I am back and need you guys!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
I am back and need you guys!
1
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:05am
WOW!! Where to begin this post.

I am sorry to report that NC is NOT working for me. I just can't find it in me to have OM completely out of my life. I have tried it all. I have tried thinking about how much he has totally made me angry in the past, and I have thought about a million reasons why this relationship would never work, and I have thought about this man that I have in my life now, BF, I am no longer M. NOTHING works. My OM has always been single, until now, even during the A, other than a few dates here and there, and a serious relationship in the beginning of our A, and I was always the one M until now.

Fast forward to now...

OM and I have been in contact for a couple of weeks now. Not daily, just every few days for maybe an hour or so online. Until day before yesterday. We spent ALL day online together, casually talking and laughing, and it felt good. Thats the best I have felt in a long time. He opened up to me and told me that he wants to have children with me, family, house, all the great things in a relationship, but doesnt see how it is going to work. He lives about 7 or 8 hours from me. I can't move from where I am due to joint custody of my daughter since the divorce and he can't leave where he is, he just bought a home and has been stable in his job since high school. Many years. And his family is there and mine here. Problem is, he is engaged to be married in less than a month... he is having second thoughts but not enough to call it off yet.

After having this great and wonderful talk with him a couple of days ago, we havent spoken. He seems to get these "guilty" feelings. He has not come right out and told me this, but we have been together for over 4 years now and I know him pretty well. Yes, we have met... we met through family, not internet. Yes we have spent alot of time together in the flesh... etc etc. This relationship goes alot deeper than online. People do not get guilty feelings unless their heart strings are playing tug-o-war. If you are in a relationship that you care nothing about, meaning if he didnt care about me or love me, then he would have no reason to feel guilty. He could move on with this new girl and completely let me go. I am not offering him anything right now that is so significant that he would have reason to keep me in his life. Yet, he doesnt want me going anywhere.

OM has had other "serios" relationships since we ended the A, and ALL of those women are COMPLETELY out of his life. He changed his phone numbers, etc to keep them away, yet I have all the new numbers, e-mails, etc. He has no problem with having me in his life... says he loves me... and yet isn't sure it will work because of the distance. I can see his point of view. But man it hurts like hell.

I feel like maybe we both have more to go through before it is our time to be together. Maybe he needs to experience this other woman, and marriage before we have a chance. He is younger than me by 5 years and maybe he still needs to grow more. I have no idea what to do about this situation. I want to be here for him as he was for me during my marriage, and I want to offer all the support I can, and in the meantime us both just live our lives and if it meant to happen, it will in the future.... but I cant handle hearing about him buying wedding gifts... and mind you he never seems excited about it.. and I cant handle his Fiance talking to me... which she does quite often. She gets online and talks to me like I am her best friend, simply because she knows that he and I are very close. There is so much, and I am down to smoking a pack of cigs a day, crying until I cant cry anymore, and at the same time, being so overwhelmed with joy to be talking to him. Makes no sense to me.

Anyone else going through this??? Would love for you to share your stories.

Just need to know that there are others out there struggling.

H2H

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:55am
Hi Here 2 Help. You have helped me so much that I just had to respond. It sounds to me like your problem is the distance. If neither of you can move, then how is the relationship going to work? I can see where your OM is coming from. He is also afraid the distance will keep the relationship from working, so he is hanging on to this other woman to keep from ending up by himself. I say she is his second choice, but he is hanging on to her until he knows if you and he can work it out. I hope that you can find some way to work out the distance problem. One of you will have to move in order to make it work. I hope you do something soon before he decides that it can't work and marries this other woman. If you love him, fight for him. There's got to be a way that you can work something out. Good luck.