I am here again, broken but determined to finally let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2012
I am here again, broken but determined to finally let go
5
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 1:56am

I first posted here in Sept. wanting this thing between MM and I to end. I realize now, I wasn't ready to let go then. Things are different now, and I have no choice to let go.

I am married too -- our relationship is mostly emotional, we have been physical though we've never went all the way. I've tried to lessen my contact with him over the past few months and for the most part I did, but it was still that type of relationship where we talked and flirted -- we have a working relationship together.

About 2 weeks ago I had a dream about his wife, his kids and dreamt that he and his wife had renewed their vows on a beach. I woke up so bothered by this, since I have known him (almost 1.5 years now) he has told me that they've had a strained relationship and stay together out of necessity to take care of their 5 young kids. Strangely, it led me to google her name and I found her social media account (I've googled her before and never found anything). Her profile photo is a picture of them together smiling - looking happy - which is now burned into my mind and the things on her account indicate she is a happy wife who adores her husband. She was also posting things that appear like they're trying to have another baby. It was like a punch in the gut, I cried in my bed like I child that morning. I felt so betrayed. I felt so stupid, I should have known everything he's ever said has been a lie. Why did I ever think my relationship with AP could be different from what everyone else on here posts? I feel like that dream was sent to me as guidance from above ... to get me out of this irrational dream world I have been living in, wasting away in for the past 18 months.

I never told him what I found online but indicated that I think he's been lying to me. The night I wanted to confront him, he said he couldn't meet me because he had to be with his kids. He told me to call him the next time he was working, but I never did. That was almost 2 weeks ago. This is the longest I've gone NC and some days I feel like I can do this and it becomes so clear to me that I was living a complete fantasy. But then there are moments where I feel so weak, broken, and so sad and just want to call him. I have not heard from him, I think this part hurts me the most. He hasn't even tried to contact me.

But in the middle of feeling so heartbroken, I've also realized how many tears and heartache I have wasted on this man over the past 1.5 years. I have been living in a fog, always waiting for his calls or texts while I let what is real and true in my life just pass me by. I have neglected my husband and child because I have been so consumed with him. I wake up every morning thinking about him, and for what? Nothing. In reality, he has given me nothing. One of my best friends asked me frankly ... you're at least getting sex out of this right? And the answer is no. We never had sex, he does not buy me things, he does not take me out. All we had were phone calls, texts, and a few makeout sessions here and there. In a way, I think that's why this is so hard for me -- I was emotionally attached. In another breath I'm like "what the heck?" I got nothing out of this, what is my problem???

That is my story in a nutshell. I am going on Day 13 NC and praying everyday that these feelings will fade and that slowly I can find a way to live in the moment again and appreciate what is real in my life. I am no longer wiling to accept breadcrumbs when I know I deserve so much more.

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Hi Sosad, I am really sorry to hear how you are suffering, I’ve been exactly where you are now and I know how you feel. I also know that you will get over this, you will get better. You just need to stick with NC and work on healing yourself, give yourself time and space and you will recover. You have had a wake up call, a combination of your dream and checking out xAP’s wife’s profile, and you are seeing things more clearly, the fog is lifting and you are seeing the reality of your situation, and that is a good good thing, although it is upsetting to you, at least you know where you stand and you can move forward with your life. I experienced exactly what you have been experiencing, as have so may people here. You wanted to believe what XAP was telling you, you were willing it all to be true, you were living in a fantasy world hoping that your fantasy would turn into a reality. But your gut was telling you what the reality is, XAP is a happily married man, with a bundle of children, and possibly going to be expanding his family further. Trust your gut Sosad. I think it was Iddy who said when someone shows you who they truly are believe them the first time, and save yourself a whole load of heartache. This man was looking for a way to spice up his life with a bit of excitement and a temporary diversion from his home life, which you kindly provided. He was getting what he wanted and you were not getting what you wanted. So, no more, no more of his crumbs of his time and affections, you deserve to be someone’s everything, not someone’s occasional diversion. Love and hugs, So glad x o x o x
Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012

Hi Sosad, I am really sorry to hear how you are suffering, I’ve been exactly where you are now and I know how you feel. I also know that you will get over this, you will get better. You just need to stick with NC and work on healing yourself, give yourself time and space and you will recover. You have had a wake up call, a combination of your dream and checking out xAP’s wife’s profile, and you are seeing things more clearly, the fog is lifting and you are seeing the reality of your situation, and that is a good good thing, although it is upsetting to you, at least you know where you stand and you can move forward with your life. I experienced exactly what you have been experiencing, as have so may people here. You wanted to believe what XAP was telling you, you were willing it all to be true, you were living in a fantasy world hoping that your fantasy would turn into a reality. But your gut was telling you what the reality is, XAP is a happily married man, with a bundle of children, and possibly going to be expanding his family further. Trust your gut Sosad. I think it was Iddy who said when someone shows you who they truly are believe them the first time, and save yourself a whole load of heartache. This man was looking for a way to spice up his life with a bit of excitement and a temporary diversion from his home life, which you kindly provided. He was getting what he wanted and you were not getting what you wanted. So, no more, no more of his crumbs of his time and affections, you deserve to be someone’s everything, not someone’s occasional diversion. Love and hugs, So glad x o x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2012

Thank you both so much for responding ... as painful as it is, your responses hits home so deeply. All of it is true ... I was that diversion, I can really see that now.

Today I am struggling with the fact that I will no longer have a connection with this man who consumed my thoughts for so long. There are moments in the day I feel so strong and full of conviction over my decision to cut off all contact, then there are times I am filled with tears, disbelief and pain -- how could I have been so wrong about him? To imagine all the talks we shared and times he has said things to me to be all just a game and so many lies -- it hurts me so much to think someone I cared for could lie to me so easily. I cannot belief what a poor judge of character I was when it came to him. How could I have been so blind?

I am now on Day 15 NC and I know each day that passes I am getting stronger. But there are moments of weakness ... like now, where I cannot keep the tears from falling. I am sad ...

Sad over the thought that I cared so much for someone who really didn't give a crap about me. Sad that everytime he canceled plans with me I let it eat away at my self-esteem and wonder why I wasn't good enough. Sad that I thought I had a friend when in essence I was just a fleeting moment -- a diversion. And now he easily moves on, like I didn't happen. And here I am ... struggling to forget everything.

I am struggling, but I pray I can just weather this storm of emotions and take it one day at a time ...

Thank you so much for listening, it helps tremendously just to get these thoughts out. I will definitely join the other board, reading and knowing I am not alone in what I feel helps so so much.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Let me assure you that what you are going through is normal.  Strong one minutes...weak the next.  Really, it's all a part of the process. 

Sometimes I suggest looking through photos and see how you were living life without this man in your life.  Things might not have been perfect, but you were living life without all the angst.  He's not all that and more.  He's JAM..that's just a man..who walks this Planet, and making him sole provider of your wellbeing and happiness is not reasonable...not that we haven't all been there, felt that :)

I'll look for you on the other Board.  Let us know, when you pick your new name, that it is you :)

((hugs))

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2012
Where do I find the other board? Thanks, Sandy:)