I am not in a good place

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I am not in a good place
2
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 6:52pm
I need to ramble a bit..to keep my head on straight. Damn him for four years he has kept me on a yo-yo and I kept letting him. Why can't I just let it be done for good and move on? Even now I wonder "When will he start it up again?" and "Will I ever see him again?"
That's bad. That is NOT a good way to break this horrible spell/addiction...and I need to break it. I'm like a heroin addict who knows whats bad but keeps it going anyway..Four years of starting and stopping this because he felt guilty or his "plate was too full and he had no time or energy for anything else"...and why do I let him walk back in my life every time??? I have to stop and say no and instead I find that my wording in email to him is careful. I don't send the angry words because I fear it will mean I have to agree with myself about ending it for good 100%.. and I am ashamed that I think that way.
There have been times I have felt so sure I was done with him, but there was always this 1 or 2 % of me that didn't let go completely. Like some thread holding on just enough to not finalize it forever. How do I get there? To being done forever?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 7:39pm

I know just how you feel. Even though I knew it needed to end I was reluctant to make the decision that would make it final. I guess there was always some part of me that didn't want it to be over. The A was taking my time and attention from things in my life that I should have been dealing with. I knew it, but somehow I kept finding excuses to talk, or email, or see him. I really had no pride and kept thinking that I wasn't playing games with him. I thought that we were more then that or we were so close. I didn't want to face that it was so much easier to think about him then the things I should be doing, and of course the sex was the best ever.

I guess what makes it different this time is me. I have finally decided to not be stuck here anymore. I just decided that this is it. It is time for me to grow up and be an adult, take off the rose colored glasses and see the situation for what it really is. It is a determination I didn't have before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 7:57pm

Hi there, If you want to be done with this affair, you make your mind up to do so. NO it's not easy, but let me tell you that I have learned that I gained NOTHING from having an affair. Again I say nothing. XMM did not choose me as an important part of his life, but boy to hear him tell it, he can't live without me. He chose to continue his life as normal, everyday living. He wanted his cake and eat it too. We'll honey...I'm too damn good a person to be some one's piece of cake and you are too. It took me a long time to realize that he was dishing out alot of BS for one purpose only...SEX. You deserve better and when you feel like you have finally had enough, you will accept what happened and allow yourself to move on. And when you do, this board and everyone here will be here for you, to help you through.

You can count on that!!!

TCOM