I am back...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
I am back...
11
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:19pm
I was here a fwe months back and I am back. I want to end my A once and for all. Can anybody give me pointers as to how can do that suceesfully. I have been here many times but went back to him. This time I am sure of it ending. I really want out. I am sick of the entire A. Any suggesstions?? Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: julietsfate
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:02pm
HI JF

The one absolute thing you need to get out is to REALLY WANT TO GET OUT, not just think you do because your pissed at the guy right now because that is going to pass and then so will your resolve to end it.

Make a detailed list of all the crap he has pulled on you, the ways he has mistreated you or disrespected you, read it daily to help remind you way your doing this on the weak days.

If your truly ready Then you will find total no contact a must, close any channels he has for contacting you IM E-MAIL accounts, phone numbers ETC....

Vent here and with willing friends when you have the urge to call him, the board is open 24/7 for that reason.

GOOD LUCK

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: julietsfate
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:54pm
some people here may say, cold turkey, no contact. If you could do that, you would have.

here's what worked for me --

I started getting more involved & engaged in my own life,

I got more focused at work & was too busy to stop for our daily lunch, planned more weekend activities with my kids, got more involved in their homework to cut down on time I had available for him;

when my kids were with their dad, I went to the gym or made plans with other friends so I wasn't availabe for last minute opportunities to see him,

I left my cell phone in my car so I wouldn't be tempted to answer "his" calls at night,

I stopped emailing him,

I MADE myself date single guys,

I read & posted here almost daily during those 6 mos.,

I read self-help books & articles about affairs,

I talked to my friends who were honest & loving & encouraged me to get out,

I basically just weaned myself over a 6-month period. When I went out on a really GOOD date, I felt confident that I was ready to get out there in the real world & I told him.

THEN & only then did I end it. Then I was ready to walk away & never look back. It still hurt but I had reduced my dependence on the affair to the point that I could do it.

I never regretted it but it took another 6 mos. to completely get over it. But immediately, my life was 1000% better. Now, over a year later, I thank God every single day that I got out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: julietsfate
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:07pm

Some very good advice, FNM! Thanks for sharing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: julietsfate
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 8:36am
Juliet

I just wanted to say that I am really sorry that things did not work out for you - but i really admire your decision to take control and walk away. I have moved over to this board not through choice, if you get my drift. I can't offer you any words of wisdom other than the No Contact rule - but I am thinking about you and wishing you strength.

N

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: julietsfate
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:49am
Thanks a lot ladies for your suggestions. I am so ready to be out of this A/crap/sh*t once and forever. I will so willing to try anything you all say. Thanks for all your posts. You all are really wonderful people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: julietsfate
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:09am
I think you inspired me Juliet. I felt really strong this afternoon. I had set up all these special little email alerts for when a message from him came thru - a special sound, a special colour, a special alert message. Today i wiped them all. Now - if I ever hear from him again -- he will just come up with a regular sound, in a regular colour .... just like everyone else that I don't really care much about.

It's not much - but it's a start, eh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: julietsfate
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:45am
its a good start neurotica!! Good for you!! Keep it up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: julietsfate
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 10:42am
Fool, I rook your advice. I had some ME time yesterday. I didn't obsess over my A like I always do. I finished up my craft project and it looks good. I feel so proud of myself. Thanks for you tips. It really helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: julietsfate
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 5:50pm
Can you tell which of these self help books did you read?? I was browing Amazon.com and so a lot of books over there. Which ones do you recomend or were recomended to you?? Thanks

GF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: julietsfate
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:13am
Hey _ I just saw your message. I can't remember - it's been over a year ago, halleluja! I jotted down some I can recall but I'll do some research and post some book ideas later this week.

I know "The Commitment Cure" is a new one I read recently and loved - it's about "ambivalent men," which would apply to MMs.

The Dance of Anger is an old standby -- also not specifically about affairs, but about personal issues that help set you up for an affair.

Codependent No MOre by Melody Beatty is a good one too -- anything by Melody Beatty.

One that a friend sugggested was "Self Matters" by the doc who started out on the Oprah show.

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