Husband wants to visit counselor with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Husband wants to visit counselor with me
21
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 8:40am
Ok, here goes.

My husband knows of the attraction between me and EXMM, but knows nothing of the actual affair that we had. I had been going to a counselor, to have someone to talk to.

I was a little late home from work yesterday and my husband freaked out.

He called my cell phone 6 times. He then left because he had weekend plans with the guys. I get home and my son asks me "Why was dad sh------ a brick?" I called my husband and he was furious, all sorts of things going thru his mind. After about 30 minutes of talking, he told me the only way for him to get thru this is to go to the counselor with me and have him tell my husband everything he knows. He said that if the counselor tells him he can't answer a certain question, then it is over. I was frantic, called my counselor and told him everything, he said that he can't promise me that he will answer all my husbands questions. I told him that he could answer all the questions my husband has ,except admitting to the affair. He can't promise me that. I am scared to death that the counselor is going to try to get me to confess to my husband, that I actually did have an affair.

I don't know what to do. This thing has gotten so far out of hand. I don't want my 20 years of marriage to end, I do love my husband, just got so caught up in the fantasy land of having another man attracted to me.

I know about the patient/doctor confidentiality. My counselor has to know, that he can tell my husband everything, but if my husband asks if I did indeed have sex with another man, my counselor has to say no, he does not have my permission to tell my husband this.Am I right or wrong????????????????????????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 6:53pm


NO I am somebody who saved her marriage and has grown it and made it a good place to be, unlike yourself.

Not everybody reacts like your wife did, many people learn and grow from the pain and can become a better husband or wife and enjoy a better life together.

If you want a real marriage you have to cut the the lieing and denying and deal with the problems.

F


Edited 4/18/2004 7:40 pm ET ET by mefreenow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:41am

Congratulations. You're blessed to have a spouse that respects boundaries. And willing to work through what both of you did to contribute to the affair happening.


A lot of us don't, including me in my

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 2:06am
Tempted, you need to talk to your counselor! After I told my counselor all about my A, I wanted her to meet with my H to help me determine if our marriage was worth saving. I point blank asked her about what she would tell him about my A. Her reply was that she will not and can not tell him anything that I have shared with her or she will loose her license! She also told me that should my H *ask* her any direct questions about me, she will tell him that he needs to ask ME!

This was exactly what she did do and to me, that makes her a very trustworthy and above board counselor! When she met with my H, she discussed the problems in our marriage from HIS perspective. She listened to him and gave him suggestions on what he can do to improve our communication..........he didn't listen and instead, used it as his personal bitching session to tell the counselor all my problems...........but that's a whole different post.

Your counselor's job (IMO) is to find the common ground to get you and your H to openly and honestly communicate and resolve your problems. His job is not to take your secrets and feelings you have shared in CONFIDENCE and openly flaunt them to your husband! If he does do this, you should consider seeing an attorney!

I agree with NRE's comment that in marriage none of us should have to PROVE our love to the extreme your H is expecting! You will live with the guilt of your A for the rest of your life......you do not need some counselor acting like judge and jury!

Good luck and how are you doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 2:21am
MOEBNME...........After reading your post earlier today, I decided that first thing in the morning (when the kids and H are out of the house) I'm destroying my journals!

Your post reminded me of the movie About Schmitt when the H found love letters his deceased wife received. There is no good reason on this earth for any of us to subject our loved ones to the pain you've experienced and I am very sorry that you had to go through this pain.

With apology, may I be somewhat callous and ask you a couple of questions? How long were you married? Did you at any time suspect how unhappy your late wife was within your marriage? If so, did you try to address/resolve the problems with her?

My sympathies to you on your loss. I wish you peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 4:35am
Noregretsever,

I am not trying to begin an argument with you, but your response to my post was some what harsh and actually felt hostile. You have already made a judgement upon me because of my statement that I discovered my deceased wife journal. From what little I shared and trust me you got a very condensed version you have already condemed me. Your very response and the tone in which I read it has me at this moment responding to your accusastion with details that are private in hopes that you will better understand. Well, lets begin with the discovery of the journal. This was discovered last Oct, my wife died 3 1/2 years ago. This was very sudden, I still remember walking into the house and the strange and very painful emotions because everything was like she had just stepped out for a moment. Unfinished list of items she wanted to get at Targets, hand written notes to remind her of eye doctor exam, note to me on the bathroom mirror saying "Just 4 more days till We are in Cancun, don't worry about suntan lotion you and I will be to busy reading...Wink!

