating dinner together, etc but I've given him the freedom and space to be alone to get his head together and, yes, to see her. Is it killing me? Sure! I hate it. But it has put an end to the lies and deceit and over the course of a few weeks time, it seems his attitude on working on our marriage has changed a bit. He's more willing to sit and talk about issues and how to fix them than he was a month ago. We have scheduled talking times now and he's been sticking to them. I don't know how far we'll get in the long run, and the time very well may come when I need to resort to an ultimatum. The very odd thing is, when we're not talking about us, you'd never know anything is wrong between us. We go on with each other like nothing is happening. it's really odd that we can do that and I believe it is evidence that we're still in love with each other. Only time will tell.

The freedom and space has forced me to reconnect with some former friends, both male and female, and to realize I'll be okay either way. Sure I'll be crushed if he chooses to leave but I'll be okay. A few months ago I thought I'd die without him.

Does anyone else have experience with this sort of arrangement? or any ideas on the subject? I'd appreciate any feedback, especially if you speak from experience.

Thanks and hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:11am
Andi

I don't think kicking him out of the house, or dramatic ultimatums are right. My husband has been angry, but it was when he understood that it was a horrible painful thing for me too, that I went back to him. I remember one time him even bringing my computer to my bedside when I was sick, (and HE was taking care of me not XMM), so that I could write XMM. Your husband needs to understand that an affair is a fantasy.... the bubble will burst as soon as real life puts any pressure on it. DH has been a big source of support. Had he been mean and judgemental, we wouldn't have made it. We concentrate on those good moments when it seems like nothing is wrong and try and build on them. Search for what we still have in common and cherish it.

Good luck and do take care of yourself. You sounds like a nice person.

Lala

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:37am
Okay andi, now that you've explained your situation a little more, I understand. Where I was coming from is that a lot of times people only find the strength to leave an A once and for all when faced with losing what they've got. If you were just sitting by and letting him have his cake and thinking eventually he'd come around, I'd say you needed to take a stronger stand. But it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing; you sound smart. Hopefully he will wake up to realize what a compassionate, unselfish, kind wife he stands to lose if he continues on this path!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:12pm
Dear Andi: I was in a similar "arrangement" as you described. I was married for 16 years when somethings started to go really wrong in our life together - some related to our relationship, but the most tragic were related to our children. In the process, we both fell apart. Now alot of this is much more clear in hindsight than it was at the time it was happening, then I was pretty sure my marriage was over and I wasn't happy with HIM any longer. We were separated for 2 years but lived together (we have a severely handicapped child who is truly a 2-person job!!) and maybe you're thinking that if we really wanted to separate we would have, and maybe that's true. During those 2 years I became very involved with OMM, who began the process of ending his marriage to start his life over with me. Meanwhile, DH was also involved with another woman. But we went on living together, occasionally going out for coffee together, going out running together, and eventually it just started to click.

We had both done alot of work independently (with therapists, but IC, not marriage counseling) and started to heal. I began recovery from active addiction. Eventually, we started spending more time together and enjoying that time. In January I made a decision that I couldn't/didn't want to end my marriage. In February I ended my A. Shortly after that, DH and I just came together one evening.

Its been a process of rebuilding, that's for sure. We were alittle awkward together for the first month or so. We were able to share that we both missed our "others," but we both started to understand what those "others" truly were in our lives. Because of all that we'd been through, neither DH or I had the energy to work on this relationship and we were both seeking another person to fill our respective voids and take care of us emotionally. My OMM was a pure and total escape. While its true I love this man, I'm not sure I wasn't more "in love" with the void he filled and the way he made me feel.

In the end, I think that's at the heart of most As. They will not survive the real world. Someone posted here recently that most of us are 90 percent happy with our spouse. I think, depending on our underlying personality type, some of us are willing to take that remaining 10 percent and run with it. I KNOW I found the 10 percent that was lacking in my DH in my OMM. In the end, I was willing to give up the 90 percent that was perfect for me.

I don't know whether anything I've said has helped. I do understand what the previous posters said about enabling. IMHO, an ultimatum or something of that sort which have made me angry and I would have decided to SHOW HIM by moving on with OMM, even if it made me miserable. I'm a rebel and I don't like to be wrong...

Just my two cents, honey, for whatever its worth... Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 11:08am
Hi Mo. Thanks for sharing your situation. It was truly a help to me knowing that this type of arrangement can be successful in the end. Right now it's devistating to me. Intellectually I know I need to give him his space to sort things out. If I make too many demands or try to control his actions, I know it will drive him away. My problem is that my counselor whom I see every week really thinks I'm doing the wrong thing. He doesn't say so of course but I can tell by the questions he asks and the way he answers me that he thinks this is harmful to my emotional well-being. It's hard. Right now, he's "out" which means he may be running errands and stuff but sometime in the course of the morning will no doubt be with her. He told me he needs to see her every day. We will have lunch together when he gets home and will act like nothing is wrong.

I understand you had the unusual situation with your child but I'm curious as to how your actual arrangement worked. How did you treat each other on a day-to-day basis? Were there times when one of you was trying to get back together and the other one was not responding? Did you ignore each other except for necessary communication or did you sit around and talk like nothing was wrong between you?

If you want to email me directly, please feel free to do so. I would appreciate your expertise in this area. orchfan51@aol.com

Thanks much.

Andi