I am finally done

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2009
I am finally done
7
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 2:44pm
This is my first time posting in EAS. I have posted in MAS and have gotten alot of good advice. It's been three days now NC and I can honestly say I feel ok with it. I think I have finally had enough. I have been in this A for over 2 years and it's been a rollercoaster. I know that was a very unhealthy relationship but I continued to be right there. My A has drained me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I began proving every move I made to him and was always walking on eggshells. My DH has stood by me through everything. He did not know that I continued to talk him though. I miss ex AP and 3 days is just a start. I can actually put my phone down and not worry I am going to miss a text. ex AP was my addiction and there was nothing I would'nt do for this man. What I got from him was NOTHING! Well alot of worry, pain, and misery. I know I am going to need strength from this board and I am on every day to help me get on with my life. I am not sure if you can read prior postings by me but if you can maybe you will have a better understanding of where I am now. It helps so much to know that there are people out there that truly understand. How am I going to stop missing him? I still reach for my cell phone every time it goes off. I did start running though. I love it. I leave my phone home for the very first time. I think I need reassurance I can do it. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
In reply to: mab73
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 8:30pm

Congrats on your ending, mab73, and welcome. Isn't it sobering to realize there is nothing you wouldn't do for the man you think you love, and he wouldn't even lift a finger for you? Believe me, we all BTDT. Some things I've done for my x make me cringe now...boy, he sure felt loved...too bad he didn't feel like returning the favor:)

I was totally numb the very first week after the ending. Not a tear shed. Then second week it finally hit me...couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and crying non-stop. It took few more weeks to become semi-functional. So prepare yourself for some very intense emotions. We'll be here for you to listen and to support you. It's a day by day struggle and some days will be harder than others, but every single day pain will grow less, even when you don't feel it and think you'll never be happy again. Then one day you will wake up and wouldn't immediately think of him and will be sooo shocked by it...that's when I knew I was getting better:)

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2009
In reply to: mab73
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:51pm
Thank you so much for responding. You are so right It's been only three days now and I have not shed a tear. It feels so weird because I have always cried for xap. I know without a shadow of a doubt he felt very loved by me and I NEVER did get that favor back. exap told me he does not want to feel anything for me and he never gave me 100%. I gave him 110% I cant wait to feel whole again. With the help of everyone here I know I can do this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: mab73
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:58pm

Mab~


Welcome to EAS and if you keep reading here, you will get all of the reassurance you need that you are doing the right thing. Just listen to what others are saying. Read the Healing Library every chance you get,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2009
In reply to: mab73
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 6:46am

You are so right the phone has been attached to my hip for 2 years for sure. I would even sleep with it just in case he texted me. (pretty sad) I had a very hard day yesterday normally I am always helping xap with getting my clients in the apartment complex he rents and I heard through a director the ones I had in there were going to be moving. It took my everything not to run to him to help. I felt so sad. I broke down at work. Was so depressed. BUT I DID NOT CALL. That was the hardest thing for me. I miss him so very much but I am not missing the rollercoaster feelings. It's been five days and It seems to be getting harder. Is it because I know it's over for good? I am so thankful to have people here to help because I am afraid it going to get worse before it gets better. I have tried to stay busy and I think of him. I still find myself gabbing my phone when I first wake up It is so weird. I need so much help. I knew it was to good to be true the way I felt when he first left Any suggestions on how to keep going without contacting him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
In reply to: mab73
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 6:58am

Hey Mab,
Good job on deciding to end your A. I know its hard, but you know its the right thing to do. I know all too well about the waking up and grabbing your phone first thing routine. I did it for three weeks after I started NC. But the day I woke up and didn't do it felt great! I was so proud of myself. I felt a sense of accomplishment. It was also nice to not have to take my phone everywhere with me anymore. I can actually leave it laying around the house. I remember one time when I was deep in the A me and my husband were watching a movie. I got up to go to the bathroom and I took my phone. My husband chuckled at me and asked why I needed my phone in the bathroom with me and I told him that I was going to go ahead and set my alarm. How pathetic! I was so scared that my xAP would text me that I wouldn't lay it down. Ugh, the things we do!

Just remember when you get an urge to contact come here and read or post until it goes away. That's what I did and it helped so much. I know the first few weeks are the hardest. Hang in there. Big hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2009
In reply to: mab73
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 7:15pm
Thank You for reassuring me its going to all work out. I had to laugh at you taking the cell phone in the bathroom. I always had my phone right at the hip. And when I went to the bathroom I always rought mine with me LOL. If I took a shower I would hide my phone in my pocket and silence it. CRAZY!!! I miss xap so much and I am doing the best I can right now. I have a long way to go but I have been trying so very hard to stay strong. I have not went on his FB but I will tell you I always think about it!! I cant wait to be able to say what the hell was I thinking?? Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: mab73
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 9:41pm

Welcome MAB,


Good that you have made it here. You will find a great bunch of ladies here to help and support you here.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida