I am hurting and need peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
I am hurting and need peace.
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 5:39pm

I am tired of grieving and never stopping.  It is just so draining physically, emotionally and in terms of time too.

Suggestions and encouragement is appreaciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 12:19am

Oh Kittery, do I know this feeling well.  I was in my A for over seven years and when I came out of it I thought I would DIE of grief. Literally.  The first three months were pure detox hell.  I cried every day, almost all day.   I lost weight, just wanted to sleep and drink all day.  I was a MESS.And then slowly, it started to get better. But it took constant work to keep my mind from thinking about him. I am now out of the A for over three and half years, and it wasnt until this past year that I reached true indifference.  But that intense longing and grief has been gone for a long time. 

Stay No Contact

 Throw Away ALL reminders. ALL.

Embrace the concept of forever.  (This is sooo hard)  Accept that you will NEVER be connected to this man again.  What you had is not only gone, but it never existed as you thought it did. 

You will be ok.  Stay here and you will heal and grow.  I am living proof :)

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 5:13am

Dear Kittery

I'm really sorry to hear that you are still really struggling. There is unfortunatly no magic potion, or miracle cure for this kind of pain. Though, EAS offers something really special - its a place to break the silence. Ending an A is especially hard because there is rarely someone we know that we can confide in. We are here for you if you want to delve into what you are feeling, but I really do recommend finding ways to make some changes in your life. If you are not making changes to get better, you will just dwell in the hell you are in now. It wont get better unless you are prepared to pull yourself up and put one foot infront of the other.

Even the best of us, who work hard to get over our A, fall down a deep hole sometimes. Every time we fall down we learn how to pick ourselfs up and carry on. Each time it gets easier to crawl out of the hole we are in. In the start, those holes are so deep and dark -  and sometimes we even feel a little secure in that deep dark hole, because fighting our way out just seems impossible. Kittery - you can get yourself out of this first deep hole with opening up and also listening to what others have been sharing with you. We have all been there and it can't be done if your not going to looking within and find the last bit of strength to move on with your own precious life.

I hope you wont be looking back on your life one day, and seeing the wasted time dwelling on someone who didnt move mountains to be with you. Someone who lied and cheated and made you believe that some fantasy would one day come true. Stop wasting your life away, its far to precious to throw away for one person....

Hugs to you..... get back to us on how you are feeling today.


Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 8:06pm


I'd swear the grieving process for us has to be more difficult and is definitely prolonged when the someone we are grieving over still walks the Planet vs being dead...sometimes we are grieving the end of hopes and dreams...sometimes we are grieving the loss of ourselves...and the closing of a chapter in our lives...or all of the above...it's a lot to grieve out, and it IS exhausting.  We are going to have days where we think 'will this ever end' and days when we feel like 'okay, I'm getting through this.'  And it's different for all of us.

And then we have to suppress it for whatever reason, we are working, or are with people who wouldn't understand, it's our secret...it's just not a convenient time for that wave of grief...whatever.  It's exhausting...all of it, and can leave us with a headache.  We understand.

It will get better...really it will, and sometimes it's a subtle getting better...and one day, we got ourselves a stretch of 'doing better days' in a row. 

Maybe it's a good idea to allot yourself some time to grieve...say 15-30 minutes...go with whatever you are feeling...let it all hang out.  Then go splash some water on your face, put on your prettiest smile and meet your day.  You're giving yourself what you need, but it doesn't have to take up your whole day.

And praying doesn't hurt either.  Get on your knees and ask your Higher Power to take away your anxiety and fill your heart with peace.  I had to do *that* a lot, but I always felt better.

another ((hug)) for good measure


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board