Yep, and this is why us single gals bought into our affairs, hook, line, and lies. I heard all of this too, and when the truth slowly began exposing itself, it was very painful indeed. Since affairs are all about BS
One thing is for sure, there is nothing that is "for sure" in an A. The feelings were real yet the relationship was not. The hurt was real yet the reason is not. Its all smoke and mirrors.
Its a game Alice and our feelings and familes were the pawns in it. I started playing for keeps and I knew that it was time for me to get out.
Your eyes are opening, the fog is lifting if only slightly but you are starting to see so much. Its ok to think about the A but only if it pushes you in the right direction. Its ok to be angry but only if it reinforces your determination to heal.
You are making such great strides and Im so proud of you. I know the road to Tweenervile seems like a long one but you are not on it alone. And if I have to wheelbarrow your a$$ down it, I will,
Most of us (especially MW and MM as well) lied or at the very least misrepresented ourselves and many times our M and our spouse to xAP. The most destructive lies, however,
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
During my early days here on EAS, still fogged in, I put all the blame on xAP. Lying to myself that the pain and anger I was feeling was his fault. After a few months of support from the good people here, I began to see my ways. But I still hadn't reached the point of recognizing that I was lying to myself. The lies we tell ourselves and stupidly believe in, are fuel to the fires. Ending the affair is step one. The steps beyond that are tough. If you just end the affair and don't understand all the reasons why you had it in the first place, then IMHO, you are continuing to pull the wool over your own eyes. You'll continue to believe your own lies, wallow in the after affair crap and never truly move on. You have to admit you lied, he lied and why. And I don't mean lies to cover the affair. I mean lies you told yourself so you could continue to get the good feelings from the affair. Lies that you told yourself so you could falsely believe this affair was really ok. It's those lies that pull at your ego during the painful ending period. Those things you thought you deserved, that love you finally found, that OMG soulmate crap. That's the lies that you have to work out of your psyche in order to move on. I found it so dang difficult to separate those lies that were embedded in me after 4 years of believing there was a relationship, when there never truly ever was! No relationship because it was all built on a bed of lies. No real relationship can live on that - but in affairland, that is all there is, lies. Wow, have I ever been rambling and not putting my thoughts together very well. Anyway, for me, it boiled down to dissecting the lies I told myself and getting to the real reasons I allowed myself to screw up so badly.
Wow Alice, Im impressed as hell. Your post was so full of some light bulb moments that I had to grab my sun glasses. Yeah, I know cheesy but WTH, Its early and Im now on glass #3 of my iced tea.
Isnt it pathetic the lies we told? I too discussed my plans to leave my H with XMM. I discussed my "exit stradegty" and how my recent bedroom furniture purchase for my son was really for me so I would have a nice bedroon set for my new apartment. WOW, sick pathetic lying stuff there. Im not even sure why I did that. I honestly think it was to keep XMM close. If he knew that my M wasnt nearly as bad as I said it was, he would have pulled back. I made my M out to be so some dysfunctional mess when in reality it was better than I ever gave it credit for.
It was built on lies but with true feelings in there and that is what makes the recovery difficult.
Surround yourself in your knowledge and strength Alice and we will cross the finish line together into Tweenerville.
Alice is growing :) Good for you. I found that I turned a corner on this road to recovery as soon as I started taking responsibility for my role in the A. Yes, Xap lied and so did I. I can continue to play the victim and lament my bad luck... or I can take a good, hard, honest look at myself and start to fix things. REally move foward. And realizing my role in the A was a BIG step. I am glad you have reached it Alice. It will be hard to sort through all of it, but it will be worth it.
Alice,
<>
Yep, and this is why us single gals bought into our affairs, hook, line, and lies. I heard all of this too, and when the truth slowly began exposing itself, it was very painful indeed. Since affairs are all about BS
~Iddy~
Alice,
One thing is for sure, there is nothing that is "for sure" in an A. The feelings were real yet the relationship was not. The hurt was real yet the reason is not. Its all smoke and mirrors.
Its a game Alice and our feelings and familes were the pawns in it. I started playing for keeps and I knew that it was time for me to get out.
Your eyes are opening, the fog is lifting if only slightly but you are starting to see so much. Its ok to think about the A but only if it pushes you in the right direction. Its ok to be angry but only if it reinforces your determination to heal.
You are making such great strides and Im so proud of you. I know the road to Tweenervile seems like a long one but you are not on it alone. And if I have to wheelbarrow your a$$ down it, I will,
Alice!!!
This is the stuff healing is made of!
Good for you!
Most of us (especially MW and MM as well) lied or at the very least misrepresented ourselves and many times our M and our spouse to xAP. The most destructive lies, however,
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Wow Alice, Im impressed as hell. Your post was so full of some light bulb moments that I had to grab my sun glasses. Yeah, I know cheesy but WTH, Its early and Im now on glass #3 of my iced tea.
Isnt it pathetic the lies we told? I too discussed my plans to leave my H with XMM. I discussed my "exit stradegty" and how my recent bedroom furniture purchase for my son was really for me so I would have a nice bedroon set for my new apartment. WOW, sick pathetic lying stuff there. Im not even sure why I did that. I honestly think it was to keep XMM close. If he knew that my M wasnt nearly as bad as I said it was, he would have pulled back. I made my M out to be so some dysfunctional mess when in reality it was better than I ever gave it credit for.
It was built on lies but with true feelings in there and that is what makes the recovery difficult.
Surround yourself in your knowledge and strength Alice and we will cross the finish line together into Tweenerville.
GMLB
Alice is growing :) Good for you. I found that I turned a corner on this road to recovery as soon as I started taking responsibility for my role in the A. Yes, Xap lied and so did I. I can continue to play the victim and lament my bad luck... or I can take a good, hard, honest look at myself and start to fix things. REally move foward. And realizing my role in the A was a BIG step. I am glad you have reached it Alice. It will be hard to sort through all of it, but it will be worth it.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/