I am building an army
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| Wed, 03-24-2010 - 6:40pm |
Ok gang- I am coming to you today to call you into battle... albeit my battle, I sure could use your support.
Those of you familiar with my story know that I work with my xap- not on a daily basis, but rather frequently throughout the year. At day 55 NC, I've managed to avoid working with him. I canceled one photo shoot last week and sent one of my co-workers to another. I've done all I can to self protect because I know that I am NOT ready to see him. I don't know if I can handle the flood of emotions that will smack me in the face.
So, after pulling out all the stops and trying my darndest to avoid a photo shoot next week, it looks like Tuesday will be my big day. It will be the day that I have to see him and work closely with him to pull off a shoot. It's the day that i have to walk back into the studio where I left him in tears 55 days ago. It's the day I have to walk back into the studio where so many of our time together was spent.
Here's where you come in. I need my army of girls behind me when I head into that studio. I need your words emblazoned on my brain like battle cries. I need techniques to arm me for this battle.
This is me, reaching out to all of you for support as I face my hardest test in this journey yet. You all have so much insight and wisdom... I need that heading into this.

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Jane,
I love this idea! I can't imagine what you must be feeling......
But!
You are an AMAZING woman! Your strength and inspiration have kept me going. You are an awesome example of a woman who is turning her life around and is so dignified and strong. That strength comes from INSIDE of you, and it never leaves you.
Sign me up for your army. I might not be the best at slaying this thing on my own, but I sure as hell can stand behind you and support you during this time :) Count me in.
I will not be alone with him- that I have made sure of. I am bringing one of my art directors and possibly an intern. I will do all I can to avoid being alone with him. But I have not seen him in 55 days... it will be 61 that day... so just being in the same room with him has me in a panic even now.
Arm me with your mantras ladies... what do you say to yourself when you need that boost? What do you think of when faced with such a situation... or if you haven't been faced with this situation, just give me your phrases, your tidbits... anything. I plan to have a note written to myself with all of your lovely words of support to read if I need it. So that I can go in there with my head held high. I do not want him to see my pain, but I am so afraid he will.
Hazel- thank you so much for your kind words. That really means a lot. I sometimes feel so weak in this struggle, but I know that if I keep looking ahead and taking one day at a time, that I will come out on the other side of this. I will escape from this wreckage for good.
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
kUDOS to you for ending your affair.
It is giong to be TOUGH seeing him.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
It is not a mantra, but a piece of a letter that I keep on the desktop of my computer when i have to see him. It reminds me what courage is ...:
" ... That's why it took great courage for you to end it. Because courage is what is required when we don't really think much of ourselves and yet opt to make a serious decision, in our own best interests. For what you had to do was take a leap of faith, faith in yourself. You had to act as if you believed you were worthy, even though you weren't so sure. And what's comforting you now, is the awareness that you did the right thing, for you. You stood up for yourself. You removed yourself from the indignity of your situation..."
Do not make eye contact ... at my last meeting this was essential! The eyes tell all. I made sure i felt comfortable in my clothes, that I was well rested - thank you gravol - and I told myself how proud I would be when I made it through that day. That there would never be that "first" time feeling again when it came to seeing him. 61 days - each one of those has been a test. That will be a graduation.
My best & you will be in my thoughts,
Jodi
Hi, Jane.
I'm enlisting! The mantra that works best for me is "I'm free!"
Nothing about XAP matters now. Freedom feels so good. Having "me" back feels so good. I was in a meeting with XAP today at work and the only thing I thought about was how I don't have to plan my life around him any more.
You're a free woman, Jane. Go in there on day 61 with your head held high. You will get through it, because you're strong. You're my hero, and I'm in your army!
(((hugs)))
CSN
Ou Ou (E1 with hand up)!
I’m qualified by deep study in the art of verbal taekwondo and gym kick boxing work outs combined with Zumba which means I repeat the same kick or punch for a count of eight and then do a salsa move in between changes.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Jane,
Just imagine that all of your EAS sisters will be there in spirit. I know that you have learned a great deal in the last 2 months, so don't underestimate your strength. Sure, it will be uncomfortable seeing him after all of this time, but like someone else already suggested, don't look him in the eye, or even his way if you can help it. Just look past him. Be your professional self, get the job done, and then get the heck out of Dodge.
And please try to stop obsessing about this. He's JAM, no more, no less.
((Hugs))
~Iddy~
Jane,
I'll enlist! You are facing a huge battle but I have every confidence you'll triumph. Look, what's the worst thing that can happen? You'll have a wobbly? Ain't no thing! You've gotten through those wobblies before! You'll deal with this one. Do you fear you'll fall back into the A? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. You've come too far; you're too strong and clear for that. Don't be fearful, be confident; you're not the same woman you were two months ago. Gird your loins (ahahahahah, that cracks me up to type it!) and put on your battle armor. I'd go on about 'sword of truth' and 'shield of enlightenment' but it's just too cheesy and I'm getting the giggles. BUT, ykwim!
The only mantra i can think of for that situation is of (feigned) indifference, as in, (employ eyeroll and tsk!) "Whatevah!" Get a little ghetto with your I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar, and just say to yourself and everyone else with your Bad-A$$ attitude, "I am here to be ferosh and FABOOSH." Do your thang, Girl. This is your career, you're good at it - this is about YOU being amazing at what you do -- not about HIM.
Strength, courage, love and support,
Dee
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