Husband wants to visit counselor with me
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Husband wants to visit counselor with me
| Sun, 04-18-2004 - 8:40am |
Ok, here goes.
My husband knows of the attraction between me and EXMM, but knows nothing of the actual affair that we had. I had been going to a counselor, to have someone to talk to.
I was a little late home from work yesterday and my husband freaked out.
He called my cell phone 6 times. He then left because he had weekend plans with the guys. I get home and my son asks me "Why was dad sh------ a brick?" I called my husband and he was furious, all sorts of things going thru his mind. After about 30 minutes of talking, he told me the only way for him to get thru this is to go to the counselor with me and have him tell my husband everything he knows. He said that if the counselor tells him he can't answer a certain question, then it is over. I was frantic, called my counselor and told him everything, he said that he can't promise me that he will answer all my husbands questions. I told him that he could answer all the questions my husband has ,except admitting to the affair. He can't promise me that. I am scared to death that the counselor is going to try to get me to confess to my husband, that I actually did have an affair.
I don't know what to do. This thing has gotten so far out of hand. I don't want my 20 years of marriage to end, I do love my husband, just got so caught up in the fantasy land of having another man attracted to me.
My husband knows of the attraction between me and EXMM, but knows nothing of the actual affair that we had. I had been going to a counselor, to have someone to talk to.
I was a little late home from work yesterday and my husband freaked out.
He called my cell phone 6 times. He then left because he had weekend plans with the guys. I get home and my son asks me "Why was dad sh------ a brick?" I called my husband and he was furious, all sorts of things going thru his mind. After about 30 minutes of talking, he told me the only way for him to get thru this is to go to the counselor with me and have him tell my husband everything he knows. He said that if the counselor tells him he can't answer a certain question, then it is over. I was frantic, called my counselor and told him everything, he said that he can't promise me that he will answer all my husbands questions. I told him that he could answer all the questions my husband has ,except admitting to the affair. He can't promise me that. I am scared to death that the counselor is going to try to get me to confess to my husband, that I actually did have an affair.
I don't know what to do. This thing has gotten so far out of hand. I don't want my 20 years of marriage to end, I do love my husband, just got so caught up in the fantasy land of having another man attracted to me.
I know about the patient/doctor confidentiality. My counselor has to know, that he can tell my husband everything, but if my husband asks if I did indeed have sex with another man, my counselor has to say no, he does not have my permission to tell my husband this.Am I right or wrong????????????????????????????

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I know your scared to death, and I think your H is too! In regards to your question, well the counselor is not breaking confidentiality in this case. You are bringing H to your session, the counselor did not initiate contact with him. You cannot ask the counselor to lie for you, just as you cannot ask a lawyer, doctor, or auditor (Enron). He or she might decline to answer the question which as you say will be enough for your husband. Tempted you might want to really have a deep conversation with H, I hate to tell you but he already knows there is more to the story than what you have said to him. You might be able to diffuse it for now, but know that he is on Con 5 alert, the missle are in the process of count down. I know your scared to death, but I will be honest and tell you that I do not think your husband will leave. He might for a short time, but he will need answers and if he walks away now he will never have his answers resolved. I know that does not give you much comfort, but he needs to understand this and walking out now, he will carry these question for the rest of his life. He can leave anytime so have the counselor talk to him about helping him heal, and not to be in a rush just to leave. My story is the discovery of my wifes long affair after her sudden death. I found her journal, and several other things when I started doing some remodeling last year. It crushed me, but I told know one and destroyed most everything as I see no reason to have others see or think less of her, and prior to my discovery, I spent a great deal of time working with our two very little kids especially at night lying in bed with them and telling them funny stories about there mom and them and how much she loved them. Thats what they need to know, the other well, I will carry alone but it has left me with a weight that I will never be able to resolve. I truely do not understand why I had to discover this, it serves no purpose at this point. I wish God would just let things be and that I would never have known. I was a much happier person then. She fell in love with someone else, no ones fault it just happens. This did not make her a bad person nor does it make any of the people on here a bad people, it just makes them human. Maybe I am the one who is the bad person, because of a vow and ring kept her from being with the one she truely loved...I just did not know. I miss her.
Sorry for rambling Tempted, try to relax as best you can take a tylenol pm or something to help you rest. I might be a small town doctor, but I also slept at a Holiday Inn last night...no wait that was a Motel 6...Damn It!
Hey!
Take a deep breath and read and follow my advice and you'll come out on the other side....
I've been through the "if you loved me you would tell me everything" controlling request of my ex-spouse. You DO NOT have to "demonstrate" you love for your husband by giving in to this
Wow...where to start???? Ok, first...I FIRMLY believe that YOUR counselor is YOUR counselor. Regardless of your past behavior, you h has NO RIGHT to insist on a violation of your privacy. You apparently are going there to work some stuff out...how can you do that safely when your h is DEMANDING to know everything?? Heck, no one would be able to truly work on themselves in under those conditions, if in the back of their head they fear their spouse would eventually become privvy to that information. By giving your h permission to speak to your counselor, you are essentially giving up SOME of your confidentiality; however, your counselor is bound by a code of ethics and will have to decide which info to tell/not to tell. But understand, certain things may or may not come out. It sounds like your h is trying to "use" the counselor to make a decision for him.....you h needs to decide what it is HE wants, with or without the information.
Second, your h probably needs his own therapist to deal with some of his stuff...anger, fear, hurt, whatever. Going to your counselor will NOT alleviate what he is feeling, in fact it just might feed into it more.
Third, part of me understands what your h is going through. You were having an affair (and I don't mean this harshly or judgemental). He's freaked out by this, and probably knows already of the affair on some level. This is the TOUGHEST call you have to make...to tell or not to tell. I rarely recommend telling a spouse, but seeing that he might already have some inkling...it puts you in a precarious position of having to constantly lie to him, which eats away at people. But you know your h better then anyone else. You cannot really predict his behavior at receiving such information, but this might be a case where he could possibly benefit. But again, I really can't say.
IF your h really loves you, then he'll take this a challenge to change the dynamics of your marriage. Something went dry in the marriage that made you seek outside of it...and you learned a painful lesson of how much the marriage really means to you--esp. since it sounds like its all at risk. Part of me thinks that IF he did find out and IF he did leave, you would have to accept his choices and your responsibility in this. Another part of me thinks that he might not be able to forgive since he seems so adamant on finding out what happened...as if you are a possession that he needs to control and protect (again, I could be WAY off base...just my interpertation on what you wrote).
I always say to people, esp. those who are VERY judgemental of those in/had affairs, that NO ONE walks away from a good marriage. With some counseling, maybe your h could see that you were not walking away from a good marriage, but one that had withered....(and I'm hoping, and assuming, that you have already seen this).
I know this post is probably all over the road...and some conflicting stuff...but its just my intial thoughts. But I still believe that he does NOT have a right to insist on seeing your counselor and demanding information. That's your space, not his. If you are uncomfortable with it, tell him so. Tell him he needs to find a counselor to work on his feelings.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry that you found out about your late w's affair in the manner that you did. I cannot even imagine the pain of this, on top of the initial grief, and I'm sure what is now anger.
I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I hope that someday you can heal and learn from this.
My advice, because you have not spoken to anyone about this--and do not want to defame her name (btw, what an AWESOME thing to do...and I think that speaks VOLUMES of the person you are!!!!)...please try to find a counselor to spill this stuff out to. You should not have to carry this weight on your own---relieve it somehow!!
Peace to you and good luck on your path!
dharma
You "found" your wife's journal? OK. SO why did you bother to breach your wife's privscy and read it? You kew it ws her private thoughts NEVER shared with anyone, not even you. And you read it KNOWING it was YOUR WIFE'S journal, NOT YOURS.
And you read it knowing your wife had not given you her permission to read her journal, otherwise she would have brought it to you while she was alive. She DIED without ever sharing her own words with you. There was a reason for that. She had her private life. And frustrations with her marriage to you. And found relief where she could.
Moebnme, you violated your wife's right to privacy. Even in death private journals are private. There was nothing stopping you from burning her journals unread. YOU made the choice to snoop.
A weight you'll "never" be able to resolve? Puh-lease.....that's what counseling is for.. to deal with issues and achieve resolution. If you choose to "never resolve" the issues, then that is YOUR choice to keep yourself in a limbo land of self-pity. The "why-me" syndrome.
You don't understand why you "had to discover this"? Newsflash: YOU chose to discover it. YOU chose to read the journal. ANd you could have just as simply chosen to NOT read the journal. YOU are responsible for what YOU chose to do, NOT God. Until YOU chose to snoop, you had your impression of your marriage as you and your wife lived it. Only you know if you ever suspected your wife of having an affair. I think you had suspicions of infidelity and wanted to know the answer and was looking in your wife's journal to confirm your suspicions. That's what I think you did and why you read the journal. WIthout ANY regard for your wife's privacy.
Falling in love with someone else doesn't "just happen". Two people get married for certain reasons. If they marry for love and later in the marriage one or the other spouse falls out of love BOTH spouses share a significant responsibility for creating a downward spiral in their marriage that ended the love within it.
Moebnme, I hope you get yourself into some counseling to address what your part in the affair dance was and how you can best move forward from here. Because clearly, you need to move on from all this and have a better life than the one you had. A life with open communication and full attention within the relationships you have......
Your wife had a lot of good qualities that you miss and cherish. I suggest you remember those as your focus rather than her shortcomings and fialings. I assure you your life will get peaceful much quicker if you do....
Mine did.
EXCELLENT POST!!!! You said it sooo much better than I!! Tempted, listen to nre--he got it right!!!
Tempted
If you want to save your Marriage I suggest you forget all this privacy B/S, if you get caught in a LIE by your husband your marriage will have very little chance, every lie he finds out about down the road will be like a new betrayal to him, be upfront and totaly honest, it will be hard as hell on you both but will increase your chances.
GOOD LUCK
Free
"Privacy B/S"?
What are you? A betrayed spouse masquerading as an affair participant?
Until you have your spouse (or EX-spouse) throw it up in your face OVER and OVER and OVER ad nauseum how much YOU are the ENTIRE blame for every failing in the marriage and confessing to the affair just "proves" how worthless and awful you are, then I suggest you give A LOT more thought to
However, I have to respectfully disagree about the journal thing. I'm sure moebnme was not belatedly trying to spy on his late wife by reading her journal; when you lose someone like that, a journal can be a very precious connection to their heart. Even good ol' Dear Abby often talks about the journal of a deceased loved one as an important historical document. I don't think most of us would expect to find such shocking discoveries in our spouse's journal, but rather just some deeper insight & reminders about who they were in life... I do agree that a person's privacy should be respected to the utmost degree when they are alive, but when it becomes the spouse's or the family's responsibility to carry on the legacy of the deceased, everything is fair game.
My heart goes out to you, moebnme, and I agree that you should be seeking counseling to deal with this if you aren't already.
My perception on those in my life who've died suddenly or on-time (and at this point both parents and all grandparents have been dead for a while) is that whatever I shared with them in life is the thread of my memories. What they shared with me while they were living was their legacy to me. Not their private thoughts and anguish.
I had the opportunity to read my dad's journals. I didn't. I burned them unread. They were his thoughts about his life and reading them would not do anything to bring him back to life. Nor would reading his discussions with himself serve to change my own discussions with myself. Our thoughts are our own. If we choose to share them with others, we have ample time in our day to day living circumstances....
We have private journals to unload the feedback within our own brains and hash out the resolutions to our lives.
My children, ex-w
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