I am building an army

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
I am building an army
18
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 6:40pm

Ok gang- I am coming to you today to call you into battle... albeit my battle, I sure could use your support.

Those of you familiar with my story know that I work with my xap- not on a daily basis, but rather frequently throughout the year. At day 55 NC, I've managed to avoid working with him. I canceled one photo shoot last week and sent one of my co-workers to another. I've done all I can to self protect because I know that I am NOT ready to see him. I don't know if I can handle the flood of emotions that will smack me in the face.

So, after pulling out all the stops and trying my darndest to avoid a photo shoot next week, it looks like Tuesday will be my big day. It will be the day that I have to see him and work closely with him to pull off a shoot. It's the day that i have to walk back into the studio where I left him in tears 55 days ago. It's the day I have to walk back into the studio where so many of our time together was spent.

Here's where you come in. I need my army of girls behind me when I head into that studio. I need your words emblazoned on my brain like battle cries. I need techniques to arm me for this battle.

This is me, reaching out to all of you for support as I face my hardest test in this journey yet. You all have so much insight and wisdom... I need that heading into this.

Jane
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 10:32am

I got your back!....haha...You now have a full army to go packing into that photo shoot.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 11:22am

Although I am new to your story, I am not new to your struggle. I am now 8 months into my NC and I have used this time to heal my M with my forgiving H. It was tough in the beginning, but each day gets easier.

Like you, my NC gets challenged every once in a while. I make as many adjustments as I can to remain in NC, but when the unavoidable occurs, I find that the greatest strength I have within myself is the love I have for my H and the desire I have to heal my M. Here is how I approach my LC.

My XAP knew just how to push my emotional buttons and resurface desire for the fantasy. So I don’t allow him the opportunity to be close to me or look into my eyes. We may be in the same room, but I do not allow a personal connection.

The fantasy was an addiction, so I don’t take the drug. I don’t allow comments like “How have you been?” or “How are you?” to become invitations to open my soul.

Nothing about the A was funny, so I don’t allow opportunities to engage in laughter.

But most importantly, the A crushed my H so I have learned to use occurrences of LC to repay my H for his forgiveness. Nothing means more to my H than when I choose him.

So I’ll make a lunch appointment with my H on the day of my LC at a place that my H enjoys or one that we share together. I’ll secretly text my H during my LC. I’ll make a point to do something special for my H on the day of my LC to make him feel important. Consuming my thoughts with my H removes any opportunity my XAP might have to slip between the cracks or sneak up behind me.

As I walk away from my LC and end my day with my H, the feeling is indescribable and the strength I gain is exponential. My H never has to know why I did the things that I did that day. He simply feels appreciated and that is how I need to make him feel. This is what I do to heal myself and my M. This is where I get my strength. Nothing is more rewarding.

LM33

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 11:43am

Thank you so much for your post LM33.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 1:56pm

I have to see xap on a regular basis for a mutual non-work situation that can't be avoided.


When I see him and start feeling all dreamy and weak in the knees, I try to think about all the humilitating situations he put me in, and how when he knew his wife was going to blast me at our non-work event, he conveniently stayed home that day.


UGH - Works every time.


Or else, just

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 2:14pm

THANK YOU ALL! I am overwhelmed.

Your responses are spectacular. I don't even know where to begin. You've certainly given me a lot of support and food for thought. I feel like I have an entire arsenal of ammo at my finger tips.

Iddy- Thank you for reminding me not to obsess. We all know how dangerous that can be. And I am really trying to not to obsess, though I want to be prepared. DO NOT OBSESS will be at the top of my arsenal and I will read it as much as I need to.

Jodi- Thank you for this: " ... That's why it took great courage for you to end it. Because courage is what is required when we don't really think much of ourselves and yet opt to make a serious decision, in our own best interests. For what you had to do was take a leap of faith, faith in yourself. You had to act as if you believed you were worthy, even though you weren't so sure. And what's comforting you now, is the awareness that you did the right thing, for you. You stood up for yourself. You removed yourself from the indignity of your situation..."

That will come in very handy in the next few days. Thank you for sharing it.

LM3- Thank you for this: The fantasy was an addiction, so I don’t take the drug. I don’t allow comments like “How have you been?” or “How are you?” to become invitations to open my soul.
Nothing about the A was funny, so I don’t allow opportunities to engage in laughter. But most importantly, the A crushed my H so I have learned to use occurrences of LC to repay my H for his forgiveness. Nothing means more to my H than when I choose him.

And Brighterdays for adding to that: Take a picture from your wedding and put it in your purse. Remind yourself of what a gift he has given you by forgiving you, more than once.

My H and I did survive 3 DDays. I often think of things from his perspective to keep myself in check. He and I are the team now. Xap has nothing on my H and I am so so so grateful for his forgiveness. I would not want to do anything to betray him again. I am certain he would not stick around for a 4th DDay. By letting xap in, I am literally throwing away my M and that is NOT what I want. I think I will have H on speed dial that day. His voice alone will help me persevere.

And the rest of these things will be on hand as well:
Do not make eye contact
Look and feel my best: wear something comfy that I look great in
Be well rested
Imagine his family and him going home to them
Remind myself that I had no choice but to walk away
Repeat: I am what matters most
Repeat: I am free
Remind myself not to be fearful, but rather confident; I am not the same woman I was two months ago.
Picture my xAP having to ask a hard-of-hearing pharmacist in a crowded pharmacy for the anal itch cream.
I will be my professional self, get the job done, and then get the heck out of Dodge.
This is my career, I am good at it - this is about ME being amazing at what I do -- not about HIM.
He is no longer in my life (period!!!!!)

And I will certainly put a rubber band on my wrist and snap it hard every time I start remember the good stuff with xap.

Jane
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 2:21pm

LM3- I just had to say thank you! Your post in response to Jane was excellent!!! I loved what you said about nothing was funny, so you don't joke..... and how you secretly send messages to your H during LC.... I am going to reread this.

Jane- please let us know how it goes. We are all behind you, and you can do this. :)

Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 10:50pm

dear jane,
xap is just a guy. he was not your "best friend" --as you said, best friends set boundaries. he did not protect you. he chose his wife, not you. the last letter he wrote to you could have been written by any one of our xap's. it wasn't special. your affair was just like all of ours. he can offer nothing you need. in your wisdom you realized this and you are now investing in your marriage, building YOUR one wild and beautiful life.
make love to your husband in the morning before you go to work. you will go in feeling relaxed, the tension will melt away, you will feel fabulous, sexy and desired---by the man who HAS chosen you and HAS stayed with you. you will be in my thoughts.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 10:41am

ah, this is so sweet. I LOVE this.
Jane, have a date night with H planned for after (or before) your confrontation with A$$clown. what do you think? If you're broke, like I am, and can't hit the local romantic restaurant, at least do dinner at home with candles or, you know, whatever you and H do that is all about you guys! It's about redirecting your focus away from xAP and to RL.

xo
Dee

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