I am here again, broken but determined to finally let go
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|Tue, 05-07-2013 - 1:56am|
I first posted here in Sept. wanting this thing between MM and I to end. I realize now, I wasn't ready to let go then. Things are different now, and I have no choice to let go.
I am married too -- our relationship is mostly emotional, we have been physical though we've never went all the way. I've tried to lessen my contact with him over the past few months and for the most part I did, but it was still that type of relationship where we talked and flirted -- we have a working relationship together.
About 2 weeks ago I had a dream about his wife, his kids and dreamt that he and his wife had renewed their vows on a beach. I woke up so bothered by this, since I have known him (almost 1.5 years now) he has told me that they've had a strained relationship and stay together out of necessity to take care of their 5 young kids. Strangely, it led me to google her name and I found her social media account (I've googled her before and never found anything). Her profile photo is a picture of them together smiling - looking happy - which is now burned into my mind and the things on her account indicate she is a happy wife who adores her husband. She was also posting things that appear like they're trying to have another baby. It was like a punch in the gut, I cried in my bed like I child that morning. I felt so betrayed. I felt so stupid, I should have known everything he's ever said has been a lie. Why did I ever think my relationship with AP could be different from what everyone else on here posts? I feel like that dream was sent to me as guidance from above ... to get me out of this irrational dream world I have been living in, wasting away in for the past 18 months.
I never told him what I found online but indicated that I think he's been lying to me. The night I wanted to confront him, he said he couldn't meet me because he had to be with his kids. He told me to call him the next time he was working, but I never did. That was almost 2 weeks ago. This is the longest I've gone NC and some days I feel like I can do this and it becomes so clear to me that I was living a complete fantasy. But then there are moments where I feel so weak, broken, and so sad and just want to call him. I have not heard from him, I think this part hurts me the most. He hasn't even tried to contact me.
But in the middle of feeling so heartbroken, I've also realized how many tears and heartache I have wasted on this man over the past 1.5 years. I have been living in a fog, always waiting for his calls or texts while I let what is real and true in my life just pass me by. I have neglected my husband and child because I have been so consumed with him. I wake up every morning thinking about him, and for what? Nothing. In reality, he has given me nothing. One of my best friends asked me frankly ... you're at least getting sex out of this right? And the answer is no. We never had sex, he does not buy me things, he does not take me out. All we had were phone calls, texts, and a few makeout sessions here and there. In a way, I think that's why this is so hard for me -- I was emotionally attached. In another breath I'm like "what the heck?" I got nothing out of this, what is my problem???
That is my story in a nutshell. I am going on Day 13 NC and praying everyday that these feelings will fade and that slowly I can find a way to live in the moment again and appreciate what is real in my life. I am no longer wiling to accept breadcrumbs when I know I deserve so much more.