I am going Cold Turkey but I have a ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
I am going Cold Turkey but I have a ?
7
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 9:13am
I dont mean to sound like an idiot... but when he calls Mon. morn do I just not answer or do I answer and say its over, no more contact. I am just afraid if I tell him that, he will start that freakin sweet talk... and I will give in. And that sweet talk will include that we can still be friends and talk. I dont want to be his freakin friend... I tried that and it doesnt work. And if I dont answer he will text message me during the day. And by then I will be so weak from not answering his phone call, I will give in. I know... I need to grow a backbone... do please dont blast me. Please everyone pray that I am strong. (Just some background... He was married, now he is divorced and dating someone. (His W left him for another) I cant handle it. Is it wrong for me to be upset? He says I am not being fair to him by understanding...and he still will not let me let go.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 9:32am
Your not an idiot!! You have just gotten wrapped up in something that probably wasnt right from the beginning, like the rest of us. You've done better than me, in the fact that YOU have decided its over cold turkey. So, to me, you have already made that decision and he is still pursuing you. If you feel he is going to sweet talk you, then dont answer and dont talk to him, sooner or later he will stop calling. You have to pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing and ending it, now you just have to keep being strong so you dont cave. I guess its easy for me to sit here and tell you that, kind of hypocritical, as I still dont have the guts to do that. But youve taken the first step, and you need to go through with it.

i guess I am just wondering, if he is D, why did you and him never pursue a relationship?? You dont have to answer, but I am just asking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 9:55am
hi there Greeneyed--

I think you should tell him that you want no more contact--otherwise he will continue to call and you will need to continue to ignore him. It might be easier to TM or email that to him -- then he can't start that sweet talk ;-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 11:08am
Hi sbrollercoaster,

I don't think you are an idiot. You are doing this like a trouper. Unlike me for 4 years, I lived with guilt and shame, until I got a back bone and ended my A with XMM. It has been 1 month and one week since I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't ignore my feelings anymore. And then it was just last week that I told him that we could no longer have any contact with each other at all. I wanted to be there for him I wanted to still be a good friend and support for him. But THAT just didn't work, that only made things worst. I hate hurting him. Since the brake up 4 weeks ago he has tried every thing you can think of to get me back. Because we work for the same company, I still see him from time to time, and it hurts every time to see him feeling so hurt. But I just couldn't keep up the deception of accepting my life with him.

So coddles to you, you are an inspiration.

                                    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 11:37am
Well it is a little complicated... we work for the same company. I am in the superior position... he doesnt work for me exactly. However, in my position it would not be acceptable. Everytime I bring up the fact that I cannot handle him dating he says ...well your married. He has never came out and asked me to leave. Which we discussed our relationships with our H & W along time ago. I told him then that when my oldest graduates next year I was leaving. Dont get me wrong... my homelife is not troubled. We have just grown apart. Thank you for your support. And really I am getting cold feet about "cold turkey". My head says one thing and I feel really strong and then my heart takes over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 11:56am
Oh my goodness... Its amazing what support from people who know can do. There has been absolutely no one I can talk to about this. No I dont feel very inspiring... I am worried I cant go thru but then again I cannot imagine living another 2 years in this living #$%^. I hope you continue to stay strong. I understand exactly about worrying about hurting him. Then after losing 35 lbs... I started thinking I need to be worrying about me. But I cant help it... I want him to be happy, but I cant stand by and watch and hear about it as a friend. So NC is the best and only way. But do you ever wonder if you moved unto another position with another company things would be different? When you stopped contact...did you ever feel at some point in time you would be back together? I hope these questions dont make you backtrack. I just want to know if I am holding on to unrealistic expectations. Well wait a minute... that is unrealistic. I just want to know if that is what others experience. I think that is why I dont want to hurt him...I dont want him to begin to hate me because when the timing is right for both of us I want to try again... and that may be years and I am Ok with that. I just worry he will fall in love with another. But that is romanticism for you. It would never be as good.

I too will see him from time to time... I am scared. But I will make it. Thanks again!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 12:24pm


FACT: He is your LOVE TERRORIST, holding you hostage.....you cannot think clearly

RESOLUTION: By getting rid of him, you will be able to reclaim parts, then all of you. You will be able to think clearly.

In response to your questions:

If he calls, DO NOT TALK TO HIM...no matter what. No excuses...that includes if it's his birthday, mama sick, canine needs new set of teeth, etc...do not talk to him. If he somehow does get you on the phone (AND FORCE YOURSELF), lie through your teeth, say things like..."cannot talk now, need to go to pharmacy..." "have to run errands..." . If he is knocking on your door, do not answer it. Bottom line: he is a LOVE TERRORIST, loves the way how he has control over you...men ain't stupid!


But then...IT ALL DEPENDS UPON YOU. What do you really want? If you want THAT man to SCRAM! from your life (or at least for awhile until you get your acts together), you need to guard yourself...that might include changing phone numbers, block e-mails, avoid him entirely. You need to work on removing him from your radar screen.....Once that is accomplished, you will be able to think clearly and figure how you want him to fit, play in your life. By then, you will be stronger, think RATIONALLY, all facts in front of you.



Ask yourself this: can you forsee yourself go through his BS by NEXT CHRISTMAS 2005, still feel the same way today (Oct 31, 2004)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:47am
SBrollercoaster,

I'm the poster child for COLD TURKEY! It means exactly what it reads....

No goodbyes no answering his questions as to why or anything! Its going on with your life as if it didn't happen. Yes I asked my self,What am I going to do for his birthday? I can't just let it go bye with out wishing him a happy birthday? But then if I do that will give him the slightest idea that I want to pursue this and that is the last thing I wanted so yes his birthday has come & gone as will christmas and New year. I have made my mind to stop this ride and I'm sticking to it. So as to your questions, NO you shouldn't answer his phone call just let it go if your sure that is what you want. I was sure that my ride was over and the stress was way too much for me to deal with anylonger. Good luck to you and in the end only you can decide on the final straw! Take care & Good luck

Soul