I am his fourth affair?
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| Thu, 01-27-2005 - 3:08pm |
I have been in an A for three years. In the beginning of it all I felt as if I could not stop myself, no matter how disrespectful and awful my behavior was as I lusted this other person. This was the strongest feeling. He too is married and had made the first advances so I knew he was interested. After a 6 month emotional affair he disclosed to me he had three prior affairs. His first affair happened five years into his marriage (no kids yet) he loved the other woman and was willing to leave his wife for her but the other woman decided to recommit with her husband. The other two affairs were, as he puts it, nothing. He did not like them enough to get involved. After hearing this I was devastated! I have never cheated on anyone before and here I was contemplating an affair after 13 years of marriage for this jerk - forget it!
Well... I do not know where my head went but we became closer after his secret was revealed and continued our relationship which eventually became physical. I thought I could separate myself - you know do the compartmentalizing thing. It did not work and regardless of his background I became very in love. After reading everyone's posts here I realized I was troubled. My husband and I have a lot to repair in our marriagg (like I need to wait 20 plus years until he and I are too old to have power struggles and vanity issues) and I could see I was desiring to "fix" past hurtful and unhealthy relationships through this affair. I may also be going through a mid-life crisis (woman style so younger then the men :-) I began to really try within myself and my marriage. I did the things I felt would make my marriage better (and it worked okay) but still I was involved in the affair because it was a better relationship.
My other man is very on the fence about his relationship too - too bad to stay yet too good to leave. We both have children and a wonderful home, families close by (he lives 500 miles away from me) and great careers. Despite all this "good" stuff we have in our marriages, he was talking about us being together forever because we do communicate and relate so well together. He would get a job and move the family here and then leave once everyone was settled. I thought that was ruthless but he told me that his wife does want to move here (where I live) because she has family here. She also would like to have a good reason to leave her stressful job (she is very successful).
In the beginning of our relationship we spoke and emailed about once every other day and saw each other once every two to three months and now... we speak and email multiple times a day and see each other every two weeks. It has become very serious and we have become best friends and almost primary lovers (we both still have intimate relations with our spouses).
I "see" clearly in my head that this scenario is unhealthy and wrong. He is currently away with his family for three weeks on travel and I will be on travel with my family for one week in the near future. It does not seem to me that either of us are ending our marriages with these plans and the affair thing just is not working for me emotionally anymore.
I ended it via cell phone and email. It has been two full days since I have contacted him. I know absolutely, definitely that I want to end it. His history and my past are not a good mix and we both have great spouses. I have put my cell phone "out of my reach" and am doing everything I can to keep him out of my head. I am doing my best not to self medicate through wine because I would probably drink the whole bottle! Does anyone have a story to share with me to give me strength????? What could you say to help me not communicate with him? Many people here have been successful at ending things and moving forward - what did you all do during those first few days and weeks?
Thanks.

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If you have been reading the archives, you will see a common thread that the first few days/weeks are very painful and full of anxiety. There is no magic formula to concoct or no amount of alcohol to imbibe that will make it any easier. You just do it. You make the decision and you stick with it. I wish I could tell you that it's a piece of cake, and that tomorrrow you will be fine and dandy, but I'd be
Thank you again.