It was almost 2 months before I was even able to begin the process of having to go through her clothes, medicine , bills, friends are business assosiates that might not know. She was self employed and even though she was gone there were still a lot of issues that needed to be resolved and I inherited this task. Trust me when I say I respect everyones privacy, but in this sitution I found myself everyday invading what I felt was her privacy. I felt awful. She had a PDA with a list of contacts, scheduled meetings, orders that needed to be filled. Well, I have to contact these people and let them know what has taken place, find out if refunds were in order, if there was payments still due her, calls to me asking if I could find a project that she was working on for them...In regards to the journal well, it was discovered by me and a helper as we were tearing out a built in laundry hamper that was next to a shower that had been leaking and the flooring was starting to go. Now keep in mind the journal was just one item that I mentioned there were poloroid picuters in a clear zip lock bag, two vcr tapes...never viewed them and one CD Rom which I did not view...plus some toys enough said. The journal was just a regular paper note book, no statement of keep out, private or anything. I never got past the first page of her journal, I did not want to deal with this issue, and even if I would have not looked in her journal, I could not go back and act like I had not seen the pictures. Now, to even complicate things even further I discovered that she had with held several 1099 earned income from some of the smaller companies she had contracts with. We filed jointly from what we (accountant, and attorny ) have been able to find this is just a three year period. I have no idea as to what happened with the money, is it in a bank account in another state, investment, blown...its over $25000. I have also discovered credit card debts that I was not aware of but they are damaging my credit report and that has resulted in me having to pay a much higher premium for Malpractice insurance and a lot of other things. These things I have discovered are not resolved quickly. Noregretes, I did burn the journal, photos, vcr tapes, toys, and cd disc two weeks after they were discovered. My attorney says God, why did you do that, we may need it with the IRS...who knew! We also discovered a safe deposit key, but no information as to where, the purpose for, or why she had it. I am left with feelings of doubt, not sure if she was pretending or if she really did love me. Your statement that I had to be aware, well no her behavior with me was extremly loving. She wanted us to renew our wedding vows with the kids present for that upcoming Dec. I have letters and cards that she wrote in great detail of the love we shared, and yet during the same time period she had another life in some other city, I am not sure if it was Denver, Atlanta, San Diago, Portland....I have only a first name and a nude image of him. Her lap top had a different internet account than the one we used at home, but that was closed some time ago, and I would have to use the courts to gain access. Nothing could be found on her computer regarding the other man, or any legal issues that I was not aware. Noregrets you state that I had no right to read her private journal, but the awful legal truth is that after probat, she no longer owned it. She wrote it, but I now owned it along with a lot of other things good and bad that have made me very aware of what my kids or family would have to do in the event that I was no longer here. Certain things we all considered, but trust me there are a thousand things that still will need to be attended too, and that most of us never consider. I will seek some help per everyones advice for I realize that I can't climb this rock alone. Noregretes, you may again find fault with what I have written and how I handled these events. All I can say is that at the time and at present right or wrong this were my actions and I cannot go back and unring the bell. I now know these private things about her, and by keeping those secrets to myself I do believe that I have honored her privacy. No one else will ever know , because they don't need too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 5:00am
Caring,

Thank you and to everyone else for your warm thoughts. Hopefully you can read my response to Noregretes and that will give you some information. We married in 86 and she died August of 2000. She was 36 at that time. In regards to was I aware of her being unhappy, well that is my stuggle. She was very affectionate to me we always sat together while watching TV, we would sneak outside and sit on the tail gate of the truck looking at the stars and just talking and kissing, and she would use my shaving cream to write I love you on our bathroom mirror, I would do similar things for her, it was fun and I miss all that. There were times that she would be distant, or upset, but when asked whats wrong it would always be an issue with her mom, problem with a client, or something like that which is not unusal. I only know what I was allowed to know. If there would have been glaring problems in our relationship then this would all make more sense, but again thats my struggle and I am just trying to figure out was she pretending with me or was it real. I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:20pm

Moebnme:


A large can of worms to deal with, from your descriptions.


You'll never know "why" your wife did all these different things. I was glad to read that you did destroy the journal. And all the other items. God forbid your kids should come across them. Having found the other items with the journal, I suppose you gave in to curiosity in an effort to understand why you had found all the other "records" (pics, etc). Humans do some strange things, don't they? We know something probably will hurt, yet we do it anyway.........


The missing 1099's may come back to you via IRS notices of mis-matched amounts on your tax returns. You may end up paying additional tax because of it. Hard to tell. Statute of limitations runs for 3 years, at which point most IRS inquiries cease.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:48pm
I am doing a little better, husband calmed down a bit and hasn't mentioned going to the counselor again. I asked him who his best friend was and he told me it was his brother, I said, "then maybe you need to talk to your brother." He said he couldn't talk to his brother.

I realize all the pain I have caused him, and that hurts. I can't imagine if he really knew about the affair, not just the attraction between me and EMM.

Me and EMM neither one regret that we had an affair, we are very good friends at work.We were just talking about resuming the affair last week, but not now, it is too risky.

I talked to EMM yesterday and told him everything that happened over the weekend with my husband. He made me promise him that I would call him if my husband found out about our affair. I told him I would. I told him that I had never been afraid of my husband in the 20 years that we have been married, but I was really afraid this weekend, of what he might do if he found out the truth, and he told me that he couldn't responsible for what he would do.

EMM is a cop, and he told me that he would talk to all his guys at work and let them know that if they here a call with my address come out, they are to go, he can't go.

The thing about that is that he says he has only told one person and that person works in another county, so I don't know what he will tell his guys!!!!!

I feel bad that I can never take this back, it is done. I also wonder how long the memories will last.

I know EMM thinks about it and me. He told me yesterday that the reason he had been looking for a job elsewhere is to take some of the pressure off of me. He said he was thinking about me and wanting it to be easier for me.

I don't know if that would be easier, not ever seeing him again. But then it would probably help.

He continues to work at my place of employment, but we are able to conceal everything.He does still come in my office and talk to me.

At least I didn't have an affair with a jerk.

I will worry forever that my husband and or EMM's wife finds out about our affair.

I wonder if the worry will ever go away!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 3:21pm
Tempted,

Glad to hear things have settled down some. I might suggest that your advice that H should speak with his brother, well lets rethink that. What you really don't need at this time and my opinion most times is for family and friends when dealing with things between you and H relationship. Brother in-law, tells, sister in-law, and she tells mother in-law, who then tells Aunt...you get the picture. If the truth every does come out and I will be honest your H actions indicate at least to me that your not telling him the truth. Not trying to judge, just from a male perspective his reactions speaks volumns. What I was trying to say, neither one of you need the burden of extended family members giving their advice, views, or feelings which often times will change your relationship with them forever no matter what the out come of all this. I do have one question you mentioned that you both were going to restart the affair but not now it is to risky! I read that several ways, but I feel that you are wanting things to calm down for a while then maybe restart? The statement that you planned or were thinking of restarting the affair is a HUGE INDICATION to me as to why your H freaked. In med school I was told the absolute worse thing you can do is give some one just enough information that will create within them fear and uncertainty. I tell you on Friday you have cancer, thats it. Well, you know enough about to cancer to fear the worse, without more details you will remain in fear, and you need me or another Doctor to provide you those details and that leaves you feeling some what vulnarble. Please don't view your husband by the reaction he showed this weekend. That is not him, what you saw was his fear of losing his wife. The anger was only the wrapping paper that conceals his fear. Last thing regarding the OM statement that he was thinking of you and was looking to get another job to make it easier on you, he is a PLAYER, he knows how that statement creates an image of him sacrificing his needs to meet yours. He may actually find another place to work, but the reason will be for his needs not yours trust me. Keep re-playing that statement or line he told you over and over in your mind and really try and step back to view its double edge purpose. He is just concerned with you, wanting things to work out between you and H. What he is doing is annexing the emotions you have for H and extending his rights to the emotional properties you once shared with H. He could be on that show with Donald Trump! Whether you and H remain or not, I just want you to know that this OM gives me a PLAYER ALERT feeling, and tempted your a wonderful person who does not deserve to be played by anyone!

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 3:48pm
My oldest sister died in a car accident when she was 21. She was a normal, happy, busy young woman with a career that she loved. However, my Mom and Dad both read her journal after she died. I remember it making my Mom really sad because it sounded like my sister was so unhappy. (I honestly think that she was just a normal young woman that sometimes got overwhelmed.) I was 11 at the time, but I've often thought about this when I've sat down to write in my own journal. I think a lot of people use a journal as a dumping place for negative thoughts and as a tool to work through personal issues (such as affairs)and not necessarily as a chronicle of their lives. I personally would think long and hard before reading the journal of someone that I loved who had recently died. I also think that I'm going to invent a self-destruct mechanism on my journal so no one can read it after I'm gone.