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| Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:55pm |
I don't want to talk to him. I know there is no going back for us. We have managed to ruin everything we had. Anything that was good is gone.
I am counting the days until it may be appropriate to talk. I am not thinking that if I give it some time we will get back. I just want him to be gone from my thoughts and memory for ever! I have never said this but I wish I never started with him.
My only feeling towards him right now is that I want him to know how much he hurt me. And I want him to feel bad and hurt..just a little! I hate thinking he will just go on without a thought of this. I deserve more than that! I know in time that will pass too but I wish it so much right now!
And for the first time EVER in 2 years I am thinking my H with all of his faults doesn't deserve a wife that cries over another man! I want to go back to when I thought being his wife was the greatest thing ever and it was all I needed! I don't know if I can ever get there!
How did my life end up here?

(Read my comments today (#18 or 19 I think) in "Greatest Gift..." board in this section. We HAD to end it because his daughter walked in on us. Now she has the burden of keeping our secret from her mom and everyone else in order to keep her family together. MM told her that it was the first time, so it would be easier for her.)
Back to your issue...it's safe to say all of us have the same regret about ending a relationship that we know is wrong, yet meant so much to us. You say you are glad it has ended but you want that one last talk. That is the kiss of death. The best thing for you (and me!) is to cease the contact . Otherwise we will never be able to move on -- to hopefully rebuilding a better relationship with our H.
"And for the first time EVER in 2 years I am thinking my H with all of his faults doesn't deserve a wife that cries over another man!"
Most of us see-saw until we can simply no longer justify the behaviour required in sustaining the EMA. For some it's an epiphany moment, in others it can be a gradual petering out.
The just-friends thing almost never works. The doors left open and wiggle-room aside, if you really think about it, Bria, how many of your other friends enable & encourage you to lie to, cheat on & betray people you love? How many of your friends do you encourage to this less than stellar behaviour?
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Eek, which is it, honey?
Think hard, Bria, what is there really left to say? What questions cannot be answered by "because he chooses to remain with his wife and I choose to remain with my husband"? This is someone with whom you have had an inappropriate relationship, Bria. There will never be a time when it is appropriate to talk to him again...unless, of course, you wish to expose your soft white underbelly just one last time to remind yourself what it feels like when the knife goes in so you know for certain how it feels in order that you may commit it to memory.
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Bria, honey, he *KNOWS* how much he's hurt you. You've told him in a thousand different ways, and he continues to do so *ONLY* because you permit him to do so & continue giving him opportunities! You give him openings with which to hurt you and are surprised when he stabs your soft white underbelly yet again. Denying him the opportunity of hurting you by going NC is the only way he cannot hurt you yet one more time.
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We can only ever be responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. He'll hurt or he won't - he doesn't need your help to feel these things. You and he have a history, it will be remembered. If you don't leave it alone you run the risk of being remembered as the exaffair partner who couldn't let go, risked both marriages, & became a pest.
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The bad news is he'll never be gone from your memory. The good news is you are ready for NC.
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The bad news is you DID start with him and without a time machine it's impossible to reverse history. The good news is you have the power to END it, too. You cannot change what has happened, but you can begin to heal and reclaim the Bria with integrity, honesty and belief in herself to re-emerge.
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Yes, you do. Rigorously maintained NC will ensure you get it.
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Time is your friend, Bria, what you do with that time is crucial. As ever, you have a choice. You can spend your time pining for exMM and hang yourself up on what-if's and if-only's -or- you can spend it filling your moments with new & exciting experiences, forging a better relationship with DH & your family, and making your own memorable moments. Break the habits, for example I have appalling handwriting so I took up calligraphy which effectively kept me away from the computer which was my major method of communication with exOM. It also gave me something completely different to be thinking about, something "mine" rather than a reminder of anything that might have been considered "ours."
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IC is marvellous for dealing with our own issues and MC is wonderful for working on the sagging foundation of our marriages, identifying core issues and giving us the tools to effectively deal with them. DH & I actually enjoy the maintenance work on the foundation these days. It's important to realise, too, that no one can be everything to us and it's a hell of a burden on whoever has to carry that responsibility. IC helped me to learn that the missing part of myself was in ME rather than anyone else and the void that needed filling can only be filled by ME. I thoroughly recommend finding a therapist/counsellor that YOU click with.
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Oh that's an easy one! All that has happened, you chose to happen - not necessarily in one swell foop, but certainly a series of choices were made which have led you right here, right now. As Captain of your very own ship, you plotted a course to your exact co ordinates. This location doesn't seem to be working for you, so where is your next port of call? Where will you steer the good ship Briatan?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
You are a very wise woman!! Thank you so much!
I meant that I don't have the desire to talk to him and I am NOT counting the days like I did before. Sorry that was unclear. There is nothing to say but I can't believe knowing how upset I was last night (I have never cried and let him see before) he didn't call me or email me. he has alwasy responded after a fight or an email tellign him I was upset. That is the only thing that is sticking with me right now. Him thinking that I really overreated or let my emotions get the best of me. I don't feel bad about being emotional b/c I did care and had every right to. It is eating at me that he doesn't care!
I am seeing a counselor (just started a few weeks agao). I am not worried that I will want MM back. I mean I know I will have sad days and days I miss him but all the good is gone. I believe that. My problem is I hate when someone gets the better of me. I mean if I had a "friend" of any sort who was hurting I'd reach out. So what does that say about my MM?
Right now I just want to get through the day without contacting him and yelling at him for letting me handle this on my own. If I can get past that feeling I will be fine.
Thanks so much
Once again you cease to amaze me. Your posts are explicitedly awesome! I know I speak for others and wish to thank you for showing us such strength and wisdom.
~True~
Edited 9/17/2004 8:31 am ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
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Good stuff :)
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So say NOTHING! Right?!
<<<...but I can't believe knowing how upset I was last night (I have never cried and let him see before) he didn't call me or email me. he has alwasy responded after a fight or an email tellign him I was upset. That is the only thing that is sticking with me right now. Him thinking that I really overreated or let my emotions get the best of me. I don't feel bad about being emotional b/c I did care and had every right to.>>>
Yes, you had every right to express your emotions, honey. What can he do/say to make it better, Bria? If he says anything he risks the very real chance that you think he's leaving the door open. If he does anything he risks the real chance you think he's leaving the door open. The door is closed. This means there's another door that's just opened. Will you walk through it? Or are you gonna stand there looking at a closed door?
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Oh I suspect he probably does care, but his wife & family are quite rightly his priority. And again, what can he realistically say or do? Nothing. There aren't many Hallmark cards for ending an EMA because there's just nothing that can be said. Would a friend keep another friend from his or her priorities or want to be put before those important priorities? Just friends simply doesn't work for many of us.
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I loved IC. "All the good is gone," is a very good way of looking at this. Saying it and meaning it are two very different things. I was guilty of knowing this very fact and still wanting it for a long time afterwards. Only NC kept me from falling all over myself to try and put the good back in (and you can't).
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No one got the better of either of you - you gave your best away, Bria. More realistically, you got the best from each other and sucked that particular well dry. "All the good is gone." See? It works. It's your new mantra :)
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It says that any friendship you might have once had is gone, right along with all the good. Friends don't enable & encourage lying, cheating and betrayal so you ceased being friends when you both began doing so.
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A whole day was too enormous a concept for me, Bria. Instead I broke it down into 15min periods. I will busy myself for 15mins and for the next 15mins I will NOT contact exOM for ANY reason whatsoever. Little baby steps works if you just make certain those steps are forward, not back. And Bria? You WILL be fine.
On All Sides I saw someone describe an EMA as "something unhealthy in me was attracted to something unhealthy in someone else." Perfect description. Let's all agree to not feed the unhealthy bits of ourselves.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie