I am falling apart
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| Wed, 11-17-2004 - 12:54pm |
NC...........its gets easier right.
I did not call.......I posted yesterday that I wanted to so badly - I am fighting it again.
I kept myself busy last night - but I woke up this morning and I feel dead.
I am supposed to want this - to get over my A and to get over the fact that everything my xMM said in all my other posts, probably was not true. Even Friday morning when he said that he was doing horrible and felt terrible, and that he wanted to hold me - but we cant.....
I have to see him on Sunday at my house....all the H's are watching a game - and the W's are meeting at my house to go to lunch and a movie (not my IDEA!!!!!!!!!)
With as crazy as he said his W has been and having the cell phone statement as proof of our A........I will be very humble I am sure.
But to see him..........Its going to crush me. Even more because I am supposed to want NC....but I dont - I miss him so much, and it hurts that he has gone the longest in not calling me.
I dont think I really felt the finality of it - until yesterday..........his care for me is gone.

Anna,
From what I remember your going through the normal grieving cycle. I think you need to stop bein sad and get mad. How dare him come over as if nothing was ever wrong! Typical for a man while your dying inside. Mean while your staying away from having a life because it would be uncomfortable for you but its not for him. Think of it that way and be mad it will help you get over this hill. Plus my dear you need to first want to get over him, I know its hard and we all have our days as you know I do to but we manage to get to the next day and pretty soon it will be behind us.
JMHO
Soul
But he when I talked to him last week - he said he was horrible.......he said things were going so badly in every aspect......
Am I analyzing too much - that is something he always said - I think too much.
His coming over for the games is something that he has ALWAYS done....it would be unusual for him not too.....
I guess I am not dealing with this so well because, 30 txts a day and 2 to 3 calls a day turned into 1 call a day about 2 weeks ago..........and slowly tapered off.....
He can not be happy - I know that he is not........but his guilt.....I wonder if it is stronger now.....
I WANT TO CALL SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How can I stop this!!
Anna,
Correct me if I am wrong please. But what I am hearing is not that you miss him,
I miss him. I miss us. And we wanted a life together - but we both new we could not because we are married. And he always has said - it would be different for us once we were not married to other people.
His getting a D is going to be a longer process - and very difficult -
Mine - is mutual with my H
Honestly - yes, I do miss the attention and the caring I felt from xMM. We called it Our Universe. And we agreed it was and is still very special to us even a few weeks ago when we had not seen eachother for 2 weeks because we ended the A.
I know this man and have known him for 8 years - This is not like him.
Bah! I'm sorry I didn't know your story. I didn't realize you intend to divorce and I gather eventually have a relationship with this man?
I cannot relate to your situation at all I'm afraid. I'm sorry if my post offended you in anyway.
*hugs*
Someday