I am OK!
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| Sun, 03-20-2005 - 11:11am |
Geeez, it's taken some time to get to where I am at today. He's slowly leaving my thoughts. In my reflection of this whole situation, I have to say that he wasn't on my mind very much since the beginning of March. But when I noticed..hey I didn't think of him this hour, this minute, this day...I felt nervous for not thinking of him and then that's when I would bring him back to the forefront again. I am able to control my thoughts, my emotions but wasn't trying hard. It was a choice I was making to continue to try and hold unto him.
I think he didn't want to let go either. We both were providing something unhealthy for each other and we both had feast on whatever it was. Being with him on Thursday before he left made me realize this. He said it wasn't easy for him either but I wanted to see him or hear him say the exact things I was. He stopped responding to my emails before I left on vacation the beginning of March, but would still call. I was angry because he made it look so easy and I felt stuck. There was no dramatic good-bye but I know when we left each other...that's what it was.
In a weird kinda way, I respect him more. He seen how hard this had become for me. He knew I lost all focus and could have lost everything. In a since, he let go for me because he did care. He held tight to his main focus...HIS WIFE, HIS Family. I let my focus for mine slip somewhere along the way. He provided me distance so I could regroup. Today, I am thankful he did.
I was waiting for something to click inside of me...so I would, "Get it!" I think I got it now more so than ever before. I am OK. He is OK. Our lives will be OK. I am firm in my belief that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I know he happened to me and I to him for a reason. For those of you who still feel stuck in the process of letting go, it will get easier. You'll eventually just, "Get it!" It will happen but be patient with yourself.
Hurtpups words really stuck with me...
<<>> I am at the point now...where I can think of our times together and smile. Not cry or question why did he, why didn't he, why did I, why didn't I. And if I do, I answer my own questions and the answer is..."because it was meant to be that way. Everything happened for a reason. Everything cannot be explained...it just is."
Thanks for listening.
SS

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This is where I am at and I kept wondering how long I am going to be stuck here? I now realize that I will be stuck here as long as I chose to be. Thanks for pointing out that we do have control of our thoughts.
I agree that everything happens for a reason and I know that I have grown so much because of this experience, but I also know that this was an escape for me. Sometimes I still want to blame him for everything and think all kinds of bad things about who said what, and he hurt me by this, but then I have to stop and take responsibility for even being involved. This isn't something that happened to me, it is something that I helped to create.
Maybe what happens next matters more then what happened.....
Istmekc-
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That's why I stayed "stuck" for so long. I kept questioning events that took place throughout the A. I wasn't an angel. I did and said some very hurtful things to him. I attacked his personal character multiple times. He never once did that to me. Not one time!!!!!! So taking personal responsibility is a major accomplishment. I am not perfect. He is not perfect. We both were involved in self-detructive, self-defeating behavior. We both created and maintained this unhealthy relationship for our own self serving needs. I can't hate him because I ultimately allowed myself to be in this situation. He held no gun to my head. I was a willing participant. I am no longer. It feels good too.
You'll grow as well. Take care!
SS
we are all responsible for all the crap we are feeling, cant blame the other person, other person has thier own issues also, there is no point of thinking what other person is thinking
do they realy care? do they love us more than their current partner? are we meant to be with them ? unless we stop thinking about this, we will continue to hurt and be miserable, im not saying that we cannot think of it but we have to separate what is real and what is fantasy, until the other person commits to u 100%, there is nothing we can do but SIT, WAIT and WISH, and unless this is ok with u then we cannot be realy happy
my 2 cents, i know i have done the sitting , waiting and wishing and it almost destroyed me as a person, i lost all hope , but now i know that there is hope, for me, its all me right now, i know it sounds selfish but i dont care, im going to make myself feel better, im still figuring it out how to do it but maybe like buying new clothes, going on a nice vacation with friends, maybe even buy a new car, i realy like that Boxster S
do what u need to do to stop the cycle, its an addiction i think, at least for me, its how i think of why i was so attached to OW and why i was so sad and depress when OW ended it, im an addict to OW, im an addict
max
hope u ladies are doing well today
Sunshine, from post it seems to me that you're way past just "OK". You're able to look at your affair experience with a sense of detachment, putting and writing about it in the past tense.
To that I say "Congratulations!"
The affair no longer has the emotional stranglehold it had upon you.....
As the weeks continue to go by you may or may not notice thinking every now and then wht you've learned from the experience.
Do you remember the song "Memories" as sung by Barbra Streisand?A short portion of the song popped into my head as I read your post:
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Hey Max, while you're at it, can you get me a New Beetle TDI in Red? I need something with better gas mileage
fallon,
what kind of car club do u belong, i have an old SeriesIIa 88 Land Rover, 1969
i love the smell of diesel in the morning
max
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what kind of car club do u belong, i have an old SeriesIIa 88 Land Rover, 1969
i love the smell of diesel in the morning
max>>
We have gone so far off-topic Max! Anyhoo, I have a 2001 New Beetle. I commute 45 miles to work each way each day, so I'm wanting a TDI. I just can't afford to do anything right now :(
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I wish I could take credit for that, but it was nutmegg that first said it. But I had gone on to say that I had been told that very thing from someone else after I lost a 20 year friendship with my best friend. Not everyone that comes into your life was meant to stay there. When I started looking at it that way, it was easier to put the lost friendship behind me.
People come and go in our lives all the time. It's learning from what they brought into the relationship, taking what we need at the time, hopefully giving them something to leave with as well. It's what life experiences and memories are all about. I don't think any of us can leave this experience without some serious life lessons learned. that has to account for something.