Husband needs advise
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Husband needs advise
| Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:53pm |
My husband has been involved in an affair with a close friend for almost a year now. He has tried breaking it off a few times but his feelings for her keep getting in the way and they always start it up again. She doesn't want to break it off and I know he's torn but I think if he knew how to do it and stay strong through the experience, he would do it. He knows we can't rebuild our marriage until he breaks it off with her. Any advise from those of you who've been there would be appreciated.

The freedom and space has forced me to reconnect with some former friends, both male and female, and to realize I'll be okay either way. Sure I'll be crushed if he chooses to leave but I'll be okay. A few months ago I thought I'd die without him.
Does anyone else have experience with this sort of arrangement? or any ideas on the subject? I'd appreciate any feedback, especially if you speak from experience.
Thanks and hugs to you.
I don't think kicking him out of the house, or dramatic ultimatums are right. My husband has been angry, but it was when he understood that it was a horrible painful thing for me too, that I went back to him. I remember one time him even bringing my computer to my bedside when I was sick, (and HE was taking care of me not XMM), so that I could write XMM. Your husband needs to understand that an affair is a fantasy.... the bubble will burst as soon as real life puts any pressure on it. DH has been a big source of support. Had he been mean and judgemental, we wouldn't have made it. We concentrate on those good moments when it seems like nothing is wrong and try and build on them. Search for what we still have in common and cherish it.
Good luck and do take care of yourself. You sounds like a nice person.
Lala
We had both done alot of work independently (with therapists, but IC, not marriage counseling) and started to heal. I began recovery from active addiction. Eventually, we started spending more time together and enjoying that time. In January I made a decision that I couldn't/didn't want to end my marriage. In February I ended my A. Shortly after that, DH and I just came together one evening.
Its been a process of rebuilding, that's for sure. We were alittle awkward together for the first month or so. We were able to share that we both missed our "others," but we both started to understand what those "others" truly were in our lives. Because of all that we'd been through, neither DH or I had the energy to work on this relationship and we were both seeking another person to fill our respective voids and take care of us emotionally. My OMM was a pure and total escape. While its true I love this man, I'm not sure I wasn't more "in love" with the void he filled and the way he made me feel.
In the end, I think that's at the heart of most As. They will not survive the real world. Someone posted here recently that most of us are 90 percent happy with our spouse. I think, depending on our underlying personality type, some of us are willing to take that remaining 10 percent and run with it. I KNOW I found the 10 percent that was lacking in my DH in my OMM. In the end, I was willing to give up the 90 percent that was perfect for me.
I don't know whether anything I've said has helped. I do understand what the previous posters said about enabling. IMHO, an ultimatum or something of that sort which have made me angry and I would have decided to SHOW HIM by moving on with OMM, even if it made me miserable. I'm a rebel and I don't like to be wrong...
Just my two cents, honey, for whatever its worth... Love, Mo.
I understand you had the unusual situation with your child but I'm curious as to how your actual arrangement worked. How did you treat each other on a day-to-day basis? Were there times when one of you was trying to get back together and the other one was not responding? Did you ignore each other except for necessary communication or did you sit around and talk like nothing was wrong between you?
If you want to email me directly, please feel free to do so. I would appreciate your expertise in this area. orchfan51@aol.com
Thanks much.
Andi