I am not sure if I belong here - newbie
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| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:59am |
I am in the throes of trying to finish my affair. It began the day after I left my H in 1994 - yes, 11 years ago and is still going. When I left my DH, I moved into MM & his wifes guest house as I had no where to go. He was my saviour. Also, he is extremely financially successful so I was very impressed by him and his money.
I moved 1000 miles away in 1996 yet still we would get together every 6 or 12 months, and talk quite often on the phone. I have stayed single all these years and he broke up with his wife and then married again, all while having an affair with me.
He came to my town to visit last week, I hadn't seen him in about a year. Each visit over the last 5 years or so I have been less impressed with his money and social standing and more interested in him - just him - as a person without all the external stuff that everyone gets to see. I think this is aggravating him as he likes to be in control and have me look up to him.
The problem is I have only ever loved one man and it is him. I didn't even feel the same about my husband. It has hurt everytime MM has gone home, but I have known that I was just a good time and managed to deal with that. This last visit though he told me he loved me, it blew me away. I feel he changed the status quo and it has left me so confused!
He has a wife and supposedly loves her, yet he loves me too? I have 2 kids, need to move on with my life but I am so scared of letting him go. However I don't think I will ever fully move on with my life while I am involved with him. Even if it is only once a year we see eachother.
He is one of my best friends in the whole world, and I don't know how I will cope without him. I love him so much I don't think I would have the strength to be his friend alone. Yet I know that being with him is not healthy for me anymore. He is almost like a nicotine addiction. I know I need to give him up, but I'm just not sure I really want to.
Please any comments, experiences etc would be greatly appreciated.
Liz in oz (Aust)

Liz
You are in the right place so welcome to the board. Max is not here to officially greet you so I will do it in his stead.
Yours is not the longest affair we have seen here there is a lady that was in one for 17 years and others for 11 and 12 years so your not alone.
I am going to rain on some of your ideas and XMM motives, his I love you...Control and power , he could see that you were changing and possibly slipping away...so he said the one thing that will knock most womens resolve off the rails.
You have made it clear that your nothing more then a EGO BOOST AND A BOOTY CALL to him, these are not the elements of a true friend...a best friend. Nothing has changed it is just a different tactic to regain POWER AND CONTROL...a very typical one.
Look the man over carefully...he is the sort to cheat on his first wife then to cheat on the second one while he is courting her and vowing to be hers alone....his best friend is himself and no one else.
This RELATIONSHIP was never healthy for you and never could be because he is not healthy, count on him fighting you tooth and nail to remain in your life...but understand he is doing it for him and him alone some men/women cannot accept NO.
I am sure you will recieve much soft and fuzzy support by the fine ladies and gents of the board so don't let my up front style scare you off.
Liz,
OH! You have endured so much pain. I can not even imagine how you coped while he left his first wife only to marry someone else! Staying on after that is him relegating you to a life of second place (and you allowing it).
There are lovely folks on this board that will give you excellent advice - although I do believe it will be hard for you to hear. And harder yet to implement. 11 years is a long time esp through 2 wives.
Mine was 9 years and although I'm M, not that much about our A relationships are different. I only see my MM a couple times per year and he has never said we have a future - which leaves you and me in a very unhealthy situation and coming back for more. We know it's unhealthy - even for an A - but "seem" to be unable to stop it.
It's going to be a long road that I'm guessing (for both you *and* me) will take deep soul-searching as to "why" we are subjecting ourselves to this abuse.
For what it's worth - I am making progress through this board. If you read and read you will see the futility in what we're doing. And that you ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS.
"I know I need to give him up, but I'm just not sure I really want to." You need to answer this question. The board leader wrote here recently about facing the "fear" associated with going on without them. That was helpful for me to read.
And "no" just because he said he loves you this time does not mean it's truly changed the status quo. His actions are what counts - women are especially affected by words but real life is happening at the action level.
Welcome to the board - I'm sure you will get great advice. The mindset will take a long time to change but realize it is an addiction.
WIP
Youre style does not scare me at all. I spoke to my brother who works in Hong Kong and he said much the same thing. I thank you for your honesty. I have been with this man (well not really with him) most of my adult life. I was 22 when this affiar started and I am now 34. Time to regain my power - but its still not going to be easy. I'm pipping one of the hardest things to do in my life thus far!
Hope to speak to you again soon
Liz
PS. Thanks for welcoming me - I'm sure you'll all be a source of strength for me over the coming months :)
Thanks for your words. I took WIP to be "work in progress" lol. If that is so I should rename to be WJB (just beginning). I hope that we can support eachother in this horrible task that lies ahead of us. I'm sure neither MM will make it easy. The thing I don't understand is why this particular time (after he's gone home) do I feel soooo lonely? Perhaps it is because I know what I have to do and knowing that we are not going to be together ever again.
Thanks again - Liz
Hi Liz, actually I like "work in progress" better than the user ID I have LOL.
Again, the folks on this board have seen the cycles of the A's (and ending them) much longer than I have, however my hunch is that the sadness you are feeling esp this time around - is a sign you are starting the first stages of grief over the end (that you know must come).
I have never, in the 9 years, felt the sadness I feel now. xMM has been less attentive the last 6 months which kicked it all off. But even now.... xMM is trying to reach out to me and I'm just as sad as ever. No amount of reaching out to me can fix this. It's because I know the end is inevitable. I'm working on accepting "walking away - for good."
I'm purposely letting myself wallow in it and letting it feel as bad as it can feel - so that I am so sick of the pain that I will actually see what has been pounding on me for so long (it's working too).
Someone on the board wrote this to me about why I'm feeling the pain (thanks Id). It explained a lot to me and made me see why I'm feeling so sad.
WIP
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Sadness is all part of the healing process. Yes, it is difficult when you are around family and cannot show your emotions, but finding alone time is necessary in order to grieve. (In the shower...taking a walk...) You are ending something that has been part of your soul but try to understand that it has also darkened the doorway for the rest of your well-being. Our hearts have a way of twisting things so they become unrecognizable to the mind. We innately KNOW that an affair is wrong, and yet our heart masks the truth because "It just felt so good" .......temporarily....
Because although the timeline is different for everyone, eventually the mind picks up on false justifications and inconsistancies that the heart refuses to accept. When the mind and heart fall out of sinct, this is when the pain manifests...slowly at first...until a full blown mental migrane takes hold. We are then forced to make painful decisions which seem impossible to formulate. Yes, your heart failed you, but your mind is trying to recitify this error.
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Welcome- So far everyone has given good advice and thoughts. So I won't drone on myself lol. But I wanted to say that what struck me most about your post-was that he had remarried a second person. And if you were so special to him, why would he then find a whole new person to marry?? It is upsetting to me to think he did that to you..and yet I know you see him as someone who's been part of your life so much..but the bottom line is that he isn't there for you other than when it suits him. Do your best to find a way to end it..and seek out people who you can enjoy and spend time with more regularly.
You deserve much more than he has given.
hi liz,
welcome to the board
all i can say is he is not your best friends, best friends dont do this to each other, if he is your best friend, he would stop doing this to u and let u move on and be happy
he is having his cake and eat it also, just and ego boast for him, le me ask u , why did he remarry someone else and not u ??
anyways, welcome !!!!
i hope u find peace, no contact is the way to go for almost all of us in the affair, in time u will have feelings of indifference towards him
keep posting here
